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or are PIL? Long & tedious I'm afraid

(44 Posts)
MrsHelsBels74 Fri 05-Apr-13 19:37:40

At the moment DS1 goes to PIL on Wednesday afternoons, he did so when I went back to work from maternity leave & it's carried on since I went on maternity leave again to give him some consistency. Anyway, the plan was that they would have both boys when I returned to work this time. I was a bit doubtful but they assured me they would be fine so I left it as I didn't want to upset anyone.

DS2 has just turned 3 & is being a typical boisterous, naughty 3 year old. A few times I've got the impression that they've been very glad to hand him over at the end of the afternoon.

I've had a few mental health problems recently & my mum came to stay to help out. One day she went to pick DS1 up from the ILs & when she came back she said that they had said that he had been 'a little wotsit' all afternoon & FIL had said to her that they were getting too old for this. They sometimes have DS2 on a Thursday, but asked if it was ok not to have him that week as both boys 2 days in a row was too much. My mother related this to me & I spoke to DH that night & said that maybe it was getting too much to cope with & should we enquire about whether the boys could go to nursery on the Wednesday as well (DS1 already goes Thursdays and Fridays). DH said it was worth enquiring & he would speak to his parents about it.

Well, the next day the shit really hit the fan. They denied they ever said any of it to my mum, that she is stirring, and they have never said they couldn't cope with the boys. I said that we needed to sort this so could we all sit down & discuss it, they refused saying that they didn't want my mum anywhere near them. They also said that they wanted 2 weeks off having DS1 because they were so busy. (DH let it slip later that the real reason was that they didn't want my mum going to pick him up). I said that I wasn't having this & that I would book him into nursery & that would be the end of it.

They have now said that because we think they are 'useless & unable to look after the boys' they won't have them again, at all. They're sulking (which they have good form for) & didn't even give either boy anything for Easter.

So, if you're still reading, AIBU for putting the boys in nursery or are they for being childish & sulky & overreacting?

So as not to dripfeed, I have had concerns about them looking after DS1 for a while as they never take him out & basically serve him up a snack buffet for him to graze on all afternoon but I put up with it so as not to cause upset, but to be honest I'm glad of the excuse to get him into nursery instead of them looking after him.

cunexttuesonline Fri 05-Apr-13 19:42:00

YANBU, even without all the weirdness towards your mum, you weren't happy with the way they were looking after them and that is reason enough to stop the arrangement! x

MissLurkalot Fri 05-Apr-13 19:45:19

It sounds like it's come to a natural end.
Put the kids in nursery... And sod the in laws!
Your kids need consistency, and if in laws are going to throw wobbles like this, it's not good for kids.
Maybe now the kids are older, they need more stimulation anyway, which makes nursery the more preferable option.
In laws not recognising kids at Easter is pretty petty and unkind to be honest,
Sod them.
Leave them stewing... They'll soon come round... And if not, double sod them!
xx

cupcake78 Fri 05-Apr-13 19:48:53

Just put the boys in childcare for those days. Your pil can't pick and chose days if it will affect your work.

Flisspaps Fri 05-Apr-13 19:52:44

They are being unreasonable.

BlueberryHill Fri 05-Apr-13 19:52:45

Agree, if you are relying on help for work you need consistency. When does your oldest go to school? Maybe you can use that as an excuse, need to build up the hours at a nursery so that he is used to school kind of thing. Use it as a way of defusing the row, not that it is your fault.

I'm assuming that your mum is reliable and hasn't got the wrong end of the stick about wanting a break from looking after them, but even if she had, the normal response would be to say, oh no, DM got it wrong what we actually meant was... They sound petty blowing up about it.

Katisha Fri 05-Apr-13 19:53:45

If they are going to muck about with the comittment when it suits them then you need to have something properly in place so that you can concentrate properly on work and not on firefighting childcare/having to keep PiLs on track. Especially if it's so easy to set them off in a strop.YOu don't want the DCs being used as bargaining chips.

If there's one thing you learn from MN its that relying on relations for childcare rarely works well.

LIZS Fri 05-Apr-13 19:54:19

maybe they wondered why they had the boys when your dm was around to help out ? Agree it sounds like it is now too much , either for their energy level or due to other commitments. You seem to have reacted quite strongly to a piece of 3rd hand comment - are there other issues perhaps ?

ChasedByBees Fri 05-Apr-13 19:57:38

If they're going to take disagreements put on the children, it just shows you made the right decision.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 05-Apr-13 19:57:41

This kind of in law infighting is familiar. So sad they are being so childish. Are you sure your mum wasn't secretly a bit pleases? Regardless of that, they are being ridiculous not even discussing it with you?

