Always same bedtime(64 Posts)
I have a DD who is 8 months and my friend has a DD who has just turned 4 months.
We have both been invited to another friends house (who has 2 dc, toddler and school age) with our DC's for food, early evening.
My friend doesn't want to go as her DD goes to bed at a certain time and she doesn't want to alter this.
AIBU by thinking that it doesn't harm children to have an occasional change to their routine.
My DD is usually in bed for 7.30 but if we are out somewhere and it is later, then I don't worry about it. I did this with my older DS and he was a brilliant sleeper and still is at 7.
My DD is in a great routine - wind down starts at 6pm, in bed by 7pm. Sleeps til 7pm. She's only 5 months too.
I'm sorry but YABU. The reason she sleeps so well is because she is in a great routine. My friend, who drags her poor DS here there and everywhere, meaning that no two days are the same, might have a much better social life - but gets zero sleep because the little boy wakes up all night.
Of course, could be coincidental but thank you, I'm keeping my routine
It would have to be bloody good reason to break her routine - even for a night! The last time we did it, it sent her off track for 3 days. Never again!
Really, why does it bother you? Confused.
And yes yes mrs Duvall! Early bed = sanity for me!
In my opinion your social life naturally changes when you have a baby, it's part and parcel of it. As a pp has said, the thought of trying to settle DS at someone elses house and worrying that he wouldn't sleep, blah blah and worrying that my friends were judging me would ruin any enjoyment I might have of the evening. We haven't had friends over for dinner since DS was born. However we go out for LOTS of lunches, coffees, playing at other people's houses etc. We've had some friends who've judged us for no longer being able to go to the pub at the drop of a hat, and some friends who've just stopped inviting us to things at all, even though we have doting grandparents on standby! When he's older we'll be more flexible. Whilst he's a baby, our evening social life has been put on the back burner.
I was very rigid with dcs bedtime....bath at 5.30, bed at 6.30.
It meant I had the evening to myself, and they were settled for babysitters.
They were pretty good sleepers and I think I was terrified of spoiling that routine. My friends were quite similar, so we met as adults in the evening, rather than having children around.
A night around a friends house is not worth upsetting DS routine. It takes us weeks to get the routine back on track and i need whatever sleep i can get.
I have done for weddings and important family parties.
The thought of breaking DD's bedtime routine brings me out in a cold sweat! We had such awful nights with her until we got into a routine and she is so difficult when we break it that I will never voluntarily do it for anything non-serious / non-urgent.
However, my friend has a baby of the same age as DD and they don't use a routine at all. But that works for them.
Basically it's up to the individual
the thing is, it's so easy to say that you shouldn't let a baby rule your life, but sleep makes everything else either okay or awful. I hated being out with mine past bedtime, he would not have settled and would have been crying and distressed. It's not about the routine, it's that I wouldn't have enjoyed being out with him.
I tried to get out all the time and never enjoyed it. next time with a baby I will be much quicker to say NO to being out and not worrying about judgy people like you.
Routine seems to have become more fashionable. When my daughter was a baby I would take her out with me to friend's houses sometimes in the evening, and if she was tired I'd feed her then put her down somewhere quiet. Often on a rug or blanket on a floor - and she would sleep quite happily.
I can see that for some parents and babies there are advantages in routines. But there are disadvantages too.
Yabu. Not all babies are portable. 5 month old ds will turn into a demon after about 7pm. We've never tried to enforce a routine, this is just the end of his day and he is tired. we may be able to get him to sleep in a pushchair or car seat but this would take about 45 mins of rocking and shushing. You wouldn't want us as guests, we'd be distracted and ds would be noisy and miserable.
Where is her DP in this? Will she not leave the baby with him so she can go out?
I can see why you're worried about the friendship. She may just be in the bubble though, give it some time.
Her baby is only 4 months old! I cant believe you have already made your mind up about her future parenting and an end to going out together!
She may feel stressed by the mere thought, and feel she wont be able to cope with her baby out in the evening, judged (boy is she right to fear that!) as a new mum with her friends who both have older babies, and she might not find it relaxing and nice at all. Doing the feeding, the nappy changing, with other mums and kids present, along with getting her baby to sleep.
To me, sounds like a pretty helllish evening. Maybe she prefers to put her feet up at home, rather than struggle out of the home?
I have never said anything to her and won't. I still believe that it won't do them any harm but IABU to expect others to do the same.
Yes I suppose she could change her mind but she loved going out way more than I have ever done. Not in a clubbing way but just eating out with friends, etc. I just can't believe that being a mother can change your personality that much. But maybe she will given time.
Very hard to manage to hold on to our friendship though if she can't go out and she won't have people at hers once dd is in bed. I go back to work in month so daytime visits will stop then too.
I was very, very routine driven when my DCs were that young. I'm normally quite a laidback person, but not when it came to their routine. I thought I was coping well and had a fairly easy baby first time round, but upon reflection, I think it was The Routine that made me feel I had some level of control over my life. Once they got to about 2yo, I became much more laidback about meal and bed times.
I know you've admitted YABU, but I don't think you believe that you are really . Which is fair enough, but please, don't let on to her that you think SIBU in any way, shape or form. Especially don't say 'each to their own', or similar.
OP -- I hear you, I don't personally understand people who stop going out entirely when they have kids.
It sounds like actually she just doesn't want to go out and her saying it's the routine is just an excuse.
But 4 months is so young, she may change her mind down the line.
YADBU. Why should she leave her child while she is so young? Just because it would drive you mad it doesn't mean it would her. Her parenting style is different to yours and as a friend you should respect that.
I know she hasn't tried because she has told me she hasn't.
I was not being particularly judgey about her having a long few years as I would help her out with babysitting. However this is the other thing she won't do. She won't leave her dd with anyone and says she won't until she is 3. However she is planning another child reasonably quickly so by the time that child is 3 it will be at least 4.5 years of not going out together at all with dc or without.
Ok, I know IABU but that would drive me mad and I am not that big on going out all the time.
Couthy - I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to be offensive in any way whatsoever and didn't even register that it could be intended in that way. My dh is actually epileptic himself and regularly uses the phrase "throwing a fit" when light heartedly talking about our children having a moan etc so I never even thought of it being offensive to someone with epilepsy. My apologies.
teacher -- I know what you mean. This is why I don't like people being judgy about routines. You never know what's really going on with people.
Wedgie Mum I'm not sure I agree. I think there is a large intrinsic element to personality (likely genetic) which we have been conditioned not to consider. It is massively unfair on parents to suggest that having "easy" or "difficult" dcs is or ever was in their hands. The blank slate is very good on this.
Maybe she just doesn't want to go and it's a handy excuse?
Fairylea - please don't use the phrase "throw a fit". I find it offensive. I have epilepsy, and it likens a seizure to a toddler tantrum. Which it isn't.
I am always envious of laid back people who can be flexible, but I just can't! I know that I am massively highly strung and anxious about DS and his sleeping, and it all stems from him being beyond AWFUL for the first six months. Routine was the thing that I clung to, and now that things are better, I am too scared to rock the routine boat and mess with it, and I cannot bear the idea that things could return to what they were. Irrational? Yes. I am finally seeking help for this, and I KNOW that people have judged me for how strict I am with DS and his routine. The fact that people do doesn't help. So maybe just have a bit of empathy, she may feel that she has no choice.
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