I don't really like my friend.(19 Posts)
To set the scene: friend X is my best friend of years. We used to live together and have lots in common and great fun together. She moved 100 miles away two years ago and now I see her about every two months.
Friend Y lives in my city, and is friends with X from when she lived here too. Y is a nice person, but quite different to X and I. Since X moved away, Y has wanted to be involved every time I meet up with X, and to be honest I hate it. She came to a festival and wanted to go to bed early every night (with us in tow), patronised me saying I was too drunk and tried to take me home from a party (I was with lots of friends and completely safe), asked to come on holiday with us then completely steamrollered our plans because she couldn't afford them so we had to stay in a hostel instead of a nice hotel, and so on. She's also quite passive-aggressive - she wheedles and sulks instead of just asking for things her way. If she doesn't get her own way, she makes the atmosphere horrible. I do like her in small doses but I don't ever want to spend days stuck with her again, and usually mine and X's meet ups are for a weekend or longer due to distance.
X is really easy-going and when asked, will always tell Y our plans. I really want to be able to spend time with X, without Y there being a killjoy. X likes Y and wouldn't want to upset her (nor do I).
What can I do? Am I just being a bitch? AIBU to ask X to keep our plans a secret or will I just look really mean?
I think you just need to be a bit more honest with the friend you do like.
I wouldn't spend time with people I dislike these days, but I did it a lot when I was younger. You need to just be firm and say you're wanting to do your own thing, but don't be upset if she then wants time with the other friend without you.
I take it you are under 30?
You have time yet to turn into a battle axe.
Difficult to tell whether YABU without knowing everyone involved.
Have you talked to X about how you feel? What does she think? Does she agree that Y makes the atmosphere horrible or that she sulks? Is X bothered whether you stay in a hostel or a hotel?
I think it's fine to say to X that you want to spend time with her without Y there sometimes.
If the problem is between you and Y maybe she would prefer to see X without you there too?
Yes mid-20s. Y is a few years older and tries to take a controlling mothering role, I think. I would be totally fine with X & Y spending time without me if it meant I got to have fun with X alone sometimes!
I am aware I sound a bit like a possessive 12 year old.
I think the problem here is how you deal with your sulky friend. When she's behaving like this don't pander to her. By sulking she's being manipulative. Don't let her get away with it, she'll soon learn. Just be firm when she trys to change plans. If she doesn't like what's already been arranged then tough luck.
Like snoopingforsoup I too wouldn't spend time with people like this anymore. I think as you get older you become more assertive in dealing with these situations.
I haven't talked to X about it yet; she is aware though and tries to make compromises between me and Y, which I am sad she has to do. X'd rather stay in the hotel but is more laid-back than I am. (Y can't afford a hotel because she recently chose to drop half her hours at work and is saving; so she could afford the hotel but doesn't want to.) if Y & X had a trip planned and I wanted to go, I'd fit in with them, not try to change it all. Actually I probably wouldn't go.
steampink - you don't sound like a possessive 12 year old at all. I just remember this sort of thing being a problem in my 20's. By the time you're 40 you just don't bother with people who get on your nerves in my experience.
I think you should arrange some 1:1 time, insist upon it. You may find you miss the other friend more than you think.
Maybe X likes spending time with Y because she is your counter balance.
X is more than welcome to spend time alone with Y. In the 2 years X's lived away from our city, her and Y have met up without me twice and X didn't enjoy either time much as she felt she had to look after Y.
We're all going away next week and I'm dreading it frankly.
I'd just say. Tell X how you feel, prefacing it with "It may not bother you but it's really bothering me..."
I'd literally repeat your OP. Life's too short. If you don't say then your friendship with X will get frayed and thin. I've got friends I've kept since school. But there are others who just faded away. How much do you care about X?
Can't see any issue in saying to X that you just want to spend time with her next meet up, and not to mention it to Y.
I really like X. She likes everyone but I don't, but I really like her . I'm going to have to come clean after this holiday.
I am friends with Y independently but from a time when a big group of us spend time together, so until recently I'd never spent any real lengths of time with her. I see her for a coffee every so often and enjoy it; she's an interesting person. I just don't think we get each other enough to spend days in each other's company. I think she gets frustrated with me too, for not always doing what she wants.
Get X to come and stay with you on your own, easier than if you go there and aren't in charge of arrangements.
Be honest with X that you don't really gel with Y as much as she does and you'd like to see her alone. However, if X is a people pleaser, then you may end up just not seeing much of X, some people really are happy to let everyone tag along and if that's the case, you may lose touch over the years anyway.
I wouldn't say anything to X or to Y, as it often makes the speaker look difficult - not really fair but just how it is.
Instead, just avoid Y. That way she won't know what you and X are planning. Instead, invite X to do things on your terms and you can always say 'can't wait to catch up with you X, I def need your advice on a couple of things'. IME, if people think you are about to reveal juicy bits of information they don't bring along anyone who might compromise that!
If you organise an event/activity and X wants to come along then just make it clear what the plans are, e.g. staying in a hotel, staying out late, etc. and don't budge on the arrangements.
If Y organises an event/activity then she can say what the arrangements are and you can choose whether to join in or not.
It's not fair that you're accomodating what she wants all the time. I hate it when you organise something with friends and then one person wants everything changing. I got so sick of paying to do things that I didn't really want to do that I've got tougher about saying no, these are the plans and we're sticking to them. But I would always tell friends that if they want to do what Y wants to do then I'm happy to sit this one out.
I would just be honest and tell x that you and y do not get along so would rather she kept plas to meet up to herself. And suggest to x mabey she could areangements to meet up with y another time
"We're all going away next week and I'm dreading it frankly."
Could you look on it as an opportunity instead? <hopeful> Maybe be prepared to counter the passive-aggressive Y by being all jolly and cajoling e.g. "Ooh, if you're going to sulk because I want to stay up later than you and drink, there'll be no lollipop for you on the trip home!"<grinning widely and in a silly voice>. (Subtext - I've noticed your sulks and I'll be ignoring them in the future.)
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