To expect DP to tell his ex wife to push off?(224 Posts)
Will try and keep this brief
Basically DP and I have been together just over a year, when we met he had recently separated from his wife with whom he has a 4 year old daughter. At the beginning of our relationship things were difficult; his now ex wife would make life difficult for both of us and this directly effected the behaviour of their daughter who was extremely unsettled. Recently things have settled down and life has become much calmer with less of the angry phone calls (always over nothing) that we saw a year ago.
Whilst DP receives less phone calls, his ex wife has begun texting odd requests for favours, none of which are linked to their daughter. Some of the most recent ones have included:
- Career advice - both are doctors so I can sort of understand that one
- requests for support with fixing an email account/ setting up new software on a mobile phone
- A very odd request to bring back some duty free for her when we go on holiday
DP receives these texts at least 4 times a week, sometimes favours, sometimes mindless drivel.
He appears quite chilled about it all, he sometimes responds, sometimes ignores them.
AIBU to expect DP to tell the ex to push off and get a job/life/boyfriend?
YABU. I'm not in this situation, but I have been the child in that situation, and it helped a lot to have parents who had a civil relationship with each other. Also, I have no idea how long they were married, or what the circumstances of the split were, but when I've split amicably with someone we haven't just completely cut off communication.
Your DP doesn't seem bothered by it. He isn't even responding to all of her msgs. You need to relax. Or are you not feeling very confident in this relationship?
Yeah, take it gently. If they get on, its much easier for everyone in the long run.
Ask yourself-of-5years-time-from-now for a perspective. And the you of today should focus on enjoying calm and niceness.
Also quite a big probability that she is still his 'wife', not an 'ex' but that is besides the point. It said on the label what you were getting when you selected him either return him or try a new recipe.
4 texts a day, you have a problem. Up to four texts a week? I really don't see why you are worried, unless your fears are much more fundamental about the security of your relationship.
I think you should be focussing on that little 4 year old girls feelings of security rather than your own feelings of insecurity.
Stop seeing his ex as a threat as that must be very draining, and start being happy for their daughter that they can communicate so well.
So does he give career advice, IT support and DF goods?
If yes. You're toast.
If no. Chill.
"Recently things have settled down and life has become much calmer with less of the angry phone calls (always over nothing) that we saw a year ago."
Well it isn't really over nothing is it? He left his wife and little girl and hooked up with someone else. You'll have to hope if you have kids that he doesn't do the same to you.
There's a 4-yr-old involved, you all have to get on. Best to get used to that sooner rather than later. She is not conveniently going to disappear off the face of the earth.
As for career advice, medical careers are very hard to navigate, entirely reasonable to ask his opinion. I would ask anyone I got on with about IT problems. And there is nothing odd about duty free requests
She is a doctor asking for career advice, she clearly has both a life and a career. A boyfriend is not an essential if the other two things are in place. I am struggling to understand your attitude to this to be honest, it's not coming across as very pleasant.
YABU. His Ex, his texts, his time. Nothing to do with you.
It sounds to me like she's trying to build a friendly relationship to benefit her daughter. If they can chat and be mates, and your DP is happy with her texting (which presumably he is if he's texting back sometimes) then I don't see the issue?
Take yourself out of the equation, and just view it as 2 separate people with a young child. Do you think a child will be happiest with parents who exchange a few formal words a week, full of resentment, or parents who can text each other, ask for support and help when needed, and be civil?
As for the "getting her own life". It sounds like she has her own life, but life is harder with a child. When he signed up to have a child, he signed up to support the childs mum to an extent too. A child with an isolated, unsupported mum is not going to do well.
Why don't you invite her for a coffee/over to have a chat? Maybe she's a bit lonely.
Your DP's daughter would benefit from seeing everyone getting on too, and it might help your jealousy to get to know her.
Presumably he replies or she wouldn't do it?
Heck I don't care. I just want to see what outrageous and outlandish statements are going to be made.
I've been here, but as my DSD has grown up, there have been times when we've all been in the same place for her (prom/ graduation etc).
The 'friendship' between DH and his ex did whittle down over time as DSD grew up, but they are still civil, and a united front when they need to be. I suppose I just consider how I would want me and him to be if we weren't together. I would hope we would always be friends and take joint care for our children.
If she is bad mouthing you, that is different. But as long as she is respectful of you, and you of her, I don't really see the problem. I actually think it is great and shows they are mature loving parents.
Yabu but I can understand why you feel a bit jealous and insecure .
I can understand why the ex was obnoxious at first- if you split with your dh and then he got with someone else very quickly you would wonder if had going on before you split.
Your dp and his ex are tied together for life they will have parents evenings, school plays, birthdays, graduations etc in the future so it's the best thing for their dd that they are amicable.
You are being massively unreasonable!
Why on earth would you complain that she is now being civil and friendly and that things have generally improved? You sound very jealous and insecure.
You seem to want to wipe her from your lives and his memory. Never gonna happen! They have a child, there will always be contact and a bond. Tying yourself in knots over it will just make you miserable. And quite possibly single.
YABU. I have been in your shoes and I never interfered in communications between my then partner and his ex. They were married, they have a child together, they are going to be talking several times a week for the next 15 years I expect
I suspect you throwing your toys out the pram about this is the quickest way for you to become toast.
Accept she will always have a connection to his life.
If you can't, then move on.
This is what my ex has done. Put yourself in her shoes, with a young child, then see how you respond?
Unless he has an issue, then you should butt out.
I might be way off the mark op but do you feel like you have lost a bit of closeness to your dp.
In the beginning it sounds like it was the two of you against the unreasonable ex- in a it's us against the world sort of situation and now she's trying to be amicable and work with dp you don't have that.
Well different people have different ideas of when actual relationships end. It sounds very much like she didnt actually know it was really over when he got together with you so for her (and probably) DD you are the OW, and the reason her DH/DF left.
You are the one that needs to get a grip. Why is it always the OW who gets to decide when its time for the DW left with the children time to get over it and move on
Would love to read her mother's side to this story.
The clue might be in the 'recently separated' part of your OP - so far as she was concerned they were probably not over when you started a relationship with her DH. She sees you as having got in the way of them trying to sort out their problems.
This is none of your business, keep your nose out.
Why does this bother you so much?
Your patner and his ex will forever have a relationship as they have a child together.
If you can't cope with that, then it might be better all round if you find someone without a child.
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