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To ask if you get listened to, i am white noise!

(26 Posts)
upagainstit Fri 05-Apr-13 11:18:40

And im at the end of my rope.

I can see that they are listening to me but its like their eyes glaze over. Dp says i nag alot and id really like to change that it gets me down too but noone listens to me. The dcs have piles of clothes in their room to go away, just gone upstairs and one of thems is scattered literally all over the floor screwed up so ive ironed them for nothing. I asked d to tidy her room because it was a state she went up for an hour came down said it was then has kept her door shut. ive been in to check if there was washing and its even worse, chocolate wrappers everywhere, crisp wrapper, millions of cut up pieces of paper and a hoarde of dirty clothes.
It takes them hours to eat tea and they wont eat half the things we eat so dp runs teatime like a flaming cafe ( 2/3 are sc and will say they dont like/wont eat)
they are always arguing and i mean constantly getting at each other over pointless crap and lying to try and get out of trouble.
Dp is a good dad and i love the bones of him but he doesnt help me tackle and solve anything he just shouts like a fishwife when things havent been done/they are whining.

We are pretty skint lately and with it being the holidays it has been grim because they are all bored witless. i take them on walks, to the park ect but then the silly arguing starts over whos not playing a made up game right, dp shouts and we end up worse off than before we went out!

someone tell me it will even out and get better or give me some tips or how better to get things done without everything turning into a drama. Am so tired and worn down sad

willyoulistentome Fri 05-Apr-13 11:30:24

Check out my nn. sad

BumpingFuglies Fri 05-Apr-13 11:34:48

Same here OP sad

I have a raging headache from shouting this morning. DC have had 5 time outs between them, both had an hour in their bedroom. I got up at 6.30am, DP has just emerged. I'm close to breaking point too.

That doen't help at all, sorry. I'll wait for advice from other lovely posters.

upagainstit Fri 05-Apr-13 11:41:50

you are supposed to be telling me it is a bad day and will transform by lunchtime when the postman brings me a £1000 cheque smile

CajaDeLaMemoria Fri 05-Apr-13 11:43:21

I'd pick your battles here, OP.

How old is DD? Either tell her that she cleans up or you'll be throwing everything out on Saturday morning (and actually binbag it up...slyly rescue it and hide in the garage or something, but go through with it from her point of view) or just leave it and tell her that any washing needs to be put somewhere accessible and she needs to empty her own bin etc because you will quite simply not be going in there. She will tidy it eventually. My bedroom was an absolute skip for some of my childhood...

Tell DP that you are at the end of your tether, and are very close to going on strike. Ask him to help when he can, and to quit moaning. He is more than capable of doing jobs too, and shouting is unacceptable. It'll add so much tension to the house.

Try to stop shouting completely, for everyone. Use a naughty step, or a sticker chart, or confiscate things. Whatever works. It doesn't take long for most people to pick it up, and once the shouting has been gone for a few days, they'll be a much better atmosphere.

Say things once, and don't repeat yourself. Once everyone has missed out on a few things, or gone without something, they'll soon learn to listen as soon as you speak.

And finally, take five minutes for you sometime soon if you can. You sound like you really need it...I hope these help. It's what we implement as home helpers, so they will if you can implement them firmly and consistently.

upagainstit Fri 05-Apr-13 11:48:31

d is 10, going on 17. i wouldnt mind so much the her room her mess but this morning she has brought me her bedsheets covered in chocolate because she fell asleep with easter eggs on her bed and moaning she never has any clothes because they are all shoved behind her door dirty!

I have a sticker chart for them, i think the treats are abit naff and thats why they cant be bothered but not got the funds for much different. I get alot of at mums the treats are going here, there ect but i just cant afford that sad

dp does jobs round the house and cooks but he moans at them alot, for noise, for arguing, for not eating. i need him to back me in changing behaviours but he just shouts. i hate shouting and it usually makes me feel ten times worse but i feel like nothing i say goes in lately. thank you for your advice. i think the arguing is the most wearing as it is constant every 5 minutes its hes doing this or shes doing this or hes not doing this. they are all very much involved in each others buisness and dont seem able to leave each other alone

upagainstit Fri 05-Apr-13 11:49:41

i think you have hit the nail on the head there pp, i do feel like i have no time for me. if i try to pop to the shops someone always wants to come with, if i have a bath ds insists on coming to play in the bathroom. if i sit quietly with a bru they argue and bicker and i end up wading in. perhaps i would feel better if i made a point of taking some me time.

