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To think fertility is a completely unfair lottery

(119 Posts)
Dancingthroughthefire Thu 04-Apr-13 22:19:31

There's philpott breeding left right and centre and being the most horrific parent.

And then there's us, struggling to conceive. Been told dh is basically infertile and we will likely never conceive naturally.

Where is the justice? I know it is just luck and it shouldn't make me so angry but it's so unfair.

NikkiLaLa Thu 04-Apr-13 23:25:16

YANBU I have one child who took 3 years to conceive and we have now been trying for a second for 4.5 years, it's incredibly unfair and it makes me feel sick when you see scumbags like them popping out children all over the place.

PariahHairy Thu 04-Apr-13 23:28:35

Unfortunately fertility is not a reward for being a good person, it's just life, biology. Hating people who can conceive though is utterly pointless and will make you bitter, they haven't appropriated the baby you were meant to have.

It's why I hate that "What's for you won't pass you by" quote, erm that is patently fucking bollocks isn't it really. Oooh that person was raped and murdered, that was obviously "for" them, it certainly didn't pass them by hmm.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Thu 04-Apr-13 23:29:41

Yes, unfair, so many things in life are.

hopefulgum Thu 04-Apr-13 23:36:16

Yep, it really is unfair. If only loving, deserving people could have children the world would be better place. Sadly it just doesn't work like that. I am sorry you are having difficulties. I hope you can have a baby of your own. Infertility is just sooo hard.

sydlexic Fri 05-Apr-13 00:13:28

Being pregnant when you have no desire to be or not being when it's everything you want causes much misery. That is life sadly.

Lilipaddle Fri 05-Apr-13 00:24:41

I always think this. My DD wasn't planned, I was on the pill and hadn't missed any but ended up pregnant, and yet I know a woman who has been struggling to conceive for 2 years. It seems so unfair that it's not equal for everyone.

I did read a story a while back about a fertility doctor advising to go "back to basics" and just have very quick, not pre-planned sex. Apparently he thought the stress of "trying" actually inhibited some of the hormones so on. Though you probably have heard all that already.

Wishing you the best of luck completing your family.

99problems Fri 05-Apr-13 00:32:08

sydlexic so true.

I cannot believe how my life experiences have been so entirely contradictory... Pregnant at 18 to a boy who basically ran off (we'd been together 18 months). I was devastated, petrified, did not want a baby but couldn't go ahead with an abortion - despite having that pill in my hand that would induce one. Followed by anxiety attacks for 9 months and wanting to die.

Fast forward, I adore my ds, and am with a dp who we found out cannot have children - zero sperm count. Zero. Again, devastated. Will never ever forget dp calling me with the results - I had heard of low sperm counts but literally no sperm?? Didn't imagine it in my worst nightmares.

Such is life.

icklemssunshine1 Fri 05-Apr-13 04:25:42

So true & so sad. To get to the gynae ward for my ERPC after my MC I had to go into maternity. Here I was greeted by a very young girl with a very swollen belly (obviously in labour sitting on a chair) & smoking. Life is unfair/everything happens for a reason ... doesn't make it easier. I wish you all the best OP.

GoshAnneGorilla Fri 05-Apr-13 04:44:33

Having previously worked on a neonatal unit, I can conclude that fertility is very unfair indeed.

Top tip: a serious drug habit and some prostitution appears to do wonders for the fertility of many women. Awful all round, I know.

OrangeFootedScrubfowl Fri 05-Apr-13 05:01:51

Nothing in life is 'fair', right from the start.
The parents you get - are they nice, the country you are born into, your health...

Like Morloth said - shit happens.

You'll feel worse if you become bitter focusing on what others have. Good luck with your plans. thanks

BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound Fri 05-Apr-13 08:34:24

My friend just had her third baby,anyone looking in would never know the heartache and loss that they went through to have those three. Life isn't fair.

crashdoll Fri 05-Apr-13 08:49:36

Life is very unfair. sad It's a lottery of luck and nothing to do if you are a 'good' or 'bad' person. As someone said, fertility is just biology - morality doesn't come into it.

thanks for you.

