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to wish people would listen to what you say not what they wish you'd said?

(31 Posts)
homecookingatitsbest Mon 01-Apr-13 19:53:18

I am lonely, I didn't say I was bored. Please DON'T ask me about my hobbies, suggest I reorganise the airing cupboard or tell me to join clubs. I'm not bored because I can fill my time but I am very, very lonely.

Why does no one want to hear it? sad

Hopasholic Mon 01-Apr-13 19:56:58

I hear you have some flowers

<daren't say any more for fear of offending >

Hopasholic Mon 01-Apr-13 19:58:28

* put comma after 'you' or that does not make sense! [embarrased]

kotinka Mon 01-Apr-13 19:59:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

homecookingatitsbest Mon 01-Apr-13 20:01:29

I'm not offended, really sorryif I came over a stroppy arse, just wish I could have a vent without being told to join a club. I got really low last night and rang Samaritans and the lady listened to me and I explained about how all my friends are busy and it's a bank holiday and so on and she listened and then said:

"so was there a time when you had friends?"

ValarMorGoolis Mon 01-Apr-13 20:02:25

People look to provide a solution.

If they can't come and be with you they don't want to think that they can't help you, so they try and suggest things that might help you be less unhappy.

I am sorry you're lonely homecooking sad If we wanted to help, what could we do?

Pandemoniaa Mon 01-Apr-13 20:02:30

Maybe people are not so much assuming that you are bored, more that if you took up a hobby you might meet people as a result and thus not be lonely.

kotinka Mon 01-Apr-13 20:03:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrendelsMum Mon 01-Apr-13 20:05:19

I think it's what people fear, and so they tell you - and themselves - that it can be avoided by joining clubs and socialising.

I'm sorry you're lonely over Easter. That's very, very hard.

homecookingatitsbest Mon 01-Apr-13 20:06:37

but pandemoniaa it doesn't solve the problem as peak lonely times are times when others want to spend time with their spouses/DCs. It isn't how many people you know through clubs it's whether or not they can actually spend time with you, and it was that I was trying to explain but people persist in acting like you must be a loner with no friends, which I'm not!! (sob)

homecookingatitsbest Mon 01-Apr-13 20:07:26

grendels yes, I suspect you're right with that one

GrendelsMum Mon 01-Apr-13 20:09:17

I actually think it's a very brave thing to say - an elderly lady said straight out that she was lonely to me the other day (her son and husband had both died young, and she'd lived alone for many years), and I admired her for it.

I also think that loneliness is something quite profound - it's not necessarily about spending time with people, it's more about when the people can spend time with you?

kotinka Mon 01-Apr-13 20:10:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MimmeeBack Mon 01-Apr-13 20:11:22

I know how you feel. There isn't a way anyone can fix it for you, and (for me) people's solutions just make it worse sad

Pandemoniaa Mon 01-Apr-13 20:11:54

I see what you mean homecooking but not everyone will be spending time with their spouses/dcs and the likelihood of this is less if you have a varied set of interests. But yes, it is wrong for anyone to assume you are friendless just because you are lonely. It's not the number of friends that is at issue, it is their availability. I'm also sorry you've had a lonely Easter.

homecookingatitsbest Mon 01-Apr-13 20:12:06

That poor woman grendels sad

homecookingatitsbest Mon 01-Apr-13 20:14:09

Mimmee thanks for understanding.

GrendelsMum Mon 01-Apr-13 20:15:25

Yes indeed sad. I go over and have tea with her once a month or so, but it's just scratching the surface, really.

homecookingatitsbest Mon 01-Apr-13 20:17:59

It will help, trust me, I am seeing friends for one day next week and the thought of that is helping keep me sane!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Mon 01-Apr-13 20:22:42

Loneliness is a killer, homecooking, and I think it's very hard for people who have never been really properly lonely themselves tom understand how awful it is.

I hope it gets better for you ((hugs))

pollypandemonium Mon 01-Apr-13 20:25:03

The more people you know the less likely it is that you will be alone, and therefore, lonely. You can't knock people for suggesting groups and clubs. It's so much easier nowadays- there are groups for everything. Have you tried Meetup? there are groups that do all kinds of stuff and events are organised online so you don't have that confusion about arranging / who to arrange with.

I'm not really sure what you are asking for on this thread. Do you want advice or suggestions?

Iwishitwouldgetwarmer Mon 01-Apr-13 20:25:55

Hi homecooking,

It can be very lonely knowing people but them not being available when you need a friend. I'm divorced and I'm sad that the promise of the weekend/holidays doesn't happen anymore.

I've joined clubs/nightclasses etc but in a way it can be lonelier to hear about what people have been up to at the weekend when you've been stuck on your own because all the people you know have their own families.

I try to keep myself busy but it's only a distraction not a replacement for seeing people.

pollypandemonium Mon 01-Apr-13 20:26:17


trashcanjunkie Mon 01-Apr-13 20:31:50

oh homecooking I'm really bloody sorry you're lonely. I think one of the reasons people don't hear is because it's too upsetting. Which is shit and doesn't help! Also they can't offer an easy solution to the problem. I have been very lonely in the past, and I felt my loneliness stemmed from the following:
Not having family in my life apart from dc's, which was my choice but still difficult, and not having a partner. I was lucky enough to have some really wonderful friends, who I saw regularly enough, but what I wanted was someone who I was special to. I wanted someone who gave a shit how my day had gone, and what trivialities I'd been through, and vice versa. Somebody to kiss goodnight, and wake up next to. My very good friend had those things, but was lonely as her dh often worked late or at weekends - a different but equally hard situation.

it's fucking shit being lonely, however it gets you - one of the things about mumsnet I adore is that it can help alleviate these feelings, but sometimes even that won't help.

If there was one thing that would help you to feel better, what would it be?

GrendelsMum Mon 01-Apr-13 20:33:48

Thank you for your words, Homecooking - you're quite right, and I'll see if I can arrange an afternoon out togethr next weekend.

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