MaureenMLove Fri 05-Apr-13 11:50:39

DD has lived like this for years! She's 17 now, but I stopped doing her washing and ironing when she was about 14 maybe.

I now just close the door on her room. It's not my problem. It's really not worth the argument. Occasionally, I might say, 'is it time you did some washing?' In fact I did that on Tuesday, she still hasn't done any. I really don't care that much. Life is too short. She'll work it out one day.

upagainstit Fri 05-Apr-13 11:52:59

i hope so, i feel like an ogre, always nagging. if i didnt maybe they would realise. i just hate to live in mess it makes me itchy and unfortuantly for the s's they share a room so if one is untidy the others is too. i could work this with d though as its only her who would have to live in the mess

freddiefrog Fri 05-Apr-13 11:58:58

I hear you op!

I feel exactly the same sometimes.

I have been making a huge effort not to shout lately and I've found it makes a massive difference

I think if you use a quiet but firm voice they have to actually stop and listen to what you're saying. Shouting is water off a duck's back.

DH is the one who pisses me off the most though. 3 times this morning I asked him to put the house phone (that he had been using) back on the charger (that he was sitting next to) before he did it.

upagainstit Fri 05-Apr-13 12:10:38

sound like my house! i am so fed up of repeating myself and think im just going to stop. and we shall see what happens to the place and if anyone remembers their various book bags,clothes,kits. i highly doubt it!

Fraying Fri 05-Apr-13 12:21:20

Have you tried reading 'How to talk so kids will listen' ? It's a really easy read (which helps, because I don't know about you but I find it difficult to get peace to sit down and read anything complicated!). It gives quite a few different techniques.

I've been using it with my ds and I just realised yesterday that a lot of our flashpoints have disappeared (eg not tidying up, not putting clothes away).

I also introduced a star chart and said ds could get a big treat once the bottom row was filled with star stickers. However, once the bottom row was full, dcs weren't too bothered about the treat. Somehow, along the way, getting the stickers had turned into the reward. No idea how that happened but glad it did!

Anyway try to read the book, it doesn't help with dh's shouting or his mess but it's definitely helped with dcs.

(oops, and have these thanks it's hard when you feel like you're the only one trying to stem the tide of messiness and shouting).

Emilythornesbff Fri 05-Apr-13 12:25:48

I only have a 2 m.o and a 2 y.o so not much personal advice
But I find that my most successful moments days are those when I'm one step ahead of 2 yo DS. Get up, get out or doing an activity before he has the chance to trash the place get bored.

This is very tiring (especially with being up most of the night feeding baby) but when I'm on the back foot I can feel like I never recover IYSWIM. It's been more difficult this hols (not HOLIHOBS, no) due to toddler groups being closed and the weather being crap.

I agree with other poster who recommends picking our battles. Some things are just not worth it.
Even with DH. I have stopped mentioning his clothes left on the bathroom floor. It used to really annoy me but "nagging" changed nothing. Now I either leave them there or pick them up.it takes two minutes (as I've to.d him a million times before grin ).

Obviously I've got it all wrapped up wink.

Don't be so tough on yourself. wine

KatoPotato Fri 05-Apr-13 12:28:03

Dear White Noise.

Thank you for being there to get my newborn to stop crying in the early days! I'll never forget you!

Seriously though, Don't be so tough on yourself wine it can be very frustrating, I do hope that cheque arrives for you today!

StealthPolarBear Fri 05-Apr-13 12:30:01

When I met MIL I noticed she had this weird habit of saying "D'Y HEAR ME?" every now and again. Now I'm doing it too sad

freddiefrog Fri 05-Apr-13 12:30:07

You should just stop doing it!

Once they run out of clean clothes and can't find their homework in the mess in their bedroom and they get detention for forgetting PE kit once too often they may start making an effort

I've got more relaxed about mess these days. DD2 has emptied out a cupboard this morning and there's currently paper all over the living room floor. The kids want to go swimming, but we're not going anywhere until they've tidied it up. The old me would have been itching over the mess, but the new me is happy to carry on with the stand off, I'm the one with the car keys and the cash grin

Shodan Fri 05-Apr-13 12:50:54

Wrt the messy room- once or twice with ds1 (who is now 17) I told him that he had 2 hours (or whatever) to tidy his room to my satisfaction or I would Do It For Him.

