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Dh has gambled the last quarter of my last paycheck

(63 Posts)
reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 11:17:14

I do have the right to be upset about this, yes?

Have gone through our recent bank records and found 25% of my last pay was withdrawn by dh for gambling.

I am so upset as this was money was my final payslip and I am now a sahm while I look for another job.

Dh says he didn't think to mention it as he has started a new full time job which pays a lot more than mine (he had been working part time and also partime sahd).

I think that this shows he does not value my salary and my work sad I wanted the last of my pay check to go into savings, now it feels like I shouldn't have bothered working and earning that money if he is going to just waste it so easily!

This is not in his nature at all. We have always discussed whether we can afford him gambling and he never does it more that twice a year and now he has broken this agreement, I don't know why this has changed now and I am so upset.

differentnameforthis Fri 05-Apr-13 03:32:47

Because if he really had an addiction, he wouldn't walk out of the bookies with several hundred pounds left for later, he would stay there till every penny was gone

I thought that too, having some left over is odd behaviour. But then again, I am hmm at him withdrawing 380. Dunno why, but it doesn't sit right...why not a round 400? Makes me wonder if he had debts to pay off rather than intending to gamble it. It is just a very specific amount, I guess.

travailtotravel Thu 04-Apr-13 08:12:29

oh, and I wouldn't necessarily lock hte cash into an account for DC's - you may need access to it.

travailtotravel Thu 04-Apr-13 08:11:58

a little worried that you're moving - are you moving to a better area for you?

reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 23:52:57

I am financially dependent on him as I lost my job.

We are in the process of moving and I can't really start looking for work seriously until we have settled.

My only 'income" now is my dad gifts me lump sums of money, I will be holding on to these myself from now on.

I know that money once in an account just becomes a whole amount and it is a bit irrational to separate it, but I liked to think that my contributions were valued.

TheCraicDealer Wed 03-Apr-13 23:41:29

Just remembered about a customer I used to serve when I got my first cashiering job. This man used to come in every day, regular as clockwork, to withdraw a crisp five pound note. There was a marker on his account so we couldn't process a withdrawal for more than that amount. When I asked the more senior teller what that was all about, she told me that he was a gambling addict. So bad that his family were able to be made power or attorney or something to get these restrictions added so he couldn't go mad with money he was supposed to be using to feed himself.

NorthernLurker Wed 03-Apr-13 23:27:01

There's nothing irrational about wanting to keep the cash away from a gambler. Gamblers ruin lives - their own and other peoples. OP - in your shoes I would be horrified at the taking of the money when he KNOWS it should have been mutually agreed, as in the past, and I would be furious that he lost part but was keeping quiet about the rest.

HollaAtMeBaby Wed 03-Apr-13 23:20:55

Is it possible that he has justified this gambling episode to himself by the fact that it is the last month of 2 incomes until you get a job? Obviously that would be unreasonable of him but he is not necessarily going to gamble all your worldly goods away now that you are down to one income... hope you aren't jobless for too long though!

AnyFucker Wed 03-Apr-13 23:16:41

Christ, I must be the most unreasonable person in the world then, because I would take all the money out of the joint accounts and put it all in my name

and if this stupid man had any hope of staying with me, he wouldn't make a peep about it

HollaAtMeBaby Wed 03-Apr-13 23:14:33

You're not being unreasonable about the gambling... but you are being a bit irrational about wanting YOUR money to go into the savings account account. As you have a joint account, both your salaries end up in the same place and once its's in, it's just numbers on a screen! There's no need to get emotional about him not valuing your work. If you wanted an additional £380 to go into the savings account the month you finished work, and that's still possible, then you're getting what you wanted. So YABU in being upset about that.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Apr-13 23:13:23

Why are you financially dependent on him, love ?

reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 23:11:54

Yes and now I am financially dependent in him! Please god may I find a job soon.

Fortunately he should be okay with these changes. I have told him he has a gambling problem and have him links to some info about the psychology of gambling addiction. So I will tell him he has to go cold turkey and we need to cut off temptation. He can't gamble with his own personal money anymore either I have already said.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Apr-13 23:11:34

That's a lie by omission

And he stole the money in the first place

I would consider it stealing when he takes family money that hasn't been agreed on to do such an utterly selfish thing

Inertia Wed 03-Apr-13 23:10:37

Both the gambling and the lack of respect are huge problems. You have every right to be upset, and it's very sensible of you to insist on a tight rein on family finances.

