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hideous PIL situation... advice please!

(108 Posts)
Sillybillypoopoomummy Thu 04-Apr-13 12:52:30

posting here so it will disappear...

DH and I have been married 10 years - love him to bits and we are very happy. We have 2 DC under 4. I always thought that his parents were alright. They are very blunt and seem to think they can say things other people can't, but I always took the view that they didn't do it maliciously and tried very hard not to get upset etc etc. I can see that sometimes I was a bit defensive because she is so incredibly rude but did try not to be. I have also had bad PND since DC2 which she didn't know about because she is a gossip and it is none of her business. Last year she was visiting the DC and announced over supper one evening that "she and FIL had watched me for a few years now and although they thought I was alright at the beginning, they have now decided that they don't like me".

The fallout, needless to say has been immense. She got to the point of ringing up my mother to complain about my upbringing and had told everyone that DH agrees with everything she said, despite DH bursting into tears over her complete inability to listen to anything he said. She now accepts she was wrong (--although FIL doesn't and just ignores me--) and has apologised and now clearly thinks that it is all over and we can just go back to normal and carry on. I am finding that very hard. I can't stand to be around them as I just feel they are judging me again, and don't wish to see them. I keep trying to be the bigger person here and just carry on and then just freeze when they arrive. The whole thing has been just excellent for the depression too sad. What do I do, should I be the bigger person?

wrongsideoftheroad Thu 04-Apr-13 12:54:12

God no!

You poor thing!

I would cut ties completely and leave DH to see them without me.

What does DH say?

wrongsideoftheroad Thu 04-Apr-13 12:54:50

She rang your mother to complain about your upbringing??? shock shock

You do NOT need to put up with this - your DH's parents or not.

Chelvis Thu 04-Apr-13 12:55:06

I would have nothing to do with her ever again ... but I know that's not as easily done as said, especially because of your DH's feelings. What does he want?

SavoyCabbage Thu 04-Apr-13 12:56:02

God, that's horrible. What did your dh say? I wouldn't want to see her anymore.

greenfolder Thu 04-Apr-13 12:56:07

had this with a sil- so not quite the same.

told dh that he was more than welcome to keep seeing her/them and take the kids but i would not ever invite them to my home nor go to theirs.

worked for me- endured the odd wedding/funeral but have not seen them other than that in 16 years.

if i had a mil like that, that is what i would do.

JassyRadlett Thu 04-Apr-13 12:56:10

She announced, over a meal, that they'd thought long and hard about it and decided they didn't like you?

I am the least confrontational of people and am not usually a 'cut them out of your life' person, but honestly, why even bother with them any more? If she's that sort of bullying person - ringing your mother to criticise her parenting and gossipping to everyone - do you really want your MIL in your DCs' lives at all?

What does your DH say and do about this? What has he done since they dropped their super special bombshell?

LaurieFairyCake Thu 04-Apr-13 12:56:12

Cut ties completely

You have done nothing wrong and now you need to protect yourself from them. You deserve to protect yourself.

jennywren45 Thu 04-Apr-13 12:56:29

I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you what I would ( and did) do.
I cut all contact completely and all contact with my children. My husband also chose to do so but that was his choice.

Good luck, they sound vile, damaging and toxic.

BehindLockNumberNine Thu 04-Apr-13 12:57:15

I would say she / they have burnt all bridges and I would walk away, head held high (and bloody relieved at having them out of my life)

I would also not want them to see the dc as I would not want my children around such people.

But, this may be hard on your dh. What does he want to do?

greenfolder Thu 04-Apr-13 12:57:30

and i think that actually it is absolutely to not forgive and forget, i tried that and it didnt work- fwiw i which i had just cut them off earlier.