Then, when he hadn't done it, I went in with the dustpan and shovelled everything into bin bags- clothes, schoolwork, books, toys, chocolate wrappers- whatever it was, it all went in together. You can either put the bag where they can't get it, or if you're feeling particularly evil you could pull back the duvet on their bed and dump the contents there grin It only took a couple of days for panic to set in and he would start tidying up as he went along. He's not perfect now, by any means- but if I tell him to tidy his room (and I let it go a lot, because it is his space, but there are limits), he does a good job- and even confesses that he prefers it that way.

Don't iron their clothes, either- if they're going to adorn the floor with them, why waste your time? Use that time to sit down/do something for yourself. And be very firm about being left alone, too. They need to learn you're not their slave!

aPseudonymToFoolHim Fri 05-Apr-13 12:52:05

I hear you. It's exactly the same in my house. Even when I send them upstairs on an errand they will come down to query what exactly it was that I asked them to fetch. ARGH!

It takes 3 or 4 times of asking (the 3rd or 4th time being a bollocking) before they will actually DO as I've asked.
I can't say "Tidy your room" I have to say "pick that up, put that away, make your bed, fold your clothes, hang up your coat, put that in the bin"....ie I can't give a blanket "clean up" instruction, I have to stand and bark exactly WHAT I want to be cleaned up.

AND when I say "MOVE THAT" they often just pick the offending item up from the living room floor and dump it on the couch or other place IT DOESN'T BELONG!

We go on holiday (3 dcs in a caravan for a week! EEK!) tomorrow so have been staying in since Wed to get all the jobs done and save money and energy before the action packed holiday! It also REALLY bugs me that they just don't seem bloody grateful or appreciative of the things I do for them (just got back from a weekend in London too) I just think that with all things they get to do, asking them to do a job round the house shouldn't be met with ignorance or whinging! sad

Sorry for the hijack, but I'm losing it. I should have started my own thread! I need some calming advice! smile

outtolunchagain Fri 05-Apr-13 13:01:04

I'm the same and I wish I could say it gets better but mine are 19,16 and 11 and no sign yet. Ds1 has very tidy room at University through apparently.

thebody Fri 05-Apr-13 13:10:25

We all hear u. My older 2 have left but still flit back and are untidy.

My 2 younger teens dds are quite frankly terrible. Rooms are a tip or would be if I didn't tidy.

I have always been tidy as is my mum. I think you either are or you arnt and that's just it really.

I tidy up after them because I can't stand mess.

Not helpful I know but just to say I understand.

Emilythornesbff Fri 05-Apr-13 13:11:38

I'm saving all these tips for the future.

upagainstit Fri 05-Apr-13 13:26:17

I feel less alone in the mess. and dp has bought me some fanta fruit twist. I'm currently trying to persuade him we need some family time and to go to out for tea.I think the worst part is feeling like Noone cares how your feeling. wish I could settle when Its messy but I think I will deffo start insisting on some peace or nipping out alone a bit

upagainstit Fri 05-Apr-13 15:10:51

dp has become incapable of making a decision keeps asking what we are doing then then grumping when I say obviously nothing! no good me saying we are going out for dinner if we can't afford it and there is literally nothing nearby other than food places

fluffyraggies Fri 05-Apr-13 15:29:18

It's a tipping point thing isn't OP? Perhaps you're only just reaching yours. What do you really feel like doing?

I loose it with my 3DCs sometimes. Not often - but when i do i carry out the threats i've been brandishing about for the last x number of months. About 2 years ago i picked up all the belongings strewn across DD2s floor, bin bagged them and put them out on the patio (4 bags full). I told her the next stop would be the dustbin and she had till the end of the day to sort it.

She sorted it and hasn't forgotten that one.

Yesterday i stomped up the stairs to DD3s room with a bin bag of dirty sawdust (which she'd cleaned out from her indoor guinea pig's house after much nagging) and chucked placed it in the middle of her bedroom. I told her to enjoy it as she clearly thinks the middle of the room is the best place for it, as the middle of the kitchen is where she had dumped it for the umpteenth time instead of A SHORT WALK OUTSIDE TO PUT THE FECKING THING IN THE BROWN BIN!!!!!! angry

I mean what a waste of time and effort. She took the bag out - got sawdust on the stairs - so then she had to hoover the stairs.

It's all so unnecessary I mean why???? Why does it have to be this way?

<goes for lay down>

fluffyraggies Fri 05-Apr-13 15:32:15

DD3 is 15 by the way ... not 6 or anything. Just saying.

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