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to be peed off with DHs family over my DCs birthdays

(24 Posts)
Samnella Sat 06-Apr-13 07:09:54

DH has elderly parents a sister and neice who live 200 miles away where he is from.

DS was 6 this week. He got not so much as card from any of them. Same for my birthday a fortnight ago which is fine but I get a tad tiger mum about them ignoring my children. They sent DD a card a week late after seeing my message on FB about her birthday. It's the same every year.

Yet we always send our neice a card and present. On time.

And the rest of them for that matter although I only send cards to adults after they all ignored DHs 40th.

They never visit unless DH pays their train fayre (no car).

I don't expect a present to be sent as it can be expensive to post. But a card is not difficult.

I don't blame the parents as they are old and forget the dates. my SILis bizarre

Samnella Sat 06-Apr-13 07:13:51

Posted before finished

SIL has posted happy birthday message 3 days late after seeing my message on Fb. I am very tempted to add a messae asking after the postal service in their area. Grrrr.

HollyBerryBush Sat 06-Apr-13 07:15:16

Some people do birthdays, some people don't. I don't. I don't even do Christmas cards. But I phone.

Has your DH tried phoning them a week before the event with a gentle reminder if they are that forgetful?

CasperGutman Sat 06-Apr-13 07:18:43

Sounds like they're just disorganised and forgetful. I'd forget my own birthday if left to my own devices! You or DH should find a way of reminding them a week it two ahead of the event next time.

ilovecolinfirth Sat 06-Apr-13 07:23:14

I agree with hollyberrybush...some people just don't do birthdays. My brother and sil are useless, but I'd rather have good relationship with them rather than bitterness that could develop because birthdays are forgotten. X

Samnella Sat 06-Apr-13 07:30:10

We forgot DN birthday once and SIL was very quick to remind us! It's also her lack of interest. Never calls or texts to ask after them. Only visits if DH pay her train Fayre. I feel so sad for DH as I know it upsets him.

HollyBerryBush Sat 06-Apr-13 07:35:57

You seem to be more upset that DH pays their train fare - are they short of money? Is affordability the driving factor? Do they perceive you as 'rich'?

toffeelolly Sat 06-Apr-13 08:05:22

YANBU it not very good when grandparent"s cannot even remember their grandchild"s birthday and as for the aunt, not right.

cupcakemumma Sat 06-Apr-13 08:06:27

YANBU, I'd also take offence.
As this has understandably upset you, maybe you or your DH should let your SIL know so she doesn't repeat the same next year, or at the very least to agree on what you'll be doing for birthdays for your DD and Niece going forwards so no one is upset, especially the children. At 6 years old I don't think that your SIL sending a Facebook message is appropriate, as she wouldn't be able to see it anyway! For a young child it is nice to receive a card in the post. It isn't all about gifts like you say. It is about the thought.

The behaviour on your SIL's part is a little odd as she obviously celebrates birthdays as she pulled you up on the fact that you once forgot your nieces birthday but hasn't been on time for your DDs. Unless she's being lax about it as you missed your Nieces one time? Petty but possible...

Unfortunately the reality is not everyone does what we hope of them when it comes to families sad in any event you don't want things to sour but your SIL and your Husband need to discuss the train fare stuff as unless they are absolutely skint, it sounds like they're taking the mick/not being grateful by showing a lack of interest.

Hope it all works out ok.

Montybojangles Sat 06-Apr-13 08:24:07

Lol, lucky your not related to me, I'm completely crap at remembering birthdays. It's a rare thing if you get a card on the right day from me. I do try harder with children in the family, but some of us are just chronically useless at this sort of stuff.

I even have them set as reminders on my phone to go off a few days before, but as I'm usually busy with a million other things the card may not get written, or may get written but then not posted. My family just see it as a long running family joke.

I'm lucky enough to have the funds to have a car and so can visit and treat people to pressies/meal out when I have time off. My family love me, just as i love them, and this is just how it has evolved.

youmaycallmeSSP Sat 06-Apr-13 08:29:33

YANBU. I sort out cards for SIL and BIL's DC even though they are spectacularly rude to me. There's no excuse really.

