AIBU to throttle DD???!!(467 Posts)
Roughly four hours later and I am still frothing at the mouth.
Backstory: DD is 4 years old, and she and her sister have received (too) many Easter eggs from school, family friends, various well-meaning relatives etc. Both had a Creme egg for a treat after dinner, and the rest of their haul of Easter eggs are living in the kitchen to be dished out as appropriate over the next year/eaten by me (seriously, there are a lot).
I come downstairs to get DD up for bathtime, and she has opened and eaten parts of five eggs, two of which she knew were not hers. There was chocolate in little bits all over the floor, some of which melted and it took ages to clean up.
When asked about it, DD lied to my face that it wasn't her, but eventually fessed up (her sister is innocent in this affair). I went absolutely batshit crazy at her, and I don't feel guilty. She was sneaky, greedy and she lied to my face. She knows better. DD was sent straight to bed, no bath, no story, cried for ages, now asleep.
I'm thinking that she gets no more Easter eggs; and also want to ban her from the iPad for the next week. DH is a bit of a softy, and reckons being shouted at and sent to bed was punishment enough.
DH thinks this is too harsh; my worry is that she will see it as a not a bad trade-off---snuck into Easter eggs, Mummy shouted a bit, but she still got chocolate. MN thoughts please??
I don't see any examples of mob mentality on this very long thread but on the contrary considered and often very personal responses from a range of people.
Most people have expressed concern for the little girl and have tried to offer some genuine advice to the OP.
I think people are still posting because it has struck a chord and also because the OP might still be reading and reflecting.
Do you NewMia. I don't. I suggest Rapunzel has some fairly deep rooted food issues.
It was Easter OP. You completely overreacted and I hope you have made up with your daughter. She's only a baby.
I agree with everything Rapunzel has written over the last few pages. Well said.
Oh dear I gave ds3 just turned 2 a whole button Easter egg and let him get on with it. He had a bit then got bored.
If he could have gotten his hands on more he would probably have opened all of them to see what they tasted like.
I think the punishment was a bit excessive, tell her off and make her give her sister some of hers back but leaving her to cry to sleep was cruel.
And just brush their teeth well after eating, Having too much chocolate at Easter is hardly going to ruin their teeth
Oh and everything toys said there ^
Th op seems to have gone, but just in case she reads this (and everyone else), here is some objective advice: It is extremely hard, if not impossible, for under 5 year olds to delay gratification and leave visible, unattended chocolate alone (this has been researched). If they are able to, they are either ahead in development in this aspect, or scared of the consequences. A child behaving age appropriately in thus aspect us not greedy.
Secondly, lying is not always about wanting to deceive. At that age, more times than not, it is about wishful thinking or simply a defensive reflex. The adult's role is to point out to the child that they might indeed wish that they hadn't done whatever, but that it is important to tell the truth and give reasons for it. When the child is older, they will be able to gradually understand. Calling a four year old a liar is very harsh and unnecessary. Potentially even damaging.
Incidentally, isn't fruit bad (in many cases worse than choc because of the acid) for the teeth as well? Surely you do not restrict fruit, op? Give chocolate, but brush teeth or offer gum afterwards- done!
Also I have to mention that my parents restricted my sweet intake very heavily mainly on account of tooth health. I see it as one of the contributing factors in my later anorexia and bulimia, because I became obsessed with sweets. I know others with the same history and conditions, so I would be just a bit more lenient if I were you.
rapunzel - it is a matter of fact that the op said she went bat shit crazy. That is not appropriate. At all. Therefore surmising whether she spent 3 hours watching tv or not before posting is all a bit meaningless.
Separately, it's human nature for people to comment or discuss something that they find shocking or upsetting. This is not mob mentality but because posters literally seem to feel that they can't walk away without comment as they are concerned for a little girl. What would you suggest, that MN only allows one response per thread to prevent this happening?!
The tooth thing is complete and utter tosh - my DH is a dentist and apparently '"inheriting" weak tooth enamel is extremely rare. I Tooth enamel can be compromised due to childhood illness but this is also pretty rare and the op would be aware of this. Instead most decay is caused by poor oral hygiene and diet. Doling out bits of chocolate over a longer period is actually less tooth kind than getting it over and done with in a shorter period. In any event, eating some extra chocolate that day is going to have no real effect on the child's teeth presuming that the op cleaned her teeth later (oh the irony if she didn't in her rage). It's systemic patterns that matter. All of this will have been explained by the dentist. I'm sure pretty much all of us on this thread know it - it's basic dental knowledge. You don't need a flippin' dental degree to know that what the OP is saying is self serving rubbish to try and justify a massive over reaction.
Rapunzul, far from accusing others of extrapulating to serve their own needs, you have done very well to do so yourself. How do you know that the OP spent hours doing something else rather than (in her own words) frothing for 4 hours?
