AIBU, mercenary or hopelessly romantic...(29 Posts)
...to want to get married
again? And WWYD?
< at the rambling essay>
Long time lurker, occasional poster, not a full-time MNer
Always wanted to be a mum. Met xh after uni and did everything 'properly' - moved in together, got married, had dd. Only after the fog of new parenting had lifted did I realise that we hardly knew each other, had got married for all the wrong reasons and had a relationship full of judgement (his), emotional unsupportiveness (both), emotional affairs (mine), guilt (mine) and insecurity (both). Since separating he has said he was glad I made a decision he wasn't brave enough to make and throughout our divorce and custody proceedings has continued to avoid taking responsibility for any decisions and yet made a fuss about every contact arrangement, I think just to create drama and cause me as much hurt as possible.
male egos, eh? When I 'escaped', I thought I never wanted a relationship again, never mind marriage!
Then, after a typical post-break-up disaster of a relationship, I met dp on a dating site. It wasn't madly passionate but there was plenty of reason to keep seeing each other
and the sex was/is amazing! Within weeks I was unexpectedly pregnant (copper coil 'miracle' baby ) and things have luckily gone from strength to strength He's great with dd, a great dad to ds, brilliantly supportive emotionally, financially and practically and loves me to bits. He'd said early on that he'd always thought he might like to get married one day but has since said that meeting me and seeing the divorce process from close hand has put him right off! He rightly says there are better ways to show commitment and better things to spend money on - so he is buying us a house and taking us on holiday
ridiculously long hours and unsociable shift patterns so I am the main carer for ds. I am self-employed, although currently on 'maternity leave' so I have some independent earning power but not enough while caring for ds and dd (shared with her dad) to cover a mortgage should anything happen to dp. I am named as beneficiary at his work and for his pension but the house will be solely in his name and I will effectively be a SAHM and, at least in the short term, dependent on his salary.
I trust him implicitly to treat me kindly, even if things go tits up between us. He has a track record of continuing to help xgfs financially even after break-ups and he is genuinely considerate and respectful. Also, I've done the whole marriage thing so have no need to waddle down an aisle looking like a meringue
But I love him loads and I really think I'd like to be married to him. Wtf??!?
You would be in a much stronger position if you were married. If his assets are over 325k (iirc) you'll have to pay inheritance tax should anything happen to him. Should you break up without being married you'll be entitled to nothing but child support.
I don't see why the house is going solely in his name though. That doesn't tie in with the selfless, caring man you have described.
I trust him implicitly to treat me kindly, even if things go tits up between us
Another one who is wondering why the house isnt in both your names?
Get your name on the mortgage even if you're not paying it. Make it a joint responsibility/asset would be my advice.
Mortgage Co. will credit check you but don't need to take your salary into consideration.
You can't force him to marry you but you can still take advice on how to protect yourself in the event of a break up. Everyone should have a plan b running in the back of their head just in case the worst happens.
Incidentally, if you're named on the mortgage and named as his beneficiary for 'death in service', at work then you would be able to pay the mortgage should the worst happen.
I would definitely question why the house won't be in both your names.
By providing most of the childcare for your shared child, you are helping him to pay the mortgage on that house. It really should be a shared asset if you are both committed for the long haul. Sounds like he has had a wobble because he has seen how ugly your divorce got, so is protecting himself from that. But you need protection too and he should not let you be in a position where you are not equal within the relationship or fully protected.
As for trusting him to do the right thing by you - read the relationships board and see how many women thought the same thing. Once a relationship is over, you really cannot count on anything, unless it is legally covered.
Thanks so much for reading and for your replies and sensible advice.
The reason the house is in his name only is to avoid penalties incurred by me being on 2 mortgages - I am still on xh's mortgage as solicitors are still deliberating over my interest in it. Also, dp can borrow more if I am not mentioned as a dependent on the mortgage application.
So do I suggest marriage to him as a practical --but unromantic--financial/legal contract or do I get down on bended knee?
I say to go for the romantic approach - because the reason you really want to marry him is because you love him and want to be his wife, not because of the financial stuff. It's just that the financial stuff also happens to be important.
If you want to get married then ask him! Get down on bended knee
However, on the other side of the fence, I'm not married and we won't be getting married. The mortgage and finances are all held jointly, life insurance set up, everything we can do to cover ourselves legally.
As the house you are living in is solely in DP's name it is his, not yours.
You will receive a settlement from your previous house from ex DH when all is resolved.
I assume DP has no DC with his other ex- girlfriends?
He maybe expecting you to contribute to the mortage from your settlement from your other house. I would if I were he, before putting it in your joint names.
Yes, marriage would give you an automatic entitlement to a share of his assets
That's right, DP has no other children.
