to be a bit miffed with my friend?

[babyradio]

I'm 31 weeks pregnant and my family decided to throw a baby shower for me as I'm the first one in the family to have a baby in quite a few years, haven't enjoyed my pregnancy so far for various reasons and they want to cheer me up. Nothing major just close friends and family, cake and whatnot.

The topic was first raised about two months ago when this friend (been friends well over a decade, lived together, studied together, holidayed together) said she would absolutely be there no questions asked.

Now she keeps saying she can't afford it, but has put on facebook several times in the last week or so about buying a very expensive camera, going shopping, online shopping etc.

It's absolutely her money and up to her what she spends it on, but I've been having a really really tough time which she knows all about and I feel a bit unsupported I guess. I know it's just a baby shower and means little in the scheme of things, but it's important to me and I feel a bit sad she can't prioritise a train ticket over a spending spree because I would do that if it was her.

We share a birthday and she usually visits her family up here for that, but it falls over the same time as I'm scheduled to be induced so I will most likely be in hospital having my baby and she won't see me then either. Part of the excuse also is that she is already coming up next month for our birthday and can't afford it twice, but the baby shower is at the very start and our birthday is at the very end of the month. Since she's known about it so long couldn't she have put the money aside?

It's probably hormones but I just feel a bit sad and not sure if I'm being unfair to her.

[ENormaSnob]

I wouldn't go either but I don't agree with baby showers (unless you are in a country they are the norm)

The expectation of having to take a gift on top of a train ticket if I was skint would piss me off too.

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

Or maybe she desperately wants a child of her own but isn't having/hasn't had one for whatever reason and is heart broken even as she's pleased for you, and just could not bear to have to try and put on a brave face for you and your triumphant bump?
I have no idea obviously, but there could be so many, many reasons why she seems to be "avoiding" your baby shower - if she is your good friend, cut her some slack and leave her be - she could be crying herself to sleep over letting you down and just not want to burden you with the why of it all.
I wouldn't mind betting that the actual money has got nothing to do with it at all.

[RenterNomad]

Could she be being subbed to buy the camera and other things? Or perhaps she hates baby showers but can't bear to tell you?

She ought to be more tactful about the Facebooking, that's for sure!

[Ouchmyhead]

To be honest, I understand where she's coming from. I haven't been to my friends baby shower, because they are boring. I love my friend dearly, and I made the journey up to see her separately (and you've said you'll see her the next month) with presents for the baby, but the idea of being stuck in a room with my friends family and friends make me feel awkward, and I'd see it as a waste of money. She probably thinks she won't get to see you properly with everyone else there, and she's seeing you the month after anyway, so is just prioritising, I doubt she means to deliberately upset you.

[DiscoDonkey]

I think it's unreasonable, I wouldn't travel and buy a gift for a baby shower. I would travel to see a friend and their newborn and bring a gift then.

[DiscoDonkey]

I often say I can't afford things when what I really mean is I have to prioritise what I spend my money on. I think it's fair enough for your friend to prioritise a camera over a baby shower gift tbh.

[RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie]

I think yabu. But tbh I hate the whole baby shower idea anyway.

[babyradio]

I'm not upset about not getting a gift, actually I specifically requested NOT having gifts at the baby shower, out of superstition. I did say it was being organised for me by family to cheer me up and never mentioned gifts.

I'm upset that she promised she would come because she knew I was having such a tough time and is going back on that with a lame excuse about money when it's clear that the money isn't really the issue.

I won't see her the next time because apart from a birthday night out (which I will obviously not be able to go on) or a trip to the pub (again, unlikely with a newborn) we don't see her when she comes up.

[ratspeaker]

Is she being supportive without actually being there?
I mean are you in text/phone/email contact?
Does she listen, advise, sympathise?

[Corygal]

Sad as it is, I'm regretfully saying YABU.

Baby showers aren't even up there with birthday drinks, sorry - plus she'll have to fork out for the pricy rail ticket. Why should she be spending her disposable cash on you and your bump?

But this isn't about the money, is it (at least I hope not). If she's single, she's probably broken with the boredom and expense of endless hen nights, showers, you name it. Talk to her instead.

[babyradio]

ratspeaker - there seems to be a lot of "I know exactly how you feel" if that counts. Equated my pre-natal depression to the stress of her promotion the other week, though that was more out of trying to empathise I guess.

I acknowledge that baby showers are not that important but my mum thought it might be nice, she lived for a long time in the USA where baby showers are the norm but we wanted to make it more 'British' by not being so presumptuous about gifts and so on.

It has been raised before by our close group of friends that she doesn't make very much effort with us but complains about not being included, there'd have been hell to pay if she wasn't invited. It's like she wants us as a safety net.