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Iam being mean or is my sick mum?

(20 Posts)
whatthehell27 Wed 03-Apr-13 22:07:36

My mum is sick - I won't go into all the detail - but live in a nursing home, her condition is not terminal. She is 72.

I am 40, I have 3 kids. I am married to a good husband, and work 3 days week.

I am run ragged I feel. I look after my sick dad, I have all the normal demands of anyone with a house, job and kids and yet my mum expects me to give her, I feel, expect too much of my time.

I appreciate she does not see of much of me as he wants. She me at least twice week. But she expects me to

ZZZenagain Wed 03-Apr-13 22:09:05

what does your mother want you to do?

HollyBerryBush Wed 03-Apr-13 22:10:40

The joys of being old and lonely.

Do you have any siblings/cousins/her neighbours who can share visiting time with you?

Bridgetbidet Wed 03-Apr-13 22:13:05

If not family or friends etc I think you can contact people like churches, the WI or the WRVS and speak to them about getting people to befriend and help in situations like this by visiting.

whatthehell27 Wed 03-Apr-13 22:14:20

Take her to ALL appointments and on shopping trips even though the nursing home will take her to appointments
Anyway I have had a big row with her today as she has numerous dental appointments at 3pm. She asked for the appointment late in the day as she does no like to get up too early. I have said that 3pm is right on the school run and she has said I can't even give her an hour of her time. I have no idea what she expects me to do with the kids. all I can assume is that she wants do to take the various afternoons of work. Have told her I will take her to appointments but can't at that time.

I have stormed out (I am not proud of this) like a teenage when she said I was being unreasonable not giving her one hour of my time. I am still shaking over it. I am I being unreasonable or is she?

GeoffVader Wed 03-Apr-13 22:16:42

YANBU she is

Lifesagame Wed 03-Apr-13 22:18:16

I can't answer I'm afraid but can give huge sympathy as I'm in a similar situation with my mum and her expectations. It's very hard and the more I try and work out who's being difficult the more I really don't know! Watching with interest.

ZZZenagain Wed 03-Apr-13 22:18:26

you are giving her an hour of your time (as she put it) just at a time when it is possible for you. Your mother is being a bit unhelpful expecting you to accompany her to an appointment at the time when you need to do the school run. Give her two other options and tell her you can do either of those.

Does sound stressful.

floweryblue Wed 03-Apr-13 22:19:37

Hi what, you are not alone, my experiences (and my Mum and Sis) with my Nana and my colleague's experiences with her mother (and her DB, DD, DS, friends, the rest of the world) suggest you are the only one whose constant attention counts?

Even if you have more than enough on your plate already?

HollyBerryBush Wed 03-Apr-13 22:19:58

Take a step back.

Why cant the care assistants take her to appointments? Thats what they are paid for.

I can see why she wants you to take her - so make the call and change her appointments.

You know, there are 168 hours in a week, it can all be juggled - to suit you if you are accompanying her.

DowntonTrout Wed 03-Apr-13 22:25:07

She is being unreasonable.

My mum is living in a home and I feel such guilt every day. Whatever I do is not enough, but it is still more than my DSis does and much more than my DBro, who is the golden child, although he has only visited her twice.

I feel I am stretched too thin, everyone depending on me for something, everyone expecting me to deal with everything. It's a horrible situation to be in.

whatthehell27 Wed 03-Apr-13 22:26:52

To be honest she does get a fair few visitors. I'd say at last 5 visits a week, which includes me, so 3 others. But she seems to just want me.

I,ll describe a situation as an example. he had. Hospital appointment the other week. It was. Friday at 9. She did not want to get p that early so charged it to 11. I had no one to look after the youngest, and from previous experience know clinics an run late so asked dh to take a days annual leave to mind youngest. He did this.
W arrived at appointment and were told due to emergency clinic was running 2 hours late. I had already said to mum I had an hair Appointment at 2.30 Any way at 2 she still had not been seen (not he fault I realise) So I said I'd ask dh to come and sit with he till see and take her home. She sulked. Despite knowing I was going always for a special weekend and appoinment had been booked well before. The sulk was so bad I could not leave.

twentyten Wed 03-Apr-13 22:29:31

Ynabu. It's so tough. Talk to the home and see what they can do. You can't do it all. Can you make the appointments? Work out what you can give. You must look after yourself. Others can help. Good luck.

whatthehell27 Wed 03-Apr-13 22:30:47

Excuse my awful spelling and grammar - on my daughter iPad, and not as easy as it looks!

travailtotravel Wed 03-Apr-13 22:32:49

I think she is BU. I can understand she wants your time but you should not feel guilty for putting your family first. I expect its what she taught you to do through her own good example of putting you first.

whatthehell27 Wed 03-Apr-13 22:36:42

Well these latest dental appointments all at 3ish, I said I ll call and see if I can change them and she went mad. I am always putting other people before her.

Mean I was there when she told the clerk she wanted them as late as pos. but at the time I said nothing much as needed to drop mum off and get back to pick up kids.

whokilleddannylatimer Wed 03-Apr-13 22:38:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poppypebble Wed 03-Apr-13 22:43:47

You have to do what you can and no more. You made a choice to have a family of your own and they need you too. This is why I made a choice not to have a family of my own, so that I can provide the care my mother needs. It is not the right choice for everyone, and you can only do what you feel able to. The rest you need to ensure is done by someone else, but that is as much as you can do.

villagebird Wed 03-Apr-13 22:47:39

You have my sympathy. Old people can be right bastards.

Kat101 Wed 03-Apr-13 22:48:27

Older people often lose their ability to reason and be rational. They become insular and it portrays to the world as selfishness and unreasonable. I agree with the above poster that you just have to balance everyone's needs - so your mother gets her share of your time, help and company, but no amount of sulking will extend that. Good firm boundaries and learning not to feel guilty about them (easier said than done I know)

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