Sillybillypoopoomummy Thu 04-Apr-13 12:58:40

DH just wants everything to be peaceful confused. He would obviously prefer things to be all lovely and fluffy, but doesn't argue when I refuse to visit them. I think he understands that I am so upset (and so is he to be fair, and has been totally on my side the whole time bless him) but I do think he would rather I could just forget about it? He is very good at compartmentalising and I am not sad.

badguider Thu 04-Apr-13 12:59:14

I would never see somebody who said that to/about me again. Never.

Let your Dh take the children a reasonable number of times but enjoy a few days to yourself when they do.

I wouldn't shout or argue or complain. Just quietly never see them again.

ivanapoo Thu 04-Apr-13 12:59:23

She sounds dreadful. Poor you and your DH. YANBU to tell them to stick it, I'd never want to see them again.

ginslinger Thu 04-Apr-13 12:59:57

I have never heard anything so outrageous. Where does your DH stand on all this now? If he visits them with the DC will he ensure that they're not exposed to them saying nasty things about you?

Pagwatch Thu 04-Apr-13 13:00:11

This sort of happened to us. We just stopped seeing them in the end. It's impossible really to have a relationship where one party thinks it is ok to be hideously rude and hostile.
The thing was it spread to how they treated the children too so it became quite an easy thing in the end.

wrongsideoftheroad Thu 04-Apr-13 13:00:13

No, you shouldn't have to pretend it never happened.

It's unforgivable. You don't owe them anything. If DH wants to still see them that's his perrogative but you absolutely do not need to spend any time with them.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Thu 04-Apr-13 13:00:45

I would cut them out. If your dh wants to see them with the kids, he can take them. Despicable people.

wrongsideoftheroad Thu 04-Apr-13 13:01:39

I have a SIL like greenfolder's too. It's been 6 years since we had anything to do with them and life is so much better for it.

They treat PIL like absolute shit, and I just think 'there for the grace of god' (that's if I ever bother to give them a passing thought at all).

Sillybillypoopoomummy Thu 04-Apr-13 13:02:19

Jassy yes. Just like that.
And then came back to expand and confirm what they had said (and sent a few nasty letters too) just in case we hadn't got it the first time.

The problem is that the DC do love them and I don't want to destroy that relationship for the DC's perspective, but I never want to see them again.

mermaid101 Thu 04-Apr-13 13:02:50

Oh My! I think my PIL think this about me, but cannot imagine it being said out loud.

I get what you are saying about feeling judged when you are with them. This is what I do:

When we see them, I tell my DH that i want him to deal with DD. He has to do all nappy changing, playing, holding her etc. This is to avoid me doing anything which could be picked up on. I also don't say anything apart from "Hello" and "Goodbye" and "yes, please" on the odd occasion I am offered a cup of tea. As they never ask me anything about myself, it works quite well. At Christmas, we were in their company long enough for convention to dictate they had to make some attempt at conversation with me, I replied as briefly and blandly as I could. It doesn't make for a particularly relaxed atmosphere, but it does mean they have nothing to criticize me for. I try not to see them very much.

Emilythornesbff Thu 04-Apr-13 13:03:55

shock was she drunk?

I can't see that it makes sense to keep contact wt them tbh.

Rude and odd!

WildeRumpus Thu 04-Apr-13 13:07:32

You can't have a relationship with them! They have been horrid to you sad

Your dh will have dealt with his mum all his life so won't be able to see the wood for the trees with this. Am sure his instinct will be to avoid confrontation with his (scary and controlling) mother.

I have serious doubts about whether she is able to be nice about you behind your back to your kids too.

Please put your family first and don't worry about what they want. Hope your dh backs you up but know from experience this will have really thrown him and he would probably just want it all to blow over asap. You can stand firm tho.

Good luck!

Wossname Thu 04-Apr-13 13:08:09

I absolutely would not expose my children to in-laws like this.

Emilythornesbff Thu 04-Apr-13 13:08:17

If it were me I would probably try and fail spectacularly to make things "right" (--make them like me--) grin

If it were up to my DH he would cut ties with them and explain to them clearly why.

Take your pick (he's the confident one who doesn't get fucked about)

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