StickEmUpPunk Fri 05-Apr-13 09:28:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crawling Fri 05-Apr-13 09:36:55

Life isnt fair I may have caught for my 3 in the first month but I didnt want to develop a major mental illness in my teens. hHave two dc with sn one severe. We all have shit thrown at us from life. Even those who appear lucky.

Eskino Fri 05-Apr-13 09:40:15

Life isn't "fair" or "unfair". It just "is".

Cherriesarelovely Fri 05-Apr-13 09:49:47

yanbu at all. I spent yesterday comforting a sobbing, desperate, lovely friend whose latest round of ivf has failed. She is absolutely grief stricken. One of the things about fertility that is particularly hard is that there's no guaruntee no matter how hard you work at it or how much time you spend trying.

HoHoHoNoYouDont Fri 05-Apr-13 10:22:19


I also feel the same way when I hear the occasionally of someone who has used abortion as contraception.

TroublesomeEx Fri 05-Apr-13 11:35:32


Latara Fri 05-Apr-13 11:43:57

YANBU it isn't fair at all.

One of my friends has been TTC for 2 years and it's very hard.

Another friend is having an early Menopause at just 37.

I could TTC except i have no partner... sometimes i'm tempted to just go for it in case i'm leaving it too late though.

EuroShaggleton Fri 05-Apr-13 12:20:48

YANBU. There's nothing fair about it. Biology is cruel. A couple of weeks ago, I stood in pain on the tube as I miscarried my long-awaited IVF baby, whilst being squashed by a pregnant women who spent the whole journey crying down the phone to a friend about what a tvvat her partner is. Mr Euro is a wonderful supportive husband and would be a wonderful dad, and yet it is the useless tvvat who was being discussed in that conversation that will get that gift. And no doubt wholly fail to appreciate what he has.

ChairOfTheBored Fri 05-Apr-13 14:35:44

Euro flowers

I'm so sorry. It is just so very shit isn't it.

FormerlyKnownAsPrincessChick Fri 05-Apr-13 14:45:05

YANBU. It isn't fair. It's fecking rubbish. I'm sorry you're going through it. It took us 3.5 years, 2 MCs, 1 CP and endless sleepless nights weeping into a pillow but I'm nearly there at 31 weeks now. Still stare in amazement at my big belly. It can happen. I hope it happens for you even against the odds. That goes for everyone out there desperate to have their baby. thanks

WMittens Fri 05-Apr-13 14:58:31

Expat said it.

I hope things do go your way, OP.

SmellieWellies Fri 05-Apr-13 15:30:26

YANBU. it really isn't fair.

thanks to everyone ttc.

CarpeVinum Fri 05-Apr-13 15:31:23

Its one of those things where you have to wonder why.

There is no why. It just is.

It's like a millionaire winning the lottery. Random number based draws result in random winners, who are not selected based on any criteria other than pure chance.

In almost every life there will be some rain before it is over. A tragic death, infertitlity, abaondonment, the onset of mental illness, awful diseases; conditions;illnesses;accidents changing lives dramtically, finantial issues so grave people feel crushed beneath them for their adult lifetime..and so on and so on and so on.

Very few people get an almost charmed life where nothing goes horribly wrong, there is no loss, grinding disappointment or being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The rain can feel like a case of quasi deliberate water torture. Making an umbrella to help yourself cope and move forward with any solutions to hand is better rather than railing at the sky yelling "why me and not that ratbag"?

But we are human, so some shouting at the sky while pointing out another "undeserving" person who seemingly (and most unfairly) being better off is a pretty normal part of the process.

OP I'm really sorry you got this news. I hope at the very least you find a way to have the family you want via some other route.

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