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to not want to stay an extra night at inlaws so dh can go drinking

(40 Posts)
GreenLeafTea Mon 01-Apr-13 05:44:02

My husband's grandmother died on Sunday. We left Sunday night to stay with his parents. At first we weren't sure when the funeral would be so we were going to take the cat with us. Just before we left we got a text saying the funeral would be Tuesday morning so we had a quick discussion and decided to return home Tuesday night and leave the cat for 2 days on his own.

My father in law has asked dh to do some funeral related stuff on Monday night so my husband now wants to stay an extra night so he can go drinking with his old school friends on Tuesday night.

I really don't want to stay an extra night as I'm worried about the cat and because I find it quite hard work at his parents house. We have three young (active!!) kids and their house really isn't child friendly for example medicine on the sideboard, ornaments everywhere. We didn't bring any toys and the kids are bored already. Also sister in law is staying with her young baby. She hasn't said anything but I think she is a bit stressed with the noise and can't get her baby to sleep. It's a pretty full house.

We had already planned a visit here next month even though dh is now saying he's not sure if he can get the time to work to come.

On the one hand I don't want to be a bitch and say he can't go out but on the other hand I feel he is putting everyone out just for his own selfishness.

nooka Mon 01-Apr-13 05:49:16

It doesn't seem very appropriate to me to go out drinking with your mates the night of your grandmother's funeral. If I were your dh's parents I would really not appreciate that at all. Given your small children, the general stress and your cat that probably needs feeding I think it would be completely reasonable of you to say that you think you should all go home after the funeral. I would suspect that is what your ILs would probably like too.

HollyBerryBush Mon 01-Apr-13 05:54:14

Depends on the nature of the friendships. If these are people he grew up with and went to school with, they will be offering a different sort of support and comfort at this time. No one person can provide everything another needs.

Also depends on your definition of 'drinking'. Out clubbing differs wildly to reminiscing over a few pints in the local.

Yamyoid Mon 01-Apr-13 05:58:28

Difficult but tbh I think he is bu.
can he make his own way back a day later by train/bus?

lottiegarbanzo Mon 01-Apr-13 06:07:25

Well does the cat have enough food and water? Is there anyone with a spare key who can go in and feed her? If not, three nights is a really long time to leave her. I'd say too long.

Does you H have plans to amuse the DCs on Tuesday afternoon? Take them out somewhere? Hanging around all day after the funeral will be very boring for them and stressful for his parents, who are probably looking forward to some quiet recovery time that day.

GreenLeafTea Mon 01-Apr-13 06:16:08

That's the weird thing. No one seems that bothered about grandma dying. They are just getting on as usual but I suppose they may get emotional at the funeral. Dh could make his way home by himself but then it would be a 7 hour drive home on my own and 3 trains for him. Our neighbour doesn't have a key.

He has been working like crazy so I guess he just wants to relax with old friends.

I was planning to take the kids out after the funeral as dh has to do some funeral related stuff with fil. I thought I would run some energy off them and then we could travel back Tuesday night. Hopefully the kids would sleep in the car.

If he goes out Tuesday night he would want to sleep late Wednesday and we would probably drive back after lunch.

HollyBerryBush Mon 01-Apr-13 06:19:54

Does one more day really make that much difference?

People grieve in different ways. As laid back as some people appear to be about death, the finality of a funeral is often highly charged with out pourings of grief.

How sad Nanna isn't having a formal wake.

GreenLeafTea Mon 01-Apr-13 06:21:49

Cat has enough food and water but he is a very sociable boy and I suspect he is mewing like crazy at the window to get out. If I had known we would stay an extra night then I could have brought him with us or asked the neighbour to feed him but dh didn't anticipate fil wanting his help tonight.

I'll admit I'm bored here too. Dh likes just hanging around during the day doing nothing but I hate it. It drives me crazy!

GreenLeafTea Mon 01-Apr-13 06:24:12

Dh is from a different culture. They are Bhuddists so grandma is having the wake tonight. Dh and FIL will stay watch over her body.

ll31 Mon 01-Apr-13 07:27:23

Think yabu, its one day.

