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AIBU? This has been eating away at me today...

(75 Posts)
slatternlymother Sun 31-Mar-13 22:49:34

My dear friend has a bit of form for lateness; it does annoy me, but I've never brought it up because she and her DP are lovely in all other respects, and it happens in fits and starts. They're either hour(s) late or bang on time. It seems petty to bring it up.

Today though, it's sort of eaten away at me a bit.

We were supposed to have breakfast together at 9, and then pop out all together (they are godparents to DS who is 2). However, at 9am I get a text saying friend's DP has been called into work, but they will be there at 10am. At 10:20, another text saying they won't be long. At 10:30am ish, friend phones me saying her DP won't be long. By 11:45am, I've heard nothing, and I phone her to say we're going to eat because DS is hungry and so are we, and that we're heading out afterwards. She told me her DP told her he had texted me (he hadn't) to say he was running late. About 15 minutes later I get a rushed text message from her DP saying that he'd been held up at work. I said I hoped they had a nice day still.

I texted friend this evening to say I hope she'd had a nice day, and we'd see them tomorrow (we're having lunch at theirs), but heard nothing.

I sort of feel a bit... Flat. This has happened before. They're supposed to come to ours for drinks, but they turn up an hour late with no real acknowledgement. It's happens quite a bit. I was holding a baby shower for a mutual friend, and my friend pulled out 20 minutes before I was due to pick her up by leaving a message on my answer phone.

Am I overreacting? Is this just a quirk of theirs?

Or do they just not think that much of us? Because honestly, that's how it feels right now, it feels really shitty.

Can someone come and talk some sense into me? I'm sort of dreading tomorrow now, like there's a bit of an elephant in the room after today.

hwjm1945 Sun 31-Mar-13 22:51:36

Do they do this to other people?if so prob just the way they are.if not.they do not hold you in high regard so drop them or at . Least tell them how u feel first

Bluelightsandsirens Sun 31-Mar-13 22:52:47

Very annoying, work can't be helped but leaving breakfast till 11.45 isn't on!!

I'd be tempted to turn the clocks on them tomorrow but that would be petty and could potentially cause a problem.

Could you tell her how you feel?

slatternlymother Sun 31-Mar-13 22:54:26

I don't know if they do this to other people because they don't seem to have friends who we know as well, or see as regularly.

I have been thinking about bringing it up; I'm actually really hurt sad

scottishtablet Sun 31-Mar-13 22:54:34

My friend has a habit of doing that. It's really shit. Normally she turns up about 2 hours late- I don't have much free time (well, atm I do, broken ankle!) and I just can't wait. And then I feel guilty for leaving!

I sometimes think she aren't worth it and that I should drop her. But I dunno.

Ruprekt Sun 31-Mar-13 22:56:09

I have had to drop friends over lateness however lovely they are.

It is soooooo rude to continually be so late. Makes me so cross. I was once left in a park for an hour and 45 minutes whilst I waited for her. I was angryangryangryangry.

Mention it. See what she says. Maybe she doesnt know how much it bugs you.

slatternlymother Sun 31-Mar-13 22:56:12

scottish i was almost at the point of tears which is really stupid! I just felt so important and low down on her list.

I made a huge big English Breakfast, half of which went to waste sad

slatternlymother Sun 31-Mar-13 22:57:24

I must add that it's inconsistent. So not all the time, hence why it can feel petty.

But I'm feeling so rubbish about it, I actually feel like calling tomorrow off. But that would be petty as well.

pollyblue Sun 31-Mar-13 22:57:52

i think habitual lateness is pretty disrespectful tbh

They left you in limbo today, despite occassional texts, and have gone silent about tomorrow. It's not petty to find it irksome.

slatternlymother Sun 31-Mar-13 22:59:08

Sometimes I don't know if it's because they don't have children that they don't realise how important timekeeping is to us now, and I'm not being patronising because I was probably more thoughtless a few years ago, too.

It just says to me 'my time is more important than yours', and I'm really down about it.

scottishtablet Sun 31-Mar-13 22:59:25

It really does hurt, especially when you've gone to so much trouble. It's so easy to say that friends don't treat each other like that, but I know it's just not easy to do.

Secretly I think about doing the same thing to my friend, and see what she would do/say blush

slatternlymother Sun 31-Mar-13 23:00:49

DH thinks they went quiet because they'd had a row or something.

I don't know how to bring it up without sounding really petty. I know everyone's busy; I get that. I really do, and they are lovely, lovely people.

ParadiseChick Sun 31-Mar-13 23:01:03

Depends on how good a friend she is, lateness excluded.

I'd just make your plans, first sign of getting arsed about, do what you want.

slatternlymother Sun 31-Mar-13 23:02:57

I don't want to make a scene or upset them at all.

But (and I know I'm overthinking it) I think, what if they're doing this because they don't really want to spend time around our DS? They seem to like him, but maybe they don't really. He's a quiet little chap, but I do get that not everyone likes kids... Oh, I'm overthinking this now, aren't I?

I'm just really tied up about it. sad

scottishtablet Sun 31-Mar-13 23:03:43

Overthinking my dear! Cuppa and then bed maybe? I think your DH might be right re the silence.

slatternlymother Sun 31-Mar-13 23:03:50

paradise yes, that's probably a good idea. I'm still cross though sad

slatternlymother Sun 31-Mar-13 23:04:39

scottish you're right. I can feel the draggy start of period pain, so that's probably not helping, is it?

slatternlymother Sun 31-Mar-13 23:06:09

It is however, something that's cropped up before. So I know I'm not imagining it.

scottishtablet Sun 31-Mar-13 23:06:22

Definitely not helping!

ZoeZoolander Sun 31-Mar-13 23:10:45

i have a friend just like this. she was to have picked me up at ten for coffee. after a few texts but none until she was already 45 mins late she eventually picked me up at 12. she told me she'd been for a run. i was thinking "i could have gone for a run too"....
the next time we arranged to meet i said "r u sure you will make it by then?". "we could meet later". she was still late but not by much.

ivanapoo Sun 31-Mar-13 23:12:14

I think you should bring it up, depending on how desperately apologetic they are tomorrow. Maybe when you get one of them on their own. Just say something along the lines of what you've said here.

slatternlymother Sun 31-Mar-13 23:15:45

ivana I doubt they will even bring it up. Even if they did the most it'd be would be 'oh, sorry about yesterday. Cup of tea?' They never apologise usually for lateness/flakiness, or if they do acknowledge it (the baby shower for instance), it's just shrugged off as no big deal. But I really take it to heart sad

HeathRobinson Sun 31-Mar-13 23:17:41

The first thing that occurred to me, was what your dh thought, they'd had a row.

ImagineJL Sun 31-Mar-13 23:18:16

I had a friend like this. I think you have to either end the friendship, or accept them as they are, because they're unlikely to consistently change if you bring the subject up. They may be on time the next couple of times, but they'll soon relapse.

If you want to maintain the friendship, I would suggest that you never take an arrangement with them as definite, so don't go to any trouble, or build other things around it. That way you won't have lost too much if they let you down.

slatternlymother Sun 31-Mar-13 23:20:11

Maybe I have to accept they don't value us as much as we do them?

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