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Online dating - 'No brats in tow please' from a mid-40s male. Seriously??

(179 Posts)
Mendi Thu 04-Apr-13 20:02:53

The following from the page of a slightly pudgy, looks 45-years old plus loser '42 year old' 'commodities trader':

'I'm looking for fun/ friendship/relationship, but am looking for an independent woman who can do 50:50, especially financially. No freeloaders please. No 'worn the t-shirt' types (but who've still failed to learn from mistakes & blame everyone else, but themselves). No 'free dinner/drink ticket' types. No 'baggage/brats in tow' types (do you really think a man wants someone else's mistakes or left overs to bother with? Get a reality check, pleaze). And no 'cheap easy trashy commodity' types. I could go on, and lament sometimes. Just someone who is honest and down to earth, but has moderate style, finesse and poise (plus can pay her own way in life, or did I already say that. Lol). Simple basics can go a long way. '

I have only dipped my toe in the water of OD and already realised it;s not for me. All blokes who expect your knickers to drop off at the mere prospect of hooking up with him, or like this guy, sort of 'don't bother me if you have ANY baggage at all' even though at my age I must surely reasonably expect that any woman of appropriate age will have at least a failed relationship or a kid or two.

'No baggage/brats in tow types (do you really think a man wants someone else's mistakes or left overs to bother with?...'

What a charmer.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 06-Apr-13 18:18:57

I don't know really velvet-I wouldn't want you to think I am beating them off with a shitty stick-far from it!
I think, though, that I grew up being kind of "alternative" and the other kids I met were often from very wc backgrounds, but were square,pegs,misfits in the town we lived in, so I always knew a lot of people from very bog standard roots, but who were interested in books, and music etc.
I guess I have just kept meeting them as an adult.
Having said that, they tend to be from the kind of background where Dad is a machine fitter or whatever, but they have white collar jobs, but still that sense of having a foot in both camps, like you do.
I think Guardian Soulmates is the best site for these types actually.

VelvetSpoon Sat 06-Apr-13 17:39:03

WallyBanters funnily enough one of my Exs (the best one!) was in the police, he was the only man I know who understood what my job involved and was interested in hearing about it. Shame most policeman are serial shaggers!

I am currently 'dating' someone who does web design and stuff, he is rather lovely though it's VERY early days yet smile but he is clever enough and also (as he is good at mechanical things and buys and sells antiques) is practical and interesting enough makes a refreshing change smile

babybarrister Sat 06-Apr-13 17:36:05

I did not meet DH online although both of us had been on the same website but at different points in time!

DH was a set up though via a colleague .....

There is hope out there I promise!!! [I was divorced!!]

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 06-Apr-13 17:11:11

Velvet have you thought about going on

A senior person in the forces or the Police force can be the right mix of brains and brawn IYSWIM?

Even if the idiots on the ARRSE website have given the forces a bad name there are a lot of nice guys on there in senior ranks?

Unlike most of my peers I found city traders a complete wimpy turnoff. Probably for the same reasons as you.

IT geeks are quite my thing too though. My DH is an ex Army IT geek and I never had any issues with that.

VelvetSpoon Sat 06-Apr-13 16:23:02

IfNotNow I completely agree that working class doesn't necessarily mean uneducated (or unintelligent) but where do you find well read working class men? I haven't met any men in years who even own books, let alone reads any. Most of them haven't read anything other than the Sun/Daily Mail since school...

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 06-Apr-13 16:16:53

I tend to go out with very working class men too, don't know why, but they are always very well read, and spend a lot of time sighing over my poor spelling!
Working class, as you know, does not mean un educated.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 15:55:13

I agree with TBJ

Whilst it is sad that such negative angry people like him exist, we can at least avoid him

VelvetSpoon Sat 06-Apr-13 15:29:26

WallyBantersJunkBox I relate to that completely! I was never quite good enough for any of the guys at uni, and everyone I've dated/had relationships with has been in the construction trade (builders, plumbers, electricians, roofers, scaffolders, groundworkers, etc) or worked with cars. None that intelligent and yes, probably all below my weight. I am conscious of dumbing myself down a LOT.

