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AIBU?

To think I get a say in hubby having the snip?

66 replies

phoenixrose314 · 05/04/2013 16:08

Quick summary: DH has two children from a previous marriage. We've been together for six years and I've just given birth to a gorgeous son.

It took me a while to convince him to have this baby, but I made it clear from the start that if he wasn't open to having children with me then he would lose me; I have always wanted to be a mum more than anything and although I love his children I wanted to know what it would feel like to have a little one of my own. He came around to the idea and despite fertility problems we are now a happy little family unit and he is the most loving and devoted father to our DS, it fills me with joy to see them together.

Anyway, two days after we're home from hospital, he mentions going to the doctors to see about getting his tubes tied. We'd talked about it whilst I was pregnant and I said that I was happy only having one (yes I know I am stupid) - but he hadn't brought it up again since and when he did it kind of knocked me for six. He realised I was taken aback and explained that he really didn't want any more children, although he adores the three he has.

I said to him that although I was still sure I only wanted one, there was a big part if me that just didn't want that avenue closed. I'm more than happy to get the coil fitted and take other precautions... He told me to think about it.

Today he comes home and says he's seen the doctor and made an appointment. I feel like he's pushing ahead with this because he doesn't want me to have the time to say no... Am I being unreasonable or are my mad post pregnancy hormones making me feel so emotional about it all?

OP posts:

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trinity0097 · 05/04/2013 16:11

You can't force him to have more children than he wants. It sounds like he has done his share of being accommodating in having his third to make you happy, but obviously doesn't want any more.

LaurieFairyCake · 05/04/2013 16:11

He's allowed to control his fertility any way he sees fit - as are you.

If you really think you're going to go back to your previous thinking (where you were upfront about leaving him if he wouldn't have a child with you) then you could explain that again.

ChasedByBees · 05/04/2013 16:11

YANBU to be upset, but ultimately, whether he has more children is his choice so it is his decision to make. I can understand why you're upset though. :(

ChasedByBees · 05/04/2013 16:12

Sorry - forgot to add a gentle but firm YABU.

ENormaSnob · 05/04/2013 16:13

I don't think you get a say tbh but that doesn't mean you can't be upset.

His body his choice. Your choice to stay with or not.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 05/04/2013 16:14

I think YABU as I don't think it would be okay for him to try and control your body but if you are married I think you do actually have to give permission for him to have it.

If you refused that could be the end of your relationship though.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 05/04/2013 16:15

Another YABU here, he has a choice over his own body and you have a choice whether to stay with him or not. You have every right to be upset but you need to decide whats more important, your dh or having another child, you shouldn't guilt trip him into not having it done.

Lueji · 05/04/2013 16:16

I think you are being unreasonable, really.
You knew he was pressured into having this one with you, and you said you were happy with one.

He's perfectly justified in deciding he doesn't want the risk of having another child by accident.

You have to decide if you stay with him knowing you won't have more children with him.

MrsLettuce · 05/04/2013 16:18

His body, his choice. Absolutely.

AyouBU to want a say? To want a frank, open and reasonable discussion of the consequences? No, of course not. Him making this decision (whilst it is his to make) unilaterally is likely to be pretty damaging for the relationship.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 05/04/2013 16:19

No schro he doesn't have to get her permission, he only has to give his own reasons for wanting it done, the doctor can't refuse based on someone elses opinion.

Lueji · 05/04/2013 16:21

it is not a legal requirement to get your partner's permission

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 05/04/2013 16:23

Just seen that, I thought you did sorry.

Why have there been so many threads about spouses having to sign?

MorrisZapp · 05/04/2013 16:23

I think any man who knows he doesn't want more kids would be well advised to have the snip.

Sorry, but on this one Yabu.

phoenixrose314 · 05/04/2013 16:23

Thanks for your honesty. Guess it's the hormones.

I just wish he hadn't pretended that my input would have made a difference if he was going to go and do it anyway.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 05/04/2013 16:24

Can you imagine if your husband had to sign to let you have an op? That would be all kinds of wrong.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/04/2013 16:25

Schro, I had to sign when dh was "done" years ago. But I wasn't consenting to the op, I was acknowledging that sometimes it fails, so I couldn't sue them if I later got pregnant.

TheBigJessie · 05/04/2013 16:26

MorrisZapp I had an American friend on another forum who was in that exact position, regarding having a sterilisation operation.

She was a lesbian.

Trills · 05/04/2013 16:27

YABU, but it may turn out that you are asked anyway when he goes for the appointment.

TheSmallPrint · 05/04/2013 16:29

I had to sign a form when my Dh did too. I thought it was outrageous.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 05/04/2013 16:31

OldLady Ahhh okay, that makes sense. What would happen if you didn't sign?

Sorry for hijack.

OP, it is understandable that you would be feeling like this, DP and I decided he would have it done after this pregnancy but I have since gotten cold feet about it. Luckily he agreed to put off having it done, it must be a horrible feeling and I hope you manage to get through it.

fedupofnamechanging · 05/04/2013 16:36

If he's having it on the NHS, he may well have to wait. DH had to wait for nearly a year, so you still have time to discuss it.

I think yanbu to want a say in this. He is not just controlling his fertility, he is controlling yours too because you are unlikely to leave him now that you have a baby together. So that puts the stoppers on you having another child.

For me, I would equate it to you deciding that you would like a second child and making arrangements to buy donated sperm, without getting his agreement first.

If he rushes into this, against your will, I would be inclined to tell him that you will consider doing the above in the future.

Really, he should give you the time to think about this and hold off until you are certain.

Chocoflump · 05/04/2013 16:37

I don't think it's just hormones making you upset about it- you have every right to be upset! it's a big thing and will impact on your future massively.

I totally understand how upset it must make you feel, however unfortunately it's his body and if he is adamant that he's getting it done then I'm afraid there's nothing you can do, other than accept it, or move on.

Hugs x

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LadyHarrietdeSpook · 05/04/2013 16:48

I would be disappointed if DH did this w/o me being 100% on board with it.

But - I would also feel very overwhelmed by four children. So, I can see where he's coming from too.

It feels to me like neither of you was 100% honest with each other/yourselves about how your goals for future family.

I think I would start with this discussion. I would ask him to postpone the procedure even just to give yourself time to get your head round it so to speak - with the post pregnancy hormones I would have found this very very hard and it would potentailly have caused more upset in my relationship than any other time. I wanted another more than ever then despite how tired I was! I wouldn't have been able to think rationally about it. Maybe this is similar for you?

wannaBe · 05/04/2013 16:55

he has three children. That is more than enough for most people, he is more than reasonable to not want any more, even though I doo understand the fact that two of those children are not yours.

There are plenty of threads on here from posters whose dh's are adament they don't want any more children but who are not prepared to put their money where their mouth is and have the snip to prove how serious they really are about not wanting any more children. And this often creates a false sense in the woman that she may be able to talk him round/that he will change his mind.

By being willing to and actually proactively taking steps to have a vasectomy your dh is acknowledging the fact that he adamently does not want any more children.

Let's be honest here, you knew he didn't really want any more children before but you talked him round. You also told him that you would be happy with only one and he went along with that. But now he is a father of three (your dsc cannot be discounted in this thought process) he clearly feels that is enough and that is not unreasonable.

I do think that it's a risk you take when getting involved with someone who already has children that they are likely to want less children than you do iyswim.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/04/2013 16:55

Karma you would put emotional pressure on your partner to do what you want?

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