LindyHemming Sat 06-Apr-13 09:08:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cozietoesie Sat 06-Apr-13 09:12:45


I have to remind my DB about his wife's birthday! Some people are just bad with cards.

We semi-solved the situation by drawing up a master list of everyone's birthdays and circulating it among the family.


Samnella Sat 06-Apr-13 10:27:53

blush I meant fare!!]

Euphemia - It used to be me but I stopped (except for DN which I don't mind) due to their behaviour. However, DH now sends his sister a present and card off his own back. Which obviously I make remarks such as "that's nice. I wonder what she will send you on your birthday" wink.

We are seen as rich (although we are not) and they are flat broke. But as I said I am not expecting a present. A card or even just a call would be nice. angry. We do get taken advantage off money wise but that's for another thread.

flaminhoopsaloolah Sat 06-Apr-13 13:46:36

It's understandable that you are upset - you expect others to treat you as you have treated them. But that so rarely works. Are DC's overly aware or bothered? is it worth the possible fall out to say something? Would saying something actually change the status quo?

ProphetOfDoom Sat 06-Apr-13 13:57:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoniaGluck Sat 06-Apr-13 14:01:46

Sorry to the people who "don't do birthdays", but how hard is it to remember a couple of dates a year for small children's birthdays?

Fair enough if you don't do anything for adults ( although my mother wouldn't let me get away with doing nothing for her birthday ) but when it comes to children I do think you should put yourself out for grandchildren and nieces and nephews.

Birthdays are such a big deal when they are small. I honestly don't think that it's asking too much to ask grandparents/aunts/uncles to remember and, at the very least, send a card on time. hmm

ladymariner Sat 06-Apr-13 14:02:56

YANBU. My inlaws are like this. But then they are utter bastards.....

ladymariner Sat 06-Apr-13 14:03:33

Not because they don't send cards, I hasten to add, but because of too many other things to mention!!

Yama Sat 06-Apr-13 14:06:47

It wouldn't bother me. However, I know it bothers others so I always send a card to my family. Up to dh to send to his.

zipzap Sat 06-Apr-13 14:25:41

I'd send dn a late card next time and when sil rang to chase just say that you'd assumed that this is what she wanted as it's what she does for your dc...

Ok so it's probably a bit mean albeit it would have felt good to say it grinblush; maybe instead at some point between the dc & dn birthdays I'd say to her that you assume she wants to just do cards for all the dc birthday now they are getting older, so let's make it official and just do cards for adults too so that gets dh out of buying something for his dsis too.

fairylightsinthesnow Sat 06-Apr-13 15:01:57

its not difficult, you have a calendar on the wall with family brthdays on it. If you want to be REALLY organised and someone has a birthday near the start of a month, write "buy a card" on the last week of the previous month, OR have a stock of generic cards OR sit down at the start of the year, work out what you need, go and buy them, write them, stamp them and leave them in a place they won't be lost or forgotten and post as needed. I have done all of these methods in the past - cards are a big thing in my family and it does not go down well if you forget. OP, YANBU to be annoyed, but as its in-laws, get your DP to handle it.

Diamondsareagirls Sat 06-Apr-13 17:17:23

I'm with the other posters about sending cards - how much effort does it take to have a calendar on the wall and have a few cards in the draw? The "I don't do birthdays" thing doesn't wash with me. When it is for small children they don't care that you don't do birthdays they are excited by them so make an effort It is just lazy and rude to not send a card with such close family. Especially when the OP puts the effort in herself. Being an adult is about putting yourself in someone else's shoes and understanding what they value.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 06-Apr-13 18:00:04

"We forgot DN birthday once and SIL was very quick to remind us!"
Then respond in kind, FFS! <rolls eyes> SIL is taking the piss because you/DH let her. If she expects you to remember DN's birthday, then she's being a hypocrite to not remember her DN's birthday.


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