The added complication for me I think is that I idolised my dad (who was a Russian literature reading car mechanic, and who died when I was 25) and have issues with men who don't do 'practical' jobs - though I am trying to overcome that...!

TheBigJessie Sat 06-Apr-13 14:25:16

Sorry I dont think the word honesty covers such a revolting set of criteria for a date. The bloke sounds like an utter turd

Precisely! He is an utter turd, and now we all know! That's why it's so great. If I was a single woman with no children, I might contact "no kids preferred" men, but I would never ever, in a million years contact "do you really think a man wants someone else's mistakes or left overs to bother with? Get a reality check, pleaze)" man. D'you see?

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 06-Apr-13 12:28:56

Velvetspoon you sound like me. I came from a council house background, my DB and I were the first in the family to ever go to Uni.

I went to a particularly "Horse and Hound" type Uni. I met a guy and got engaged and he constantly reminded me of how much richer he was than me (his family had a thatched 5 bed cottage, my parents bought a 3 bed semi new build by then) and I felt out of it because I never had the free cash to join in a lot of the activities so out of pride I kind of pretended I wasn't interested, and wanted to stay on the outskirts. I broke up with him as I felt like I dated him to make my parents happy, and he made me feel so under confidant. His family looked down on me too.

So whereas my friends all hooked up in Uni with their life partners I found myself single.

I've never really been able to find that match for me, a working class boy done good, with enough intelligence to know how to act in different situations but with roots and sense of humour in reality IYSWIM. I've always put myself down and punched below my weight because there's more chance of. Statistical success.

Mendi Sat 06-Apr-13 11:44:27

Did you meet your DH online, babybarrister? If so, were you upfront about your career?

Genuinely interested in this thing about men preferring air hostesses to lawyers (or any other 'high-powered' career). I would have thought men - particularly the ones worried about 'freeloaders' - would find successful career with good earning power an attractive point in a woman. But it seems they find it intimidating.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't?

babybarrister Sat 06-Apr-13 00:08:30

I am a divorce lawyer but that did not put off DH gringrin
Honestly there ate good men out there smile

YouTheCat Fri 05-Apr-13 23:13:35

Do you know what? Online, at evening classes, whatever but find someone to be friends with first.

I met my dp online 4 years ago. We had a common interest, got on well, had a giggle and then 3 years ago we got together. Couldn't be happier but it was so much easier being friends already as we had plenty to talk about.

When we finally met up, it was about seeing if there was that spark as well and there was. If there hadn't been, we'd still be friends.

IfNotNowThenWhen Fri 05-Apr-13 21:49:13

I kind of wish that every guy I have ever dated from online had had a profile that said something like:
" I like to go out with single mums 5-10 years older than me, because they are very self sufficient and good in bed , but actually, I am a bit of a man child who can't really cope with any kid of responsibility, and I spend all my money on Netflix and beer/pot/drums so won't be able to take you to a nice restaurant, ever.
Oh, and I have just moved back in with my parents, because I am, like, between flats. I get on with them great though. I will move out soon. Or , like, at some point. And, by the way, I am still hung up on my ex girlfriend, so, you know, when she decides she wants me back (and she is 23, so might actually be that naive) I am off like a dirty shirt.
Would have saved me some time.

VelvetSpoon Fri 05-Apr-13 21:33:42

Oh god that meal ticket thing riles me! I don't know one single woman however much or little she earns who is looking for a man to 'keep' her, far better earn your own money (my dad taught me that one!) yet most men seem convinced that's what we's so silly!

I never had anyone interested in me for my entire 3 years at uni (was far too common and chavvy for all the public school types!) so I might give any reunion a miss...besides from what I have seen on FB, most of the blokes have aged really badly so I don't feel I'm losing out grin

SanctiMOMious Fri 05-Apr-13 21:23:40

can you go to loads of college reunions, or organise one? at least they'll think it's no big deal to have been to cambridge!

SanctiMOMious Fri 05-Apr-13 21:22:06

I know what you mean, it's an inequality from the getgo which is less than ideal. you lie, you tell the truth, you can't win!

if it's any consolation, I don't have a degree, I do part time admin and i am hoping hoping to buy a tiny house later in the year.

