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to think ex should be honest with his new gf

(18 Posts)
CastroIsDead Sun 31-Mar-13 20:44:23

split up with ex 6months ago we are still friends were for a long time before we got together 3.5year on and off relationship i have a ds 4yo. he said she will have to accept us as friends as he wants contact with my ds but she doesn't know im hs ex just his friend. . so she isn't really accepting the truth of the situation or how important my ds should be to him/how much imput he has had im worried that contact will stop and it will hurt my ds further down the line. don't know what im asking really thinking of letting contact be just ex an ds as i feel he is still taking up headspace don't know what im asking really all opinions welcome thanks

chickensaladagain Sun 31-Mar-13 20:52:04

Hard as it is, what he tells his new girlfriend is nothing to do with you and you cannot dictate who he sees or where he goes when it is his time with dcs

If he wants to mess up his new relationship you have to let him

chickensaladagain Sun 31-Mar-13 20:53:13

Oh hang in, is he ds's father? Because if not you can dictate

Fleecyslippers Sun 31-Mar-13 20:54:12

Is he your sons dad?

CastroIsDead Sun 31-Mar-13 20:58:12

no sorry that wasn't clear not the father but been there since ds was 6 months. im worried that if when she finds out she will not like it or think he had something to hide and further down the line she might have more power over the situation. i find honesty the best policy its not 1of his strong points but i can see why it would be a difficult conversation to have

EostreChaoticResurrEggtion Sun 31-Mar-13 21:02:43

So your ds is not your ex's son but your ex still wants contact. He hasn't told his new gf but you think he should tell her the truth now in case it comes out in the future, which it probably will do, and causes problems, ie, the gf not wanting ex to see ds.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sun 31-Mar-13 21:07:52

I think he owes it to his gf to tell her about your child.

She is under the impression that he does not have a child, which he doesn't. So to her she is none the wiser that he wants contact with a child that isn't his. What if the truth comes out and she's uncomfortable with it, because to her she has chosen a man who hasn't got children, but he wants to maintain contact with your ds as though he is the father?

I wouldn't like it.

CastroIsDead Sun 31-Mar-13 21:09:43

exactly eostre. sorry im not very clear. we went on a trip together yesterday and then today bumped into him and the new gf by chance so my head is spinning abit

digerd Sun 31-Mar-13 21:13:35

Does DS call him dad, or by his first name?

livinginwonderland Sun 31-Mar-13 21:16:01

so he isn't DS's father?

does he want contact with DS as though he is the father, or does he just want to see him casually?

HildaOgden Sun 31-Mar-13 21:20:33

I think you need to be very careful about why you want him to stay in your childs life.If its genuinely only because of their bond,then fair enough.But if you're harbouring hopes that DS will help being ex back to you,I think you should step back and just let his new relationship work out whatever way it is going to.

Don't stress yourself about what he is telling isn't your concern (neither is it your place to force him to tell her.

You sound like you're hurting,and I'm sorry about that x

CastroIsDead Sun 31-Mar-13 21:21:56

calls him first name. ds has regular contact with his df. its a casual thing about every 2weeks. does that make a difference to if the gf should know? just feel like it would be better if she knew he existed and what the relationship is rather than just 'my friends kid'.

CastroIsDead Sun 31-Mar-13 21:26:37

thanks everyone. hilda it is their bond they are close and we have been friends for a very long time. i probably am still bitter about the split but i would never ever get back together with him. i won't be forcing him to do anything. maybe if he can't be honest maybe hes not really committed to keeping contact long term

TheSecondComing Sun 31-Mar-13 21:28:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EostreChaoticResurrEggtion Sun 31-Mar-13 21:30:27's a tricky one. I think you're going to have to leave this one up to him to decide. I understand that it's not easy for you because you don't want your ds getting hurt but there's nothing really that you can do.

HildaOgden Sun 31-Mar-13 21:30:35

Or maybe he is just seeing how things go with her before he tells her everything?

I think you probably should brace yourself though,your child is 4 years old,I would say it's unlikely that Ex will keep up any significant contact for the rest of Ds's life.Im sorry if that sounds harsh,but I think it's true sad

crashdoll Sun 31-Mar-13 21:31:57

Maybe he's not committed then. I'd stay out of his new relationship and accept that things are just the way they are.

CastroIsDead Sun 31-Mar-13 21:41:29

thanks all. i think it is unlikely that contact will be long term although he has said he wants to do the right thing by ds and mutual friends have said i should give him more credit for that. i won't be saying he can't see him but won't be encouraging either which i haven't done all contact has been instigated by him so far. hard to know what to for the best

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