There has been some pie-in-the-sky discussion about what we will do with my settlement
when it finally comes I think he has his eye on a BMW
He has taught me a lot about sharing household income and outgoings. Previously I have been gung-ho about independence and each paying one's own way but as a poster mentioned above, I care for his child thus enabling him to earn what he does. He absolutely values my non-financial contribution but in all seriousness, I wouldn't be here asking about marriage if I wasn't concerned about protecting my interests
without being a money-grabbing golddigger
Marriage is about financial protection and security wrapped up in romance and love. Do it.
Both of you valuing your role in bringing up you joint child means both of you being sensible about protecting your family for your child/ren.
If you wnat to get married, get married, but whether or not you get married you need to make sure that:
You have a stake in the house - your family home, your children's home.
You have access to the fruits of the family income - pension etc, and the methods others have metnioned
Your input, whether financial or material or in terms of child care and enabling - is acknowledged in terms of actual ownership of things.
I hope you are bloody joking about the BMW. If you put your money into depreciating assets while all his go into an appreciating asset in his name then you and he are both exploiting you.
He is only buying 'us' a house if your name is on the deeds. Taking you on holiday? That won't house you in the event of a split, and does not count as showing committment.
To be honest, it doesn't sound as if you have done much mature thinking about this.
Blu thank you for your good advice - did you miss the after the BMW? The reference to taking us on holiday was more an indication of what we would rather spend money on that a big wedding rather than an example of what consitutes commitment. And I would have thought that posting on MN for advice was the best way to gain food for 'mature thinking'
No I didn't miss the smiley - but it could have a wealth of meanings.
Sorry if you found my post patronising, but in truth it is hard to know how seriously you are approaching this when your post is littered with crossings out and faux jokey smileys.
Every day MN is supporting and advising women who have fallen foul of trust, romance, or just badly planned and protected lives.
Good to know you won't be one in a few years time.
Thanks Blu - your reply was exactly the kind of critical thinking I came on here looking for and the point about 'depreciating assets' is a valid one that I totally hadn't considered. Not that I have any intention of buying him a BMW but I do care a great deal about what we invest our money in.
I posted because I want to find the right balance between trust in my relationship and the self-protection that so many threads indicate is necessary. The relationship with my xh was filled with competitiveness (mostly his) and control (mostly mine) so the teamwork I have going on with dp is like a breath of fresh air - and I have to add a to that because it is making me very happy.
I also wanted to canvass opinion as to whether marrying to secure some financial protection
as well as for love is the 'right' way to go. I am still undecided. Perhaps I should do the really grown-up thing and talk to dp about it!!!
(Sorry - I can't seem to help being flippant )
I would say that if he is not prepared to share the house with you legally, once your settlement with your ex is all done and dusted, then you need to keep your settlement separate and not invest it in any asset that is not solely yours.
In the interests of having a truly equal partnership and building trust, then I think both of yo should be willing to share all assets.
It is not at all that he won't name me on the mortgage, just that the quickest, easiest and cheapest way to secure the property we want has been for him to transfer his exisiting mortgage from the property he is selling.
Thanks again to all those who have given advice/opinions. I am tempted to prompt a discussion by showing him this thread and find out the relative costs/benefits of naming me on the mortgage (which seems to be the important point) vs getting married...
Talk to him OP! I'm getting wed this autumn for a similar mix of reasons: I utterly adore my DP of course, and want to be married to him for all the soppy reasons which have never applied before - but I am also recently out of bankruptcy so it will be a long time before we can own a house together, and we have two DDs. I can't imagine us ever splitting up, but if anything happens to either of us , I want things to be as straightforward as possible for the one left.
Thanks Goldrill - it's great to hear from someone in a similar position Yes, straightforward as possible is exactly what I'm aiming for this time around!
Also like you say, it doesn't have to be a huge expensive wedding, nicest wedding (few guests, even less pretension) I've been to was 2nd time around. I'd put the effort into finalizing your settlement faster too.
That's the thing: going for the cheapest thing now isn't the best way of valuing your family. A strong loving mutual team makes sure that all it's members are secure. The cheap easy mortgage shortcut could easily be the start of a spiral of diminishing returns for any person who stalled their career to enable someone else's.
The other thing to consider is that insecurity and the potential for resentment are fast destroyers of romance. Love is based on what's fair.
I am a hard bitten marriage refusenik in a happy family. We own out house as tenants in common, with my proportion stated in a deed of covenant. I was the higher earner and put in more equity, and it is like my life insurance.
I manage with a seriously unstylish car, though, alas alack!
I would ask for either the mortgage to be in joint names (even if that means borrowing less) or marriage. I am not a fan of marriage myself, but am a huge fan of financial stability.
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