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To be peeved off with the in laws we have fallen out with...

(20 Posts)
glossyflower Tue 02-Apr-13 18:10:42

Long story, I did post another thread on here about this situation previously but can't find it...and now things have progressed.

In a nutshell as to not bore you too much...

basically PIL's told DH that for our wedding last year, he was not to invite a certain aunt, and they would decline the invitation of our wedding if we did.

PIL's do not get on with aunt for what I think very silly reasons (holding a family celebration that PIL could not attend, and would not change the date to accomodate PIL, and generally not making PIL feel part of the family).

DH was very upset. This is not the first time PIL have dictated to him what they want him to do, so he told them fine don't bother coming.
There was a big argument, MIL cried and shouted, FIL asked DH to leave their house as MIL was so upset.

(MIL also said to DH, as I wasn't there at the time "you don't know what your wife has been saying about you behind your back"...all very petty because when I confronted MIL about what I had apparently said, it was when I moaned once about DH being a lazy so and so around the house. When DH asked her to elaborate she wouldn't, indicating what I had said about him was far worse than it was. Luckily he saw through this from the beginning and knew she was just trying to create friction)

Therefore they did not receive an invitation, as DH was waiting for an apology which never came.

The aunt has never done anything to upset DH. And DH was also upset that FIL runs a family business with other members of the family INCLUDING the hated aunt, meaning they hold meetings together a few times a year.

DH felt it was unfair that PIL put on this demand for our wedding, their son's wedding because they did not want aunt to be invited, but FIL will be civil for the family business.
DH has been very upset about the whole thing, but resigns himself that his parents will not change their attitudes.

Over the past year PIL have attempted to talk to DH, but not to apologise, only to say that why couldn't he do as they asked, as they never ask him for anything and remind him of all they have done for him in the past.
Therefore DH has had no interest in engaging in any conversation with them at all.

DH birthday came and went and heard nothing from his parents. Then wedding came and went.

Then a couple of weeks ago MIL came to see DH, and DH told me she seemed quite upset and seemed sorry and wanted us to go and see them.
This was the first time in the entire year they did not use the opportunity to speak to DH to lecture but seemed to want to make amends.

So, the reason why I am pissed off...we go round to the house, at first it was all pleasantries, then we had a 2 hour lecture of why we were wrong to invite aunt to the wedding, and why they hated her so much.

Also they told us the aunt had slagged off our wedding because we announced our pregnancy and it was a horrible way to do it, and said I had ignored DH's cousin, and the only reason they attended our wedding was to get one up on PILs...not sure how they'd know that considering they don't even speak to aunt!

There were no apologies.

MIL asked why they (the PILs) were not invited to our wedding DH said because of their ultimatum...MIL then said they were not even given the chance to change their minds.

MIL also explained for her wedding she had to have hated aunt as bridesmaid, which she didn't want, because her in laws wanted it. We said well it was her wedding, she should not have been forced to do anything she wanted to do, to which her reply was "but we did it because we love our parents, you clearly don't love us because you didn't do as we asked".

Anyway, MIL and DH ended up shouting at each other, Myself and FIL sat quietly for most of it.

Until enough was enough and I said, that it was clear we weren't getting anywhere. No one is going to admit they were at fault or apologise, we think they were in the wrong, they think we were in the wrong but regardless we need to forget the whole thing and never talk about it again because we will never agree on things, to put it behind us and to rebuild our relationship.

I asked MIL what she wanted to do...she said she'd have to think about it and discuss it with FIL after we had gone...

So we left it in their hands. DH was a bit upset but said he knew that they would be that way. I think he only really did it for me, as he knows I have been quite upset over it the whole year. I obviously know his parents like he does.

A month later from this meeting, we have heard nothing at all from PILs.

I hardly want a loving relationship with them, but I would like things to be civil and stay in touch. We are expecting our first baby any day now, and it's sad the baby won't really know one set of grandparents.

That's it in a nutshell but there was a hell of a lot of other shit in between which I can't go into as it's too long a story.

glossyflower Tue 02-Apr-13 18:12:21

(MIL also said to DH, as I wasn't there at the time "you don't know what your wife has been saying about you behind your back"

She didn't say 'wife' as we were not married at the time!

youmaycallmeSSP Tue 02-Apr-13 18:15:44

I remember your previous thread.

TBH there is nothing you can do so try to put them out of your mind as much as possible.

mercibucket Tue 02-Apr-13 18:19:52

why do you want a baby to be brought up knowing 2 unstable and manipulative people? esp as it sounds like your dh is happy to walk away and it is you pushing for a reconciliation?

Bobyan Tue 02-Apr-13 18:22:34

I saw your other thread, I think you need to leave them to it. I appreciate that it's not nice to fall out but it's not your parents and it's not your place to fix it.

digerd Tue 02-Apr-13 18:23:45

What an intolerable situation for you and DH. You have my full sympathy.
At least your DH is not under the thumb of his parents like a lot of posts have been. I feel so sorry for him to have parents like that, it must upset him.

I have no advice to give I'm afraid, but had to send you my sympathy.
MIL sounds like a poisonous viper and FIL takes her side.

Euphemia Tue 02-Apr-13 18:30:34

You need to get tough and have nothing to do with them.

You let them lecture you for two hours??? Why???

I think you're giving them too much power, letting yourselves be treated badly by them. Walk away. Don't let them browbeat you. Fuck them.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 02-Apr-13 19:02:03

Euphemia is right. Train them. One mention, leave immediately, no fuss. Don't hang around for 2 hours!

