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To feel that dp takes me for granted

(22 Posts)
annabanana84 Fri 05-Apr-13 20:03:13

dp live together, have done for a while. No kids. I work 15 mile away from our home and it takes 2 hours each way to/from work on public transport. Today I worked a corker of a shift, long and very busy. If dp picks me up from work in his car it takes 30 mins on motorway to get home as opposed to my usual 2 hours hellish two bus journey. I had headache and was shattered after work, so I text dp and asked him if he minded picking me up from work when he finished. He was at work which is about 20 mins drive from home and 30 mins from my work. Dp refused, said he was tired as he'd be on since 5am, and came on home.

Now, I am really mad because I think of how much I do for DP, and he cant frigging pick me up this once.

He'd been home 2.5 hours when I arrived home. All he'd done was make the bed. He hadn't washed the pots from last night, filled the pets water up (was almost empty) put the rubbish out, fuck all, but then he never, ever does. There's some wet washing in hallway ready to be put on clothes horse, but he's not fucking done it. I don't mind doing it all, but come on, a favour for me once in a while for cleaning his crap up, cooking him a meal, cleaning his clothes etc...he honestly does not lift a finger, and to top it all off, he'll leave empty cartons out, not put in the bin, worktops unclean when he's chopped something. Tonight he left an empty box of his tablets on the table when the bin is two feet away, and empty blisters of tablets too. What really pissed me off though is that we have pets that crawl the floor. Time and time again I've seen he's dropped a tablet and not picked it up. I've asked him to be very careful coz if the little fluffies overdose I'll be very upset.

catgirl1976 Fri 05-Apr-13 20:09:36

It sounds like you are both working really hard and both exhausted, but if he is normally not doing his share of housework then YANBU

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Fri 05-Apr-13 20:15:10

Erm, I do not understand why anyone, of either gender, would say I don't mind doing it all, but come on, a favour for me once in a while for cleaning his crap up, cooking him a meal, cleaning his clothes etc...he honestly does not lift a finger this is not ok, you should mind doing it all IMO, either it is teamwork or you're better off alone.

If someone wouldn't pick me up after a really tough day, I'd rethink my options.

Shutupanddrive Fri 05-Apr-13 20:15:50

YANBU, he sounds selfish

FarBetterNow Fri 05-Apr-13 21:06:59

YANBU.
He is mean and selfish and doesn't care.
He obviously loves himself far more than he loves you.

Has he always been idle at home?

You should not be doing it all.

If couldn't be bothered picking you up, he could have made an effort when he got home and even cooked you a meal, but I don't expect he is capable of cooking.

Have a rethink about what you want from life.

Don't be a doormat.

AgentZigzag Fri 05-Apr-13 21:09:15

He's not doing you a favour at all! It's his stuff too and he doesn't seem to think it's his 'job'.

The things you describe at the end of your OP sound like the things my 12 YO DD does, but for another adult to leave it to their DP is a bit different and not on.

He was up early it has to be said, but it's a bit shitty of him not to make a effort to lighten your load.

(What are the pets which crawl the floor but are fluffy? confused)

HappyDogRedDogToss Fri 05-Apr-13 22:10:20

I'd find a flat next door to where you work and invite DP over occasionally. I wouldn't carry on being his slave living with him.

soontobeburns Fri 05-Apr-13 22:18:48

Sounds like my son to be step dad. YANBU

Whoknowswhocares Fri 05-Apr-13 22:31:16

You call him 'dp' but the relationship you describe sounds the complete opposite of a partnership!
Yanbu to feel put upon and taken for granted. Yabu though, for allowing him to treat you like crap.

Iaintdunnuffink Fri 05-Apr-13 22:38:10

You really do need to start minding about doing it all.

Quite often, the more you do for people the less they notice that it needs to be done and that it does get done. Then the grumpier they get about being expected to do any of it, even occasionally. I notice this lots with my children.

Your partner probably doesn't see it as doing you a favour in return for all the things you do, he doesn't see any of that as anything to do with him. It all just happens. So collecting you is an extra burden on top of his hard day.

AgentZigzag Fri 05-Apr-13 22:51:13

'Quite often, the more you do for people the less they notice that it needs to be done and that it does get done. Then the grumpier they get about being expected to do any of it, even occasionally.'

Very true. And I would say the clincher for me (in a DP/H) is what they do about it when you call them on it.

Thankfully DH makes an effort and admits to being a cheeky bastard his overwork and tiredness expressing itself in doing less around the house and starts doing stuff. And that means a lot to me.

But if he tried to turn it round into me 'nagging' (a word I banned first time he tried to use it on me grin and never used since) and that I wasn't doing enough, sparks would fly.

