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To expect DP to tell his ex wife to push off?

(224 Posts)
Louiseteacher30 Fri 05-Apr-13 23:24:07

Will try and keep this brief

Basically DP and I have been together just over a year, when we met he had recently separated from his wife with whom he has a 4 year old daughter. At the beginning of our relationship things were difficult; his now ex wife would make life difficult for both of us and this directly effected the behaviour of their daughter who was extremely unsettled. Recently things have settled down and life has become much calmer with less of the angry phone calls (always over nothing) that we saw a year ago.

Whilst DP receives less phone calls, his ex wife has begun texting odd requests for favours, none of which are linked to their daughter. Some of the most recent ones have included:
- Career advice - both are doctors so I can sort of understand that one
- requests for support with fixing an email account/ setting up new software on a mobile phone
- A very odd request to bring back some duty free for her when we go on holiday

DP receives these texts at least 4 times a week, sometimes favours, sometimes mindless drivel.

He appears quite chilled about it all, he sometimes responds, sometimes ignores them.

AIBU to expect DP to tell the ex to push off and get a job/life/boyfriend?

babybarrister Fri 05-Apr-13 23:25:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummymeister Fri 05-Apr-13 23:27:15

its still only a short time since they split up and some people have issues with being able to move on. your DP's ex is clearly one of these people. i personally think you are being a bit unreasonable. had it been 3 yrs then would say DP needs to be firmer. perhaps he needs to stop reading the texts and making any sort of response as of now but if he wants to help out then not sure what you can do to stop him.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 05-Apr-13 23:29:25

Maybe the four year old is unsettled because her DM and DF split up and he quickly started a new relationship and this is all very recent.

RatPants Fri 05-Apr-13 23:30:04

She's probably still hurting over the break up, possibly trying to win him back an he sounds as though he is dealing with it sensitively. I think the best thing for you to do would be to ignore it, perhaps ask gently about it if you feel the need but ask out of concern, not jealousy, she is an ex, not a threat and you need to show him that you don't perceive her to be as such. Otherwise you come across as aggressive, possessive and a lot of other quite unattractive things. She is possibly chancing her arm. Where he is concerned, show pity towards her, not anger. Play it clever.

AgentZigzag Fri 05-Apr-13 23:30:33

I don't have any experience in things like this, but if it's not bothering your DP (and he seems in control of it if he sometimes answers/sometimes doesn't) and not directly affecting your life as such, why would you want to?

Could this just be a phase of the general 'tailing off' and her getting to grips with what's gone on?

Or are you more worried that she's trying to control him by being a constant presence in your lives (and is leaning on him too much), which you can't get away from really if they've got a 4 YO together.

Like I say, I'm coming at this with no experience, but maybe the things she was getting miffed about at the start genuinely were worrying her and it was legitimate contact?

WorraLiberty Fri 05-Apr-13 23:31:03

I think it's quite nice that they can now have a 'matey' relationship.

Perhaps it's taken her this long to finally accept that he moved on quite quickly.

I wouldn't feel threatened by it if I were you, just try to think of it as being good for their DD.

AgentZigzag Fri 05-Apr-13 23:31:52

'I sense this is going to end badly'

Have I unknowingly stumbled into something?

MsVestibule Fri 05-Apr-13 23:32:44

Why is it a very odd request to bring back some duty free confused. WRT the email account etc, presumably he did that sort of thing while they were together and she's finding it hard to work it out herself or find somebody else to assist.

Whilst they're not exactly friends, they seem to have worked out some sort of truce, which is surely a good thing. I do agree that exes (mine and my partners) should just conveniently just drop off the face of the earth, it just doesn't work that way when children are involved.

lockets Fri 05-Apr-13 23:32:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheChaoGoesMu Fri 05-Apr-13 23:33:29

I don't think its so bad. Is there more that you're not saying op?

BruthasTortoise Fri 05-Apr-13 23:34:03

Seperate yourself from your DPs text messages from his ex. His ex, his problem. As long as it is not impinging on your life together then you shouldn't even need to know about them. Do you tell your DP about every text you receive?

MsVestibule Fri 05-Apr-13 23:36:39

his now ex wife would make life difficult for both of us and this directly effected the behaviour of their daughter who was extremely unsettled.