QuintEggSensuality Tue 02-Apr-13 19:06:52

The baby does not need people like that in its life.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 02-Apr-13 19:12:35

Please focus on you and your pfb. There may be a reconciliation after s/he is born. I think your PILs don't accept your DH is a grown man and expect to bring him to heel by ignoring birthdays and boycotting a major event like a wedding. Do they sound like good role models for your DC?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 02-Apr-13 19:20:56

Why do you think your baby deserves those two particular individuals with their personalities and the way they treat people?

Don't think about grandparents as some great thing, picturing wonderful people who gaze indulgently at the little ones before scooping them up and bouncing them on their knee. Think about them. Who they are. How they behave.

Then ask yourself exactly what they have to offer your child.

tired999 Tue 02-Apr-13 19:23:01

We stopped seeing my inlaws 2 years ago after my FIL decided to let his mother die rather than sending her to the hospital (she'd stopped eating after he put her in a home without asking her and packed her clothes while she was asleep.) 6 months later we invited them to see DS1 a few months after he was born but they refused as it would mean a 300 mile round trip. A few weeks after that my FIL assaulted my Mum in the middle of the town we are both from. After many phone calls things seem to be finally over (as of last week). My FIL told my DH that everything is my fault, I had a masterplan all along and he hopes my DH will have a bang on the head and come to his senses and leave me!

I now know that my FIL doesn't like me because 5 years ago I told him we could find a cheaper car than the one he took us to see at a main dealership! PIL screamed at us after we decided to have a small wedding (as we didn't invite their friends) and my FIL didn't speak to me on our wedding day. I let things carry on for so long as my DH was so upset. Don't let them have any power or control. People will tell you that life is too short and you should make things up with them. I think life is too short to have horrible people in your life.

TuttiFrutti Tue 02-Apr-13 20:08:53

They sound like classic narcissists, especially your Mil. They will never ever apologise for anything, I guarantee it.

Is your mil also a " spectacularly bad gift-giver"? This was one of the "top ten ways to spot a narcissist" I saw on an American website, and it sums up my own mil. They can't buy suitable presents because they are incapable of even trying to get inside the heads of other people.

All you can do is set boundaries, and stick to them. These people will never like you. Treat it like a business relationship. The good news is, it sounds like your dh is on side.

Euphemia Tue 02-Apr-13 20:16:52

Ooh Tutti, sounding like my MIL! DD still hasn't had a Christmas present from her as she had "flu" and didn't manage out for weeks. hmm

For DD's 5th birthday MIL gave her an obviously second-hand fleece sleeping bag (way too small - DD put her foot through the seam the first time she got in it) and a ceramic bunny plant pot holder. No plant/pot, so basically a hard rabbit with a hole in its back.

We're visiting this week - DD's forgotten about Christmas but I bet MIL hasn't, sadly!

glossyflower Tue 02-Apr-13 22:39:00

I agree with all your responses.
We stayed two hours because I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt I guess.
And they are great grandparents with my nephews from what I've seen, but regardless I don't want my child being exposed to negative people.
Also my own dad is quite poorly and it's made me think of things from another perspective. However, yes they are narcissists and they won't change in their attitude. I'm not wasting another second giving benefits of the doubt family or not!
I was peeved as they made a huge issue about us not giving them the chance to talk to us and when we finally do, it was more about them than resolving the issues.
Oh well.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 03-Apr-13 08:33:26

Well, it's because in their eyes 'resolving the issues' would mean you getting down on your knees and begging forgiveness, listening meekly while they tell you all the ways in which you are awful (and probably list all the things they've ever done for you and possibly how much they've ever spent on you)

your role was to nod and agree that it's all your fault and promise to be better in the future.

They will then graciously accept your humble apology and forgive you.

Can you tell I have had experience with this sort of person before? grin

BerthaTheBogCleaner Wed 03-Apr-13 08:53:19

Gosh, I'd have left after 10 minutes.

Let them get on with it. Be grateful that your dh is not guilt-ridden and scared of them and feeling duty-bound to keep in touch.

Spend your valuable time on the good friends and family that you have. My Ps are awful and we don't see them any more. We have a (childless) friend from university days who is the most lovely uncle to our children, he's no relation but far far more like family than my actual family (and he's not the only friend like that!).

Wait for the day when the PILs phone and use the word "sorry" appropriately. And not "sorry you got upset" either. And if that is a very very long wait, well you'll have had a lucky escape.

glossyflower Wed 03-Apr-13 12:06:22

tired999 "People will tell you that life is too short and you should make things up with them. I think life is too short to have horrible people in your life."

I could not agree more.

And hecsy ... Lol

You are all right and thank you for your input xxx

diddl Wed 03-Apr-13 14:17:02

No GPs are better than bad ones!

They sound crazy, but I almost admire them for not being fake nicey nicey because you are pregnant.

Just ignore!

Snoopingforsoup Wed 03-Apr-13 14:50:35

You have my complete sympathy.
I have awkward IL's. My DS hasn't seen them for 18 months now because they just can't be arsed.
My DS is fond of them from the rare times he's had with them, but I can't change them and accept they're just nasty old buggers at heart!
I would just get on with life without them. They know where you are and they're not going to change! You have many happy years ahead, leave them behind if they don't want to be part of it...don't waste time trying to involve IL's as I have, because it actually just makes you feel worse!
It just makes you sad that they're not just rejecting DH, but your PFB too. It's best just accepting they're twats and leaving them to it IMO.

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