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To expect DP to tell his ex wife to push off?

(224 Posts)
Louiseteacher30 Fri 05-Apr-13 23:24:07

Will try and keep this brief

Basically DP and I have been together just over a year, when we met he had recently separated from his wife with whom he has a 4 year old daughter. At the beginning of our relationship things were difficult; his now ex wife would make life difficult for both of us and this directly effected the behaviour of their daughter who was extremely unsettled. Recently things have settled down and life has become much calmer with less of the angry phone calls (always over nothing) that we saw a year ago.

Whilst DP receives less phone calls, his ex wife has begun texting odd requests for favours, none of which are linked to their daughter. Some of the most recent ones have included:
- Career advice - both are doctors so I can sort of understand that one
- requests for support with fixing an email account/ setting up new software on a mobile phone
- A very odd request to bring back some duty free for her when we go on holiday

DP receives these texts at least 4 times a week, sometimes favours, sometimes mindless drivel.

He appears quite chilled about it all, he sometimes responds, sometimes ignores them.

AIBU to expect DP to tell the ex to push off and get a job/life/boyfriend?

PenelopePortrait Sat 06-Apr-13 21:03:51

mrsBombastic I meant YOU were more eloquent not me!

PenelopePortrait Sat 06-Apr-13 21:02:09

MrsBombastic exactly what I tried to say further up thread but far more eloquently put.

CheCazzo Sat 06-Apr-13 21:00:04

We are indeed all human. I'm quite sure we do all feel insecure at times. And then we grow up - or that's the theory anyway. I reached a certain age and vowed there and then never to waste another second giving in to insecurity. What will be will be and no amount of life-sucking insecurity will ever change that. In fact, it might just hasten on whatever it is you're dreading.

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 20:36:49

actually there is something wrong with insecurity when you let it damage your relationship and you try and damage relationships between other people due to your own issues. that's not ok.

PenelopePortrait Sat 06-Apr-13 20:17:27

Alwayscheerful top post. Agree with every word

MrsBombastic Sat 06-Apr-13 20:15:39

Oh.... and FYI ,

Some on here will say you're insecure and that's your problem.

I disagree, we are all human and there is absolutely nothing wrong in feeling insecure, we all feel like that at times.

Whilst we obviously need to do our best in terms of keeping the relationship civil where our exes are concerned, there should be a line there because of new relationships and to stop our children becoming confused.

Women/men who remain over friendly after splits... makes me suspicious TBH.

MrsBombastic Sat 06-Apr-13 20:09:56

TBH I think this is bothering you in terms of... you are worried she has changed her mind about not wanting him (i.e she wants him back) and you are worried that now she has worked out the shouting and awkwardness hasn't worked she is changing tactics and is being concillitaory in the hope of him remebering her good side?

You say he is chilled, sometimes responds, sometimes doesn't, this is a good sign, he is not running to answer his phone but he occassionally answers so as not to appear rude and cause tension.

The thing you need to remember is that he chose you and he is still with you. Talk to him, tell him you feel insecure about her constantly texting him. Put it into context, say how would you feel if an ex boyf was texting you constantly?

Yes they need contact regarding their child but unless there is a genuine problem she shouldn't be texting him for anything else.

They split up, she doesn't have the luxury of asking him for favours. I certainly don't get my ex husband to fix my problems. She is trying to cause probs though so don't rise to it and don't blame him, it will cause a rift between you and your OH and she will love that. Do NOT give her the satisfaction!

ballstoit Sat 06-Apr-13 20:09:51

Yabu. My ex and I mainly maintain a civil relationship. As my occasional threads in lone parents sometimes this is hard grin

However, we are also able to have conversations which are not directly related to our children. For example, ex h asks about how my family are, how works going etc. He moans about his previous ex, mother of his elder children as he knows I will sympathise. If his new gf asked him to stop doing this, I'd assume she was.very insecure.

I also think that children should come first, and be their parents top priority...particularly when they're only 4.

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 20:07:57


BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 20:03:21

And since I think the OP has ran away, very far and very fast, it'll probably never get any clearer smile

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 20:00:45

she says "that we saw a year ago"

still no clearer but just saying that she didn't say we received. smile

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 19:54:07

You may be right, I took from the OP saying that there were less of the angry phonecalls that WE were receiving a year ago that both she and her DP were getting phonecalls. If it was only the DP then, I agree, like the text messages, they're not her business.

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 19:47:20

"It's one thing for a new partner to interfere in an existing civil friendly relationship between parents and another for her not to want her DP to be overly friendly with his ex, who is mother of his child granted but was also previously unpleasant."

i could understand that if the ex had been calling OP andbeing angry but from the OP it doesn't seem like she was. it sounds like she was calling OP's DP so IMO if he's prepared to draw a line under past behaviour and is trying to move forward amicably then surely as an adult that's his decision to make and not really up to OP to get annoyed about?

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 19:38:41

Although again all speculation for all I know the ex could've been angry because the DP wasn't seeing their child, or wasn't pulling his weight. Just trying to give a different perspective.

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 19:36:13

Fair point, abusive may have been too strong a word but I think if I, as an innocent bystander, was receiving angry phonecalls from my DPs ex I might still be a bit sceptical of this new found civility. I, personally, would let it go but I think there is a bit more to this than most posters are making out. It's one thing for a new partner to interfere in an existing civil friendly relationship between parents and another for her not to want her DP to be overly friendly with his ex, who is mother of his child granted but was also previously unpleasant.

BarredfromhavingStella Sat 06-Apr-13 19:27:45

Losing you sound completely bonkers & yes very controlling.

Also Burtha she never mentioned abusive from the ex (did she??) just angry which is understandable after the breakdown of a marriage regardless of fault.

expatinscotland Sat 06-Apr-13 19:19:44

You sound very immature and insecure. Hopefully your partner will grow a pair and chuck you.

Oh, and YABU.

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 19:09:11

*harassing blush. Harnessing would move the relationships into a whole new realm of weird!

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 19:07:57

In fact thinking about it if somebody, including my DSSs mother, was harnessing me and a year later, with no apology, my DH was bringing her duty free from our holiday I would probably have an issue with that.

lockets Sat 06-Apr-13 19:03:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alwayscheerful Sat 06-Apr-13 19:02:20

A couple with a strong relationship would discuss phone calls and texts and replies and try to manage effective communication. Yes is is preferrable to be kind and supportive to the child's Mother and hopefully in time the Mother will become less demanding and eventually turn to her own partner in times of need, communication will eventually be about their children.

Showing your hand and your annoyance could possible make matters worse, yes texts can be sent at inappropriate times and they may show little consideration for your new life. it is not impossible that's texts are designed to annoy and irritate. It is important to discuss and manage the situation and show a united front, we don't know if the OP's DH is being manipulated or if the texts are genuine and harmless.

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 19:02:07

And I also think that, taking the OP at her word, if the ex wife was abusive then it can be hard to accept the transformation to civility especially if there hasn't been an apology for the previous abuse.

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 19:00:04

I think comparing the OPs situation with that of the Philpotts is a low blow and completely unnecessary.

pumpkinsweetie Sat 06-Apr-13 18:59:37

Sounds like they are keeping things civil like any divorced couple with children should do.
Unless you have trust issues, i don't see why you are bothered.

TheBigJessie Sat 06-Apr-13 18:55:53

BigJess I totally agree. Would children of divorce not cope better and the world not be a better place if instead of civility there was a genuine friendship and god forbid, affection for someone you've had a child with.

Personal anecdata says, "yes, definitely!"

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