Yes, 300 odd posters here are all following mov mentality. Cos we is all fick and we got nufink beta 2 to do Or perhaps it's a bunch of well meaning parents who are deeply concerned for the welfare of a 4 year old child - based on what her mother has written.
I have avoided mn for months. Mostly because most of what I usually read seems so trivial (sorry lovely MNers). But in this case the OP needs a swift kick up the arse to remember perspective. 4. year. old. child. easter. chocolate. nicks a bit. Remember? !
Rapunzul, Rapunzul. ..perhaps you've let your hair down too far and you're trying to be too all encompassin
I would have loved MN when my DCs were small and my husband 'departed'. I hope the OP here starts a new thread, maybe with a name change, and simply asks for advice and some friendly support (and banter - it's quite witty here, too). There would be loads of help.
Poor little girl
I can't imagine leaving a 4 year old to cry herself to sleep - it would break my heart.
Way OTT op. I'd love to say more...
Oooh! Jumped in after page 1. . now this is interesting. . .
You should maybe have let her gorge herself silly on day 1 and 2 then no rations necessary
I agree. I am a far better parent thanks to MN. I wish I had been on it when ds was smaller because I didn't have a clue then.
ChasingDogs, yy, I think I am a much calmer (and better) parent for finding this forum, and reading advice from so many other people.
People are concerned because either they remember being treated like that themselves as a small child and the effect it had on them (which is far more powerful than any words you could write about it), or they're looking at/remembering their own children at 4 YO and how devastating such an outburst and continued anger would have on them.
These are things which should be said as many times as people want to repeat them, it's not for you to say what people can talk about and when Rapunzel.
The OP isn't posting. That doesn't mean she isn't reading. Personally, I think that she fully deserves the lambasting she has received on this thread. She is an adult and can deal with it. She is not, for example, a 4 year old child.
I had an almost idyllic childhood, with the exception of my mother. She, like the OP, would fly off the handle at minor (and occasionally, completely invented) "naughty behaviour". Sadly it was due to MH issues. Even now she can be irrational and cruel. But we both now know that it is ill health that is at fault. Now that I'm an adult I can stand back and recognise that actually, I'm not a shitty human being, my Mum is just on one again.
I couldn't do that when I was little though. When I was being screamed at for "walking funny" into school. I was confused, frightened, and upset. I didn't have a fucking clue what she was on about.
Yes, at 4 a kid should be able to leave chocolate alone until it's allowed. But if you think it's never going to be allowed (cause you had one feckin cream egg on easter sunday) you'd be curious and want to open them up and try them.
The child is four. She was naughty in the same minor way that all little children are. Thinking that she is a sneaky, greedy, liar and being furious over a small incident like this is frankly abhorrent. So yes, sorry, in this case I am all for posters all pointing out the same, obvious message: You over reacted, your lack of remorse is worrying.
I wish a forum like this had pointed it out to my mum. My dad stepped in and did his best, but a bunch of outsiders saying "stop! this is nuts! it was one small mistake!" would have been invaluable.
The first line of her opening, original post is: Roughly four hours later and I am still frothing at the mouth.
When I'm on MN Rapunzel, I am part of a very loose group.
Not mob mentality, not trying to whip anything or anyone up, and we've all posted on the 'evidence' the OP decided was relevant to the questions she wanted to ask and to have answered.
She probably was in a strop when she was posting, but nothing in what she posted afterwards suggested she'd come out of that strop and had calmed down, she just got stroppy at posters instead.
That could make some people feel they have that loose connection with someone who may think it is reasonable to treat their child so harshly, and as other human beings that should concern us, and it's only right to try and help the OP understand just how unfair that is to a small 4 YO.
When I was four, my cousin and i ate all the chocolates off the christmas tree and then put the foil wrappers back on. We were found out and told that it was unfair that none of the other children would get any chocolate off the tree now because we'd eaten it, but no-one went apeshit at us and we certainly weren't left to cry ourselves to sleep. We were sheepish and very apologetic and no more was said about it, except to be reminded of it every christmas since then! We never did it again but it has turned into a fond family anecdote which reminds us all of big family Christmases and cheeky kids.
Nobody's perfect but you don't need to bully and humiliate your children to teach them right and wrong. love bombing and how not to fuck them up are good gentle parenting books OP.
Sure, or maybe she spent three hours watching tv, came to post and just thinking about it made her cross all over again. We don't know that she had been upset about it continually for four hours, because she didn't say.
This is what I mean about we have very few actual facts and parts of the narrative, but people are still posting about how her child needs to escape from her and she's showing signs the signs of emotional abuse and I think that's such a huge thing to say that I'm amazed people feel able to do so on so few actual facts. So I'm trying to work out why they do think they can say things like that.
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