But I often find that men who have been similarly unsuccessful in a professional way are a bit thick!!!! I shouldn't intimidate men, nothing about me is intimidating. But yet.... roll up roll up, I said ROLL UP ROLL UP ok, nobody out there grin

SO, qualified, unqualified, earning a lot, earning a little.... confused some men might look at me and think well, she's looking for a meal ticket (because i earn so little) but I am a master at cloth cutting and I don't need a ticket.

lemonmuffin Fri 05-Apr-13 21:02:26

His language leaves a lot to be desired, but isn't he just being honest?

I wouldn't consider someone who has young children living with them as long-term partner material. I have my own child. I don't want to bring up someone else's.

Just as I wouldnt be too keen on someone who was overweight, middle-aged, bald etc either.

VelvetSpoon Fri 05-Apr-13 20:49:54

Sanctimomious honestly I couldn't care less what men earn or what they do for a living, I grew up in a council house and money really isn't a big deal to me smile Apart from once in my 20s (I'm 40 now) every man I've been involved with has earned less than me. That almost always bothers the men, either from the outset or if not then over time.

I don't really talk about what I earn, but once men know what I do, that gives them a fair idea. Plus I have a fair sized house and again that intimidates most men I've dated in recent years (who are either living with parents/in small rented flats post-divorce).

I have lied about my job in the past, but it makes me feel sad doing that, I'm really proud of what I achieved. I already hide the fact I have a degree from Cambridge from most people (and have never told any of my dates in the last 3 years) because of the (adverse) reaction I get about it hmm

SanctiMOMious Fri 05-Apr-13 20:37:59

or would that compromise your integrity? i'm not taking the piss there. you shouldn't have to pretend to be worth less.

SanctiMOMious Fri 05-Apr-13 20:35:26

is it the salary or the brains that scare off potential suitors? obviously it's pointless to lie. But maybe it might be worth saying you work part time, or say with a self-deprecating smile, that you don't earn as much as people might think... or, admit to a good salary but say you have debts. I am grasping at straws here. You don't want to scare away intelligent men, but it is possible that intelligent decent men could be a little intimidated by intelligent women. Obviously imo women are often far more intelligent than their fathers/partners/bosses give them credit for, butyou have the proof that you're no slouch.

SanctiMOMious Fri 05-Apr-13 20:29:48

Velvetspoon, would the being worse off than you financially really bother you.. if he worked for a charity for example. I know a lovely man (married) who works as a carer. He has a lot of interesting hobbies, but his basic job is being a carer. A nicer man you couldn't meet.

The brains thing, that wouldn't work.

handcream Fri 05-Apr-13 20:24:19

You the know the washing powder question. Well, it could have been a chat up line of some sort. After all after your early 20's where DO you meet men....

handcream Fri 05-Apr-13 20:19:56

I am going to get flamed here and I am a full time working Mum in a well paid role.

I think men generally want to feel that they are in charge (at least at first!). My DH said that when he first met me all I talked about was work! I didnt think I did!

And for all those lawyers - do what Miranda did and pretend to be a air hostess!

Anyway he said he knew that there was someone else lurking in there so it worked out in the end!

SanctiMOMious Fri 05-Apr-13 20:18:37

look, if any of you have met any lovely men who were perfect but too small, send them to me. handcream, i guess i don't know how men get away with it, dating younger women. it's not because we women prefer old men. all things being equal i mean. you meet a man who is attractive, good humoured, good company, decent......... but 10 years older than you, or 15. tell me, hand on heart that you wouldn't all prefer he was much closer to your own age. this dating older men bullshit ripples outwards.

I am begining to think i have to flirt more in rl. i'm no beauty but men are 'nice' to me in rl, a few open doors and smile for no reason, so reading this horror stories I think I need to flirt more and be less shy. Ask out men in coffee shops confused That kind of thing. I remember once a man asked me about washing powder in tesco and I thought sexist fuckwit and I replied I don't know, i outsource my laundry. Maybe he was single. At least he didn't ask me about toilet rolls. I outsource that too :-p

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