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or is my BiL being overly controlling?

(91 Posts)
tvmum1976 Tue 02-Apr-13 05:13:45

AIBU to ask my BiL to look after their 2 kids for a couple of hours (actually I guess probably 4 hours total with travel time) while my sister comes with me to choose my wedding dress? He refuses to do it, and has called me a spoiled brat etc for asking. His POV is that he is a SAHD during the week and needs a break- to be fair, it is a demanding job- one of the kids is mildly autistic/ aspergers (although at school during the day) and the other is a toddler (mornings in nursery). I truly understand that it is hard on him, but it was a 4 day weekend so he would have had a break the rest of the time and it is a once in a lifetime special occasion (important to me more emotionally than practically to be fair.) i have never asked him to do anything like this before, and he has never let my sister go out anywhere without him on the weekends since they had kids 5 years ago, as he says the weekends are his only chance to have a break and my sis should be on duty with the kids. She won't be coming to my hen night etc for this reason. they won't use babysitters and there's no one else that can really help out.

TreeLuLa Tue 02-Apr-13 05:19:20

SHouldn't this be between your sister and her husband?

He does sound rather selfish.

What does your sister do during the week?

I work F/T and DH is F/T SAHD. I do tend to have the DCs at the weekend, but DH would definitely have them if I had something I wanted to do.

tvmum1976 Tue 02-Apr-13 05:22:25

thanks for replying. Yes would definitely normally leave this to them to work out. The reason I got involved was that I really wanted my sister to be there when I was choosing my wedding dress (I was there for hers and it was a lovely family experience and I kind of wanted to make it a tradition) so I asked her if she would come and asked him if he would look after kids. He was furious to be asked and said I was selfish/ spoiled etc etc. I know weddings can make people temporarily very U so I wondered if this was what had happened or whether he was being overly controlling etc.

AmbrosiaCreamedMice Tue 02-Apr-13 05:26:30

Yeah, he's mental.

HermioneHatesHoovering Tue 02-Apr-13 05:27:07

Yes he is being very unreasonable and controlling.

Tenacity Tue 02-Apr-13 05:28:31

Surely, childcare arrangements should be between him and your sister, or am I missing something? hmm
I don't think it was your place to ask, so on that basis YABU.
Your sister is (hopefully) a grown woman who doesn't need an intermediator to talk to her husband.

tvmum1976 Tue 02-Apr-13 05:30:37

tenacity- do you mean not my place to ask my sister to come with me, or not my place to ask if he'd mind watching the kids? (the asking him was kind of an inevitable consequence of asking her to come, as I knew there was no other option for them that they would accept...)

stainesmassif Tue 02-Apr-13 05:33:28

He sounds like an arse. When does your sister get time off between working and kids?

Tenacity Tue 02-Apr-13 05:36:21

You have every right to ask your sister after all, she is your sister, and you want her to be there for you.
I think her DH is different kettle of fish though as by asking him, you could be seen to be interfering.
I think your sister should have talked to him... If he usually refuses then she needs to be getting to the root of this. It's her marriage after all

MusicalEndorphins Tue 02-Apr-13 05:36:32

Based on your OP, it sounds like he is selfish. What's his problem? Mean of him to not be agreeable to taking care of his own children for one day, simply because he is a sahd. Other working people manage to get out on a week end or evening leaving their spouse in charge. If I were your sister, I would hire someone to watch them and go with you shopping for the wedding dress.
Or you have a babysitter ready to watch them at your place. That would be even better, she won't be under pressure to get back, and you could have dinner together as well.

tvmum1976 Tue 02-Apr-13 05:36:45

she doesn't get any time off- she works F/T and has the kids the rest of the time. she really wanted to go with me as it was time off for her too, but he said no to looking after kids, which effectively meant no to the whole plan.

MusicalEndorphins Tue 02-Apr-13 05:39:55

I would not stand for that if I were her! Do you know someone who would be a good babysitter? Could your sister come for the week end with the kids, and you go then? She has rights!

Tenacity Tue 02-Apr-13 05:43:09

It's only that by asking him, you might have put yourself into the firing line. Perhaps he felt cornered? Of course, he was very rude, and should apologise for what he said to you.
However, your sister should not be putting you in such a situation. She needs to work on any issues with her DH, without putting third parties into the firing line.

tvmum1976 Tue 02-Apr-13 05:43:52

I would love them to get a babysitter, but for some reason they don't want to, and I am loathe to interfere for exactly the reasons PPs have suggested. I don't want to interfere in their marriage/ childcare decisions. But I do worry about my sister and the whole situation.

tvmum1976 Tue 02-Apr-13 05:48:01

tenacity- fair point- he probably did feel cornered and so that was probably a bit U of me. My sister def hasn't done anything wrong though. She didn't put me in the firing line- I was the one who asked them both, at the same time (over email.)

Tenacity Tue 02-Apr-13 05:59:00

It's sad OP that you couldn't go out with your sister, but It does sound like he is resentful about not getting a proper break.

I think your sister needs to sit down with her DH and arrange it so both are getting breaks of some sort? The difficulty is only they can do, no one else can for them.
Perhaps next time, your sister should offer a win-win where her DH also gets a few hours off as well?
You talked about a babysitter- I don't think there is anything wrong with offering to pay for one. Certainly from the sound of it, it might be very much appreciated.

tvmum1976 Tue 02-Apr-13 06:02:46

tenacity: it's not the paying for the babysitter- I"d be more than happy to pay. They just don't want to use one for some reason that I don't really understand and don't want to question for all the reasons you've mentioned in your pps.

Tenacity Tue 02-Apr-13 06:03:11

I just saw they won't use babysitters. Ignore that bit about sitters.

Tenacity Tue 02-Apr-13 06:18:46

It sounds like a frustrating situation all round, but your sister really needs to nip this in the bud.
Perhaps you could explain how frustrated you feel, and offer some support so she resolves this with her husband?
Otherwise she will miss out on such a precious time, and live to regret it. Congratulations by the way. smile

MrsToddsShortcut Tue 02-Apr-13 06:20:20

In your OP you mentioned that one of the children is at school and the other is at nursery in the mornings so surely he has a 'break' every morning?

On that basis he does sound controlling if he won't mind the children so your sister can go on what is presumably a one off trip out. You mentioned that you were worried - is there other stuff that he does that concerns you?

MoaneyMcmoanmoan Tue 02-Apr-13 06:26:01


He sounds awful.

Longdistance Tue 02-Apr-13 06:32:56

He's a right toad.

Put that story into a sahm situation, and the sahm refused her dh time off at the weekend, then she would be unreasonable for not letting him have time off.

TheFallenNinja Tue 02-Apr-13 06:41:40

It sounds mean but I imagine there is probably a bit more to it.

HollyBerryBush Tue 02-Apr-13 06:47:04

Put it in a real work context, you are an accountant and someone comes round at the weekend and asks you to do their tax return.

But he is being a bit OTT unless there is something else going on that we (not you) know about, which is probably the case.

Is your sister doing her fair share of housework too or is it all left to him?

Montybojangles Tue 02-Apr-13 06:48:49

Um, so she works in the week, then works as full time carer for children at weekend, when is her day off? Not sure it's up to you to interfere though, she needs to discuss this with her DH if she isn't happy with this situation.

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