Euphemia Mon 01-Apr-13 07:27:25

If I were you I would head home with the DCs right after the funeral. Seven hours in a car is not exactly fun, but at least you'd be home at the end of it!

In your DH's shoes, I would quite like a long train journey on my own to gather my thoughts. smile

But as others have said, grief affects people in different ways, so in the end you need to do what is best to support DH at this time.

Emilythornesbff Mon 01-Apr-13 07:43:34

Condolences.

I'd be a bit annoyed tbh.
I guess my mood would depend on whether he was involved with looking after dcs or if you're left to get on with it while he lounges about.
I'd want to go home but I truly HATE motorway driving. If I wasn't scared of the drive I'd take the kids home.
Maybe it's good for him to have that time with friends.
Or is it one of those "any excuse to go out on the piss" situations?

Only you know.
Probably best to try and find a way to be ok about it because it's so tiring feeling pissed off. smile

MortifiedAdams Mon 01-Apr-13 07:48:23

One extra night isnt going to make much difference to anyone except your DH who gets to catch up with old schoolfriends who are usually seven hours away.

Suck it up.

StealthPolarBear Mon 01-Apr-13 07:51:09

Yes, can you go home and he follow on the train?

HollyBerryBush Mon 01-Apr-13 07:53:13

This isn't actually about him going out with his mates, or the cat is it? it's about the Ils not having a child friendly house and you being bored.

Take a step back, what does DH need at this time?

swallowedAfly Mon 01-Apr-13 07:58:12

if you really want to get home then drive home and let him get the train the next day. stick to your original plan of wearing them out in the afternoon and then drive home.

you've said he's been working like crazy - then he's had to take the only time off he may be able to get to deal with all this so i can totally understand wanting to at least catch up with his friends whilst he's there given he won't get time off again.

it isn't exactly fair on you but give and take would dictate that there'll be a time when you need a bit 'extra' and won't want him begrudging it i think.

StealthPolarBear Mon 01-Apr-13 08:00:18

Holly, he may "need" to go out with his friends, which is fine, but presumably he doesn't need his wife and children to be bored and frustrated at his parents' house at the same time?

Emilythornesbff Mon 01-Apr-13 08:05:56

This could be off the point but I find it abit annoying that there seems to be a common acceptance that a build up of stress requires a spouse (usually DH it has to be said) to "escape" his family and seek emotional sustinence from mates and pubs. I think it's different from the fact that we all need a friends outside from our family or a break from our usual routine. Often seems to be a bit of a one way street.

hmm

brettgirl2 Mon 01-Apr-13 08:06:55

yanbu at all.

LadyWidmerpool Mon 01-Apr-13 08:07:53

I think when you have a pet its welfare trumps your convenience. (Which is why I'll never have one.) I think you need to get back to your poor cat and next time give the neighbour a key. Anything can hold you up when you are travelling.

MrsCampbellBlack Mon 01-Apr-13 08:10:13

I'd actually be really worried about the cat. Are you sure you've left enough food and water for over 3 days?

Emilythornesbff Mon 01-Apr-13 08:10:57

So what would happen if you and DCs go home? Or you all go home?

HappyDogRedDogToss Mon 01-Apr-13 08:12:51

I'm wincing from here about the amount of free range cat shit you will be returning to. It's going to smell.

HollyBerryBush Mon 01-Apr-13 08:34:39

Personally I wouldn't want a 7 hour drive after I'd just buried my grandmother and culturally I would expect a wake afterwards. I appreciate from the wake perspective the DH in this instance is of a different culture so the wake is pre-funeral. But I still wouldn't fancy a 7 hour drive if I were him.

Sometimes you just have to cut some slack.

northcountrygirl Mon 01-Apr-13 08:37:36

I think if you have no one at all to see to the cat, you have no choice but to return home. I agree with happy dog too - as a fellow cat owner I can predict the cat litter is going to be particularly pungent already!

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