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Was my partner unreasonable? Or am I just an annoying backseat driver?

(108 Posts)
SongoftheSiren Mon 01-Apr-13 22:51:10

My partner drove me and a friend out for dinner (so we would be able to have a glass of wine with dinner)

We were driving on a long stretch of road where there are fairly recent (less than a year) speed cameras.

I could see that he was driving at 56 and the limit is 50. So I quickly said slow down because there are speed cameras. He snapped back that yes he knew, I then said the speed is 50 and he again snapped back with - yes I know and that's just the average speed anyway so stop being an annoying backseat driver.

There was an awkward silence. Think my friend felt uncomfortable.

I tend not to ever comment if someone else is driving as it can be annoying, but felt I should say something as I wouldn't want him to get points or a fine.

SongoftheSiren Mon 01-Apr-13 23:42:15

But Boney You only quoted the end part of what I said when I told the other person that they had twisted the story.

You did very much take it out of context. But this is AIBU and anything goes on here I guess.

At least you know now that I was being sarcastic when I said I was shocked and nagged him.

SongoftheSiren Mon 01-Apr-13 23:43:03

at 56, if there were no cameras i wouldn't mention it.

No in that situation I wouldn't have mentioned it either Booy smile

BoneyBackJefferson Mon 01-Apr-13 23:48:39

Actually Song I left the section out where you contridicted your opening post

"I never said we were driving in a 50 zone and bf was going 56!"

"I could see that he was driving at 56 and the limit is 50"

BoneyBackJefferson Mon 01-Apr-13 23:50:24

All else aside

Is your bf sulking or arsy with you because of it, or has he already frogotten about.

I take it that he picked you up from your night out?

SongoftheSiren Mon 01-Apr-13 23:52:45

Boney <sigh>

I was responding to this comment -

If someone nagged me for doing 56, in a 50 zone...I wouldn't be driving them again.

Which suggested that we were just driving in a 50 zone and there were no cameras around and I was telling him to slow down just for the sake of it.

When that wasn't the case hence why I said I said

"I never said we were driving in a 50 zone and bf was going 56!"

I wasn't contradicting myself at all.

BoneyBackJefferson Mon 01-Apr-13 23:59:14

I'm gonna assume that there is a fairly broad misunderstanding of terminology here and its causing problems with communication.

So I'm gonna step away from the thread and wish you a pleasant night.

MagicHouse Tue 02-Apr-13 00:03:35

I don't think you were unreasonable. Like you say - you assumed quite reasonably that he thought it was a 60 limit. He was unreasonable to snap at you when he WAS actually speeding, and also knew full well that he was.

MoominmammasHandbag Tue 02-Apr-13 00:04:01

Well if I was being driven over the speed limit I would feel perfectly entitled to comment.
DH is an ex rep who used to do lot of miles; he absolutely thrashes the car around, heavy on the accelerator and heavy on the gas. I am a controlling cow very poor passenger and I am quite happy to criticise his driving. He frequently criticises mine as well, we don't fall out about it.

aldiwhore Tue 02-Apr-13 00:04:54

For mentioning it once, to warn of the camera = YANBU.

For mentioning it twice = YABU

56 doesn't actually feel fast though really does it so I suspect you were anticipating him going to fast in the new limit/new camera, which may have sounded a bit smug, which would have annoyed him, which would have annoyed you... YWBBU really, though I understand why you said it.

56 is quite precise though, or has he got a digital speedo? Mine is old school so would have been simply somewhere vaguely around 55 at 56pmh.

EllenParsons Tue 02-Apr-13 00:06:32


StuntGirl Tue 02-Apr-13 00:07:49

I would quite happily comment on someone's driving if it was dangerous. Speeding is dangerous. And I can't even drive. Guess what? I don't give a shit. I'd like to live, not die in a fiery ball of flame when the driver crashes thankyouverymuch.

There are certain people I won't get in a car with any more thanks to their atrocious driving.

BenderLovableRobot Tue 02-Apr-13 00:15:01

I really would love to start a thread saying -

My DH was driving and there was a speed camera coming up which he might not have known about. I could see he was speeding but rather than warn him I just smiled to myself thinking of all those lovely points he might get.

MysteriousHamster Tue 02-Apr-13 00:18:05

YANBU, I drive and would tell my husband and would appreciate him warning me.

SongoftheSiren Tue 02-Apr-13 00:23:39

56 is quite precise though, or has he got a digital speedo?