YANBU.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 05-Apr-13 19:57:56

Pleased, not pleases

Snoopingforsoup Fri 05-Apr-13 19:59:46

I would spare them some feelings though, they clearly love their GC to have offered to look after them in the first place and they have helped you in doing so for however long.
As one who's never had the Grand Parents on tap, I envy the fact you have had that luxury so I'm probably blinkered to the reality. That said, this arrangement has clearly run its course for now.
I'm a big believer in nursery, but when the kids are ill, they have to stay off. The IL's may be able to help in these circumstances in the future so don't burn your bridges would be my advice.

HazelnutinCaramel Fri 05-Apr-13 20:01:34

I think putting them in the nursery is the right thing to do.

However, in the interests of family harmony and your DCs future relationship with their GPs, you should make it clear to them that you're not doing it to spite them. And they are seem very over-sensitive about it all so some gentle probing as to what's behind it might be in order.

Bigboybed Fri 05-Apr-13 20:03:24

YANBU.If you are not happy with the way he was being looked after by them,put them in nursery.Sounds like they probably are finding it too much and no wonder,3 year olds are tiring.Sounds suspicious that they cancelled when your mum was around,I believe her that they did say that.Nursery will cost more but probably better for you all.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 05-Apr-13 20:03:49

Yes, the more I think about it, the more I can see the natural competitiveness between grandparents can lead to this sortvof siruation. Your mum didn't really need to go running to you, did she?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 05-Apr-13 20:05:22

I might be projecting my own experience here

OhTheConfusion Fri 05-Apr-13 20:05:48

YANBU. Sadly I think the time has come for nursery. It is just sad that there had to be like this.

My PIL have form for sulking and we really are not the best of friends. I have taken extended maternity leave for this reason as they insist they WOULD BE HAVING DD!

CheshireDing Fri 05-Apr-13 20:06:13

YANBU sounds like a PITA

Nursery will provide consistency and as Lurkalot said they might need more stimulation now.

My Mum looks after pfb 1 day a week but she is quite a young fit Mum and takes her out, goes to soft play, parks etc. pfb would be bored if she stayed in all day, even if it was just 1 day a week (and she is only 17 months)

LittleFeileFooFoo Fri 05-Apr-13 20:09:50

It sounds like they are protesting too much! In all likelyhood, they really did want to cut back but couldn't figure out how to do that, and while this solves everyone's problems, they didn't like how it went down from your DM, for whatever reason. competitive GPs are a thing to fear!

I'm guessing they will be glad this happened, but are worried that they won't get most favored grandparent status to see the kids as much as they'd like.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 05-Apr-13 20:12:12

It was a good arrangement while it lasted. PILs may grumble about you overreacting or being too quick to change things but if you said okay back to Plan A then I bet they'd regret it in a week. I bet they mainly regretted sounding off to your mum, it's pride ie realise they look like they're past coping. If they did not feel able to moan a bit to DH or you they must have known your DM would pass on what they said.

The DCs need consistency so don't reconsider, let things settle - it's not like you've emigrated, nobody need huff over it. They'll only be cutting their own noses off to spite their faces if they sulk.

bootsycollins Fri 05-Apr-13 20:13:15

YANBU the il's aren't your priority, if they wanna sulk about it tough shit, from what you've said I'm certain it's best for you and your dc and they'll be happier in a more stimulating environment.

mynewpassion Fri 05-Apr-13 20:13:37

I think you gave more weight to your mother's words than your pils. They might have been having a moan and you took it as fact. They handled it wrong but having your mother reporting back probably got their hackles up.

Backtobedlam Fri 05-Apr-13 20:14:25

I think you've done exactly the right thing, unless family members are very similar to you in the way they handle the children, and are open to discussions its never going to work. For the sake of all your future sanity though I'd explain to them that it wasnt because you didn't think they could cope, it was just you felt you were putting in them too much and wanted them to enjoy your children as GP's rather than having to discipline them. Perhaps suggest that they are welcome to take them out of nursery for odd days if they fancy doing something special with the boys.

lopsided Fri 05-Apr-13 20:17:04

Cut them a little slack. I moan a bit about things sometimes, it may have just been something to say.

They may have wondered why they were doing all the care when you are on maternity leave and your mum was round. Now there may be very good reasons for this but did they know them?

DontmindifIdo Fri 05-Apr-13 20:17:24

so to check, you are currently on mat leave but due to go back to work soon? then I think it's best to get DS used to the change of not going to Granny and Grandad's house once a week now - however, I'd make an effort to rebuild bridges if you can, if they are close by and you have 2 DCs in nursery, you might need them to cover the 2 lots of sick days they might have that you'll need cover for.

How about stressing it's not solely about what they said, you'd wanted to increase his hours at nursery anyway for the pre-school element (which I'm assuming your nursery will do).

Make an effort to invite them over once your DM has gone back for say, a sunday lunch so DH is there too, make it clear you want them to have the chance to have the fun part of grandparenting without the responsibility.

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