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AIBU?

To wonder what just happened?

19 replies

SheepNoisesOff · 02/04/2013 13:45

My cat has not been doing too well lately and despite having had heaps of tests the vets have not been able to get to the bottom of it all.

This morning I took him back for another checkup and they want me to consider doing another test which will cost between ?400 and ?600 euros (endoscopy). We discussed all the ins and outs and possible next steps and I left the cat there for the day for more tests and a second opinion while I come home and figure out what I want to do.

DP came home and I began to tell him what's going on with the cat. After a minute or two he interrupted me and said he had to make a phone call. I pointed out that this was a serious discussion and his friend would be happy to wait two minutes but he wasn't convinced. I burst into tears - I mean, I'm discussing whether to put my cat through another test or have him put to sleep - and he said it was my cat and I could make the best decision for him. Then he went off to make his call.

WTF? I can't understand what's just happened. I know my DP is having a stressful time at the moment too, but nobody is dying! AIBU to expect a bit of emotional support to make a tough decision? I thought that this was exactly what partners were for. He is normally very caring, and although it's my cat he would not be happy to see it suffer or to have it put to sleep, so it's not that. Is this really the sort of thing I should be handling on my own without any input from anyone other than the vet?

OP posts:

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fluffyraggies · 02/04/2013 14:33

Aw i'm sorry to hear about your cat OP. What have you decided?

It sounds like your DP wasn't able to stretch himself enough to be supportive to you and deal with a phone call he needed to make. My DH can be a bit 'one thing at a time' sometimes, whilst personally i am good at being all things to everyone at once most of the time. I find it upsetting when he cant be the same.

Was he supportive once the phone call was out of the way?

SheepNoisesOff · 02/04/2013 14:42

I guess I will probably go ahead and have further tests done, but I really would have liked to have talked it over with him.

He came back in after he'd made the phone call and asked if I wanted to discuss it. I don't want to now. The second opinion vet called me in the meantime and I discussed a few things with her, and now I don't really feel like I want to drag it all out again IYSWIM. The second vet thinks we should wait a few more days so I don't need to have him put to sleep today (he is not in any pain), but jeez I really would have liked to have been able to talk about it with DP beforehand, not potentially have had to go out to pick the cat up and come home without him without DP even knowing about it until I showed up with an empty cat basket!

I jut feel so let down because I want us to be a team, and I don't feel like we are at all really. DP does a lot of things for me (and I do a lot for him), but when the chips are down I feel so alone.

OP posts:

lightsandshapes · 02/04/2013 15:05

Sounds like he wanted to offload the phone call so he could consolidate his thoughts and then give you his full attention. Wouldn't be too hard on him....

fluffyraggies · 02/04/2013 15:07

"when the chips are down I feel so alone"

This doesn't sound good OP :( It sounds like there's a bigger picture to be seen.

Maybe you should start a little thread in relationships? There's a wealth of support over there. Your second post here would do as an opener there.

DontmindifIdo · 02/04/2013 15:17

Do you have DCs with your DP? I tend to think if you're not 100% certain a man will be there not just for smily fun bits of life, but also shitty things, then it's best not to see him as long term.

AgentZigzag · 02/04/2013 15:25

Could he be upset at what's happening with the cat?

Even if he was finding it difficult to talk about he could have still supported you.

I would say to take him up on the offer of talking about it now, even though you might feel you'd rather have no support than support that's has to be forced from the person.

If he's normally OK and you think he's going through a stressful time himself, give him a break and let him in, because if you do decide to have your little mog pts, you're going to need him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/04/2013 15:29

DP came home and I began to tell him what's going on with the cat. After a minute or two he interrupted me and said he had to make a phone call.

Whether you have been with him only a short time, or have known him for years, whether you have DC(s) or not, yes you needed him but - I am not saying this excuses him but - you had your cat on your mind, he had work on his mind. I am guessing from the rest of what you wrote if you had said "My/our cat has died" or "My cat/our cat has to be pts" he would have responded differently.

He perhaps foresaw this was not going to be discussed quickly and had to make that work call.

By now I hope he has given you comfort and reassurance?

quesadilla · 02/04/2013 15:29

I would be upset too OP but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he doesn't care. As someone mentioned further up I think some men, in particular, get flustered when expected to deal with several things at the same time. Try to talk to him again and tell him you were hurt and see how he reacts. But if you really do feel alone more broadly tell him how you feel - probably at a calmer time. Sorry to hear about your cat too.