We have a new car and the speed shows up on a large digital display. Perhaps I should have mentioned that in my OP.

LapsedPacifist Tue 02-Apr-13 00:56:42

I'm a novice driver. 6 months after passing my test, I've started getting a bit complacent and have found myself having to brake in a hurry because I'm driving a bit too fast. I'm horrified by the number of posters here who not only seem to think it's absolutely fine and/or normal to break the speed limit, but also believe it's totally unreasonable for a passenger to even point out to the driver that they are speeding. Is this how most people REALLY drive? I'm the only driver in the family and have very little experience of being a car passenger either.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 02-Apr-13 01:38:47

Mentioning it once yanbu more than once then yep yabu.

But that's just me and I'm fairly well known for leaving passengers at the side of the road for making comments or touching my buttons. Ok I admit I did it to my mother once after she started gabbing hold of the seat wincing and saying look out you nearly hit that car. In my defence I was stopped at a junction in a residential area the nearest car to me was a good 30 yards away and she had more than annoyed me that day.

Rindercella Tue 02-Apr-13 01:48:57

I'd just take the points for him OP

《legs it》

SailToMe Tue 02-Apr-13 15:17:52

I'm surprised some people would not say anything.

Especially surprised at this comment -

If my dh did this to me I would be fantasising painful and humiliating punishments for him for the rest of the evening.

I'm honestly worried that you have problems after reading that.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Tue 02-Apr-13 15:23:39

I'm really baffled by the responses you've gotten, OP. Your bf was speeding well above the limit. YWNBU at all to tell him to slow down.

I cannot abide irresponsible drivers at all.

squeakytoy Tue 02-Apr-13 15:25:10

"I would quite happily comment on someone's driving if it was dangerous. Speeding is dangerous."

Speeding in built up areas can be dangerous. Speeding at an amount way above the speed limit can be dangerous.

Going at a couple of miles per hour above the speed limit, on a long stretch of road is not dangerous. Nor is it likely to trigger a camera either as the slightest touch off the pedal would have brought the speed to within the legal limit, without needing to use the brakes.

ENormaSnob Tue 02-Apr-13 15:27:02

Presuming the fine would come out of family money I would've said something too.

If he ignored me and got caught then that's his problem but I would be pissed off at the financial impact.

Pendeen Tue 02-Apr-13 16:25:30

A gentle reminder of the limit would have been OK.

But some of the comments above, e.g. "Speeding is dangerous. And I can't even drive. " are, frankly rather silly when discussing 56 (probably a genuine 53-54) in a 50.

Chocovore Tue 02-Apr-13 16:31:48

How do you know he was doing 56mph? From your position in the passenger seat you were presumably looking at the speedo from an angle. From head on, he was probably doing less.

sarahtigh Tue 02-Apr-13 16:46:22

speedometers legally have to be accurate or overestimate most read at least 3 miles above actual speed you are doing so it is likely your DH was really doing 53 or 54

it may have been your tone that annoyed him so much, I would have said something more like " lots of people get caught out here as they are really hot for speeding on this stretch"

police speed cameras are often on long straight stretches where not that dangerous rather than on bends blind summits etc,

though speeding is not good, a lot of it is revenue raising, I know traffic police that admit that this is the objective in some places

obviously OP could read speedometer but it has been found through various scientific experiments that adults on average can tell differences in car speeds at about +/- 9mph; 6mph would be possible but very good

children however are very poor judges of speed and can not really tell anything except very very obvious about 20mph faster slower, hence children attempting to cross road when not enough time as they cannot really tell whether approaching car is going 25 or 40mph

it is very unlikely but not impossible to be prosecuted for a very minimal infringement most allow 10%

NomDeOrdinateur Tue 02-Apr-13 17:09:38

YADNBU, and I think you're getting an unfairly hard time on this thread - some people are ridiculously defensive of their "right" to break the law just because they're behind the wheel of a car...

I'm always grateful when DH drives, but I'm not going to put up and shut up if he's driving in a way that's unsafe or likely to incur fines. He's not doing me a favour by driving if he's putting our finances and/or safety at risk.

As long as you're appreciative, polite and careful to keep warnings to an absolute minimum (e.g. traffic light/speed cameras nearby, or you've noticed a serious hazard that the driver doesn't seem to be aware of) then I honestly don't see the problem, provided that you're prepared to be on the receiving end of similar "helpful observations" yourself.

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