I do most stuff around the house and don't mind in the slightest, but I do it because I want to, not because I'm expected to without gratitude (I don't mean grovelling gratitude, but just an occasional thank you, does me)

anonymosity Sat 06-Apr-13 00:41:51

YANBU and it doesn't sound like a good relationship at all. I don't understand why he didn't want to pick you up and spend the time with you, help you get home quicker / safe you feeling crappy. What's all that about?

Permanentlyexhausted Sat 06-Apr-13 00:55:33

Housework aside (because it is a separate issue) I'm going to go against the tide here. Why is it unreasonable for you to do a 2 hour bus journey home after a long day at work, but not unreasonable to expect your DP to drive for an hour or so to collect you after he's done a long shift?

RunningAgain Sat 06-Apr-13 01:03:22

If he cared about you at all, he would pick you up from work as a matter of course. Ten minutes extra driving for him, to give you an extra 2 hours at.home with him? He obviously doesn't give a shit about you sad

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 01:05:17

1) dont have children with him.

2) why are you with him? what do you get from thsi relationship? certainly not respect.

3) why do you continue to be his mother? he is capable- you dont need to do this stuff for him. would you do it if you lived with a friend?

RunningAgain Sat 06-Apr-13 01:06:15

I understood it as being an extra 10 mins driving on top of what the do usually does to get home.

AgentZigzag Sat 06-Apr-13 01:08:29

The warmth, comfort and conversation of a car is always going to win over a boneshaker bus and all its pissed up and mouthy many and varied passengers.

maddening Sat 06-Apr-13 03:24:11

2 working adults should share housewirk equally.

You need to learn to drive if you can - 4 hours conmute per day is not sustainable.

sonofzod Sat 06-Apr-13 05:59:20

so he started work at FIVE AM, takes him 20 mins to get there you say, and allow time for him actually getting up and showering/dressing so hes been up since what 4am ?

And after his 4am start to the day and he is tired and wants to go home HE is the selfish one?

Really?

If I was being called selfish getting up at that time because I was too tired to detour on my way home I would gladly assist you in becoming single..

not helping with the housework is another story but to say he is selfish for not picking you up on command is unreasonable.. Why don't you learn to drive yourself if you do not enjoy a 2hour ride home ?

YellowDinosaur Sat 06-Apr-13 06:10:34

Depends on how pissing you ask this imho. I wouldn't be keen on an hours joinery instead of 20 mins after bring up since 5 am (op said he is 20 mins from home or 30 mins from her work which is a30 min drive home)

I'd dp it as a one off but if you asked this often I Gould see he might just have had enough. Add someone else said you need to learn to drive yourself if this is getting to you.

The housework thing is another issue and YANBU

YellowDinosaur Sat 06-Apr-13 06:11:28

Pissing = often. Never mind the other typos! bastard dyac...

TheSloppelganger Sat 06-Apr-13 07:37:59

#1 how often do you ask him to pick you up from work? If it really isn't often at all then surely he should comprehend that if you ever ask him for this (relatively unusual?) favour then you presumably really, really want picking up and it would be decent of him to oblige.

#2 I wasn't 100% clear if you meant your DP would have an extra long drive to collect you, or if he would be going a mere 10 minutes or so out of his way - if the former I can understand his reluctance after an early start and a long day at work (but I would still do it for a loved one - especially if it wasn't a regular demand and they told me they were feeling under the weather) if it was just the 10 minute detour then he is a bit of a selfish bloody wanker to leave you sitting on a bus for ages when he could have easily whisked you off home. I do think that if you can learn to drive then you should though - 4 hours on a bus every working day is madness.

#3 Did you tell him you didn't feel very well when you asked to be picked up? If you did and he didn't care then shame on him. If you didn't mention it then why not?

#4 Do the two of you work similar hours? (Both full time? Roughly similar amounts of time spent on the job?) If so do you get similar amounts of leisure time? Or do you spend disproportionate amounts of time doing housework while he sits on his arse doing whatever tickles his fancy - while apparently unable to even locate a bin for his own rubbish? hmm If so then he is a lazy twat and frankly you're a wee bit of a mug for putting up with his chronic piss-taking laziness.

#5 Assuming you might want children at some point... Can you imagine adding the demands of a child to the mix? Doesn't the very idea of having a baby with this lazy manchild just make you want to rip out your hair in despair? If you had a baby with him then I suspect you would have to prepare yourself to do ALL the work of having a baby - and he might sometimes do you a 'favour' by watching the child while you do the washing up or something.

#6 Consider chucking him back in the pond you found him in; just judging from what you have written, he is a frog - not a prince.

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