It might be wise to open an ISA and put the money from your dad straight into that .

rhondajean Wed 03-Apr-13 23:09:55

He didn't lie as such though- just didn't mention it and he didn't try to cover his tracks.

I think nomnom has nailed the whole thing.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Apr-13 23:07:03

He didn't tell you about the money he still had in his wallet straight away though, did he ?

He was stockpiling it for another gambling session

I am not sure what has come first here...the gambling addiction causing him to lose sight of what is right and wrong or a horribly entitled attitude in the first place

Whatever. I would not live with it, and neither should you. You seem intent on doing so, though sad

NomNomDePlum Wed 03-Apr-13 23:03:46

i don't know if your dp has a gambling problem, but i do think that taking a quarter of your paycheck for nothing important without discussing it with you is out of order. i would be wary of being financially dependent on someone who would behave like this.

AThingInYourLife Wed 03-Apr-13 23:02:08

No, I mentioned the problem of his new found lack of respect for your financial position.

It's very telling.

"Because if he really had an addiction, he wouldn't walk out of the bookies with several hundred pounds left for later, he would stay there till every penny was gone."

Not necessarily. It sounds like his problem is still in the early stages.

But he's lying and stashing money for gambling. He has a problem.

rhondajean Wed 03-Apr-13 22:59:25

It honestly doesn't sound like an addiction.

However I would still be doing what you suggest up there^^ about money. It sounds like a sensible way forwards to me.

reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 22:58:30

It makes me feel like I shouldn't have bothered working for those last few days as the money didn't count anyway!

reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 22:57:06

rhonda yes! Thank you! This is the main reason why I'm annoyed but previous posters didn't really mention this so I was thinking I was over reacting about that aspect and the gambling was the bigger issue.

Yes I think his attitude is disrespectful and undermining of my wages and my role as an earner for the family. He feels justified that he can take money as he will be able to pay it back (+more) as he earns more than me now angry

villagebird Wed 03-Apr-13 22:53:52

Feel for you reading this. Sounds like a right wanker. My advice to you is get 'your own' bank account just for you. Scrap the 'joint account'. He cant be trusted. Any joint outgoings put in a pot that YOU keep and hide. Wish you all the best.

rhondajean Wed 03-Apr-13 22:50:08

I actually don't think the problem is gambling addiction.

I think the op isn't far wrong in her estimate, he's thought stuff it I can do what I like with it and replace it, I'm working she isn't now, she won't notice/care/be able to get annoyed.

I think the gambling is incidental this time.

Because if he really had an addiction, he wouldn't walk out of the bookies with several hundred pounds left for later, he would stay there till every penny was gone.

So its about respect and power differentials in the relationship IMO.

reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 22:47:05

Ok. I will open a savings account in ds name which only I have access to. The bulk of savings can go in there.

Set some strict ground rules for the joint spendings. Only for family purchases and we will go through the account transactions together to see where the money is going.

Then transfer the same percentage of all income into our personal accounts.

I haven't told him about my dads money as I know he will see that as making up for the money lost. I will put it in ds savings account once I've set it up.

AThingInYourLife Wed 03-Apr-13 22:37:58

Yes, I think having his wage paid into your account is the only way to go if you are married to a gambling addict.

Bollocks to controlling and unequal.

You need to protect your family from the devastation that can be wrought when a gambling addict has "equal" access to family money.

You think taking money without asking and hiding windfalls isn't controlling?

Think again.

Whatever happens you need to sever your financial ties now - it's too risky to have a joint account, it's too risky not to work, it's too risky for any of your assets to be things he can sell or borrow money against without your permission.

You can't trust him.

travailtotravel Wed 03-Apr-13 22:30:16

This would massively destroy my trust to. Time for a change in how you manage money I think.

Three accounts- your account, his account, joint account.
Work out all your family finances - bills, food, holidays, presents etc. Be clear about how much everything costs and how all this money is accounted for.
When that is covered, its put into the joint account either 50/50 or percentage of income
What is left of both incomes goes 2 ways - your account, his account.
If its only him working while you are a SAHM/job hunting its his salary, minus expenses, remainder split 2 ways. If you are the only earner, the same.

You can do what the hell you like with what is in your account. If he so much as touches the money in joint acct for anything other than what it is listed and designated for, he will know he has overstepped the mark and is taking money from your children and really has a problem.

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