How on earth could you possibly know this is what caused her to become unsettled hmm. Were you the family psychologist? I feel very sorry for a young child whose father leaves the family home and starts a new relationship so quickly. Would love to read her mother's side to this story.

LilQueenie Fri 05-Apr-13 23:38:50

Sorry OP I think you miss the point that she already has a life. She is a mother to the child she shares with you partner. How do you feel about him having a child? Did you expect him not to have contact with her?

Spero Fri 05-Apr-13 23:38:51

They have a daughter together. Where exactly is she supposed to 'push off' to?

If you are feeling insecure you need to talk to your partner about it.

Machli Fri 05-Apr-13 23:39:25

Yes, maybe she's just trying to be friends! Gosh what a TWAT! angry. Maybe being friends is better for her dd but he certainly should put a full grown woman (yourself obviously) before that. For sure!

<<rolls eyes>>

CloudsAndTrees Fri 05-Apr-13 23:41:40


Why on earth shouldn't he be civil and even friendly with the woman he created a child with just because you don't like it? hmm

Pathetic attitude you have going on there.

Spero Fri 05-Apr-13 23:45:01

She will be a part of his life for a long time as their child is only 4. You will need to learn to dal with this without bitterness or it is going to damage your relationship.

BruthasTortoise Fri 05-Apr-13 23:46:09

In all fairness it can be difficult if your DP is friends with his/her most recent ex especially if the ex isn't in a new relationship and the friendship is mainly coming from the direction of the ex. However when children are involved, difficulties have to be overcome gracefully and peacefully for their sake.

Buzzardbird Fri 05-Apr-13 23:49:03

It might be difficult for ex to "get a job" as she has been left with a pre-school child who probably needs her a lot after the trauma of her family being broken up?
wonder how you would feel if you were her?

Booyhoo Fri 05-Apr-13 23:49:31

why is it a problem that she asks him for favours? if its something he wants to do then he does, if not then he doesn't.

i dont like my ex but we have to have a relationship for our dcs sake and mostly it is amicable. he has made it clear quite a few times (when i've mentioned trouble with stuff in the house) that he will happily take a look at whatever it is. he has offered to service my car (he is qualified) and he has called me to ask me to pick something up for him as it was in my town and he wouldn't make it before closing time. i have no problem with doing him a favour the same way i would do it for my dad or my friend. and my Ex is engaged so there is the possibility of her being annoyed but as it happens she is lovely and sensible and realises that from now til the end of time i will be in her partner's life and that it will be a shitload easier for all of use if we can all just get over ourselves and be normal adults.

it is soooo much easier being on friendly terms with people than just deciding to make it awkward because you think that's how exes should be with each other. it really is. it really drains you having constant negative feelings about someone. why dont you just decide to accept that this is how their relationship is (because they do and always will have a relationship of some sort) and that you're fine with it. you can choose how you feel about this. it doesn't have to be negative. also, you/he might need a favour from her at some point.

MissPricklePants Fri 05-Apr-13 23:50:34

I love how you say she needs to get a boyfriend, as adding another adult into the mix is really in the best interest of their dd. Ever crossed your mind she doesn't want one? Not all single parents get partners as quick as your DP has. Here is an idea, how about you back off? Deal with it, they are the parents and if they can maintain a civil relationship for their dd then awesome.

Spero Fri 05-Apr-13 23:50:38

Yes it is difficult. But you should have thought about this when you started a relationship with someone recently separated from the mother of a four year old. I bet she was angry and bitter.

But he chose you. You 'won'. So talk to him if this upsets you. Dnd a way forward that doesn't involve his ex wife 'pushing off' - as that will be pretty shit for his child. Or do you want her to 'push off' too?

bluebell8782 Fri 05-Apr-13 23:51:26

Hi Louise
You kinda are but also kinda aren't..not the best thing in the world having an ex in the background constantly, but, if you are going long term this is what you need to expect. Bit unusual texting like she is but at least it's not abusive and just shit. If your partner isn't bothered then you need to try not be..don't feel threatened..believe me..if you are in for the long haul you need to get used to sharing your life and don't sweat the small stuff.

Somethingtothinkabout Fri 05-Apr-13 23:51:51

Push off and get a job/life/boyfriend

Em, diem you not say she was a doctor? hmm

She has a life, sounds like you want her life...

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