Lueji · 02/04/2013 15:32

What was the phone call about, though?

SheepNoisesOff · 02/04/2013 15:32

We have 2 DCs (younger one is only 4 months) so I guess I'm stuck with him for the moment In fairness DP has some stressful things going on with a personal project right now.

I don't want to suddenly go in the other direction and start defending him but he is most definitely a very active and engaged parent who does more than half of the child care I do almost all of the bloody cleaning and other boring bits but that's a different story and most of the night-time parenting.

But again, going back the other way, when we're talking about potentially losing a member of the family (which my pets are, to me - they're not like children of course but still very much loved and cared for) I am of course trying to make the best decision for them and wanting to have input from people I trust. I know I shouldn't expect others to act the same way that I would in a given situation but I do think that there are some times when you just drop everything. Making a life or death decision for a pet is one of them, to me.

(I just have to add that I don't want to overdramatise; I know that there are many people on here who have lost children and I want to be clear that I am not trying to make out that it is even vaguely like that. It's not in the slightest.)

OP posts:

Lueji · 02/04/2013 15:36

Also, to be fair to him, he could have had something important in his mind, was afraid it would get too late and of not giving you enough attention.
Once it was done, then he was able to be all yours. (maybe)

SheepNoisesOff · 02/04/2013 15:39

Lueji I think the call was to discuss a personal project with someone (someone very nice who would have waited two minutes, given the situation).

I think that most of you are right, that I am being a bit harsh. As you can imagine I am quite emotional about the topic.

We have two young DCs so are both a bit tired right now too.

I still think he was being ridiculous but I guess I should let it go. I do feel terribly let down though, having had to make up my mind on my own. Yes it's my cat (I've had him since before I met DP) but still.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 02/04/2013 15:41

He can't even say he didn't realise you were so upset because you were crying and he still went off to make the call.

That's a bit worrying.

But then came back and asked if you wanted to talk about it

Could he have realised he'd been a shit and was trying to make it up to you?

Springsister · 02/04/2013 15:44

Sorry to hear your cat is ill. Its very stressful to be in your position trying to do the right thing for your pet.

I was in a similar situation a year ago and my dh was far more pragmatic about it than i was. I loved my cat, he, on the other hand, liked it.

Ask him for support, tell him that you are upset.

SheepNoisesOff · 02/04/2013 15:45

AgentZigzag I know, he definitely knew I was upset!

Drip drip drip - we have different native languages (although we do speak each other's language fluently) so sometimes I think that might cause problems. Given that communication can be hard enough when you both have the same native language!

I think I need to put it down to that and just get on with it. I know he does his best but I think I expect too much of him sometimes. We are both quite stressed and tired lately.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 02/04/2013 15:49

You're last sentence makes sense, no good in adding any more hassle to what you've got on your plate already.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/04/2013 15:54

I'm guessing German or Dutch, if so think you'd have to speak plainly and lay it on the line - "I need to talk about this now" - admittedly he'd likely counter with, "Well I need to make this call" - if he had not come back and asked if you wanted to talk about it I would have been cross on your behalf. As it is if you have both been kept awake by infants and generally stressed lately, it may explain his apparent slowness to grasp how important it was to you at that moment.

Forgot to say, am sorry about your cat, wait and see if he picks up again in the next 48 hrs.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 02/04/2013 15:59

Perhaps he didn't want to rush through the conversation with you? you say that it would have taken "two minutes" - but it wouldn't, would it? two minutes? 120 seconds? Are you saying that this serious and important discussion could have been had in 120 seconds? No. It couldn't. And it wouldn't have been nice to try to rush through it because someone was waiting for a phone call.

Perhaps by getting the phone call out of the way (assuming it was a necessary call and someone was actually waiting for him to phone), he was making sure that you weren't rushed, that he had quickly dealt with the person waiting to be called, so that he could give you all the time and attention you needed without having that call in the back of his mind.

Perhaps he didn't realise that the conversation with you was time sensitive and thought that you had the evening to discuss it

Pandemoniaa · 02/04/2013 16:34

I'd honestly look at this the other way round. In that he realised you would want to have an unhurried and probably emotional discussion about your cat. So he got his call out of the way first in order to be more supportive. Of course, this might be utter bollocks because we dont know your DP but it's not an entirely unreasonable theory.

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