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to think MIL shouldn't teach DS that throwing a tantrum is how to get what he wants?

(181 Posts)
TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 18:53:35

A few things to set the context...

DS is three. I've been quite strict in what he eats - he's only had chocolate a handful of times (and the majority of those times were through nursery slip-ups) and until this year, we hadn't bought him an Easter egg. This is the first time I have actually bought and gave him chocolate.

Right, so this afternoon we went to the in-laws. Everyone knows DS isn't allowed chocolate/junk/etc. When we arrived, MIL and FIL said they'd bought DS an Easter egg - I said we'd already got him one, but thanks anyway, DH can eat it.

Later on, MIL decides to present the Easter egg to DS. I explained to DS that he already had half an Easter egg already today, and he can have the rest of the one we bought him later on when we get home. DS was a bit moany, but wasn't too bothered so I put the egg in my bag. MIL chirps in, asking where the Easter egg is, and said "DS you should say, 'I want my Easter egg!' and stamp your feet. Then Mummy will give it to you" hmm She didn't leave it at that, she started looking around for the Easter egg, continuing to encourage DS to throw a strop and saying "don't listen to Mummy, Grandma said you can have it". She only stopped when her mother gave her a stare and changed the topic to distract DS.

AIBU to think whether or not you agree with my parenting rules, you shouldn't try and show me up in front of DS and encourage him to rebel against me?

sweetmelissa Sun 31-Mar-13 19:08:42

She was pissed off you were giving it to your DH when she'd bought it for your DS. Is what I reckon.

Yes, I think you are right...I have to say had I been the MIL I would have been too. Of course as a parent you are 100% in control, but a thank you and he can have it later/in the coming days would have been a lovely thing for you to say, inspite of your views.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:10:16

I was joking when I said to them that DH would eat it, they could have kept it and scoffed it themselves for all I care...

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:11:24

But if I lied and said he'd have it later, surely they'd see through it? Or it would provoke a discussion about whether we'd changed the 'rules'? In which case, I'd have to admit that I was lying in the first place?!

Pandemoniaa Sun 31-Mar-13 19:11:24

YANBU to think that encouraging a tantrum was wrong but you were very rude to respond as you did in the first place. So it is difficult to know whether your MIL's behaviour was a direct response to your attitude.

PuppyMonkey Sun 31-Mar-13 19:11:44

Never joke about chocolate.grin

exoticfruits Sun 31-Mar-13 19:12:10

It is 6 of one and half a dozen of the other as far as I can see.

sweetmelissa Sun 31-Mar-13 19:12:39

I probably should have lied and accepted it gratefully, in hindsight. Perhaps I was just being too honest. They probably would know I was lying - nothing has changed over the three years, these have always been the rules. I don't know why she'd be offended/shocked/anything else.

Of course in hindsight it is much easier, but I do think that would have been for the best.

Maybe although she knows your views she thought a little extra chocolate one day a year would not be unacceptable.

Pandemoniaa Sun 31-Mar-13 19:13:00

I was joking when I said to them that DH would eat it, they could have kept it and scoffed it themselves for all I care...

Are you always so charmless?

PickledInAPearTree Sun 31-Mar-13 19:13:07

I can see some merit in not giving chocolate to really young kids till they know what it is and ask for it, but I wouldn't be unduly concerned about people buying eggs. DS is 2 and he's had eggs today last year at one he had loads I accepted them gratefully and scoffed the lot when he was in bed. Apart from a little bit. Mmmmmm. Hello eggs.

sneezecakesmum Sun 31-Mar-13 19:13:16

ffs lighten up. Its Easter. Its a holiday biscuit

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sun 31-Mar-13 19:14:39

I agree with sopund precious and I personally think you're creating a monster out of chocolate. In a couple of years, he'll be gorging at playdates where households have chocolate available.

I've had DC over play with mine and I always know the ones who have strict parents regarding food as they're the ones who raid the biscuit tin constantly and ask for more sweets when I give them some.

I've never been strict about choc etc and my DDs are fine...they are very relaxed about eggs today and have eaten one each. No nagging for more.

piprabbit Sun 31-Mar-13 19:17:36

You might not have cared, but it really wasn't about you was it? It was obviously important to your MIL and you could have chosen to be gracious instead of snubbing her gift to her DGC.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:18:00

Pandemoniaa sorry if I sound a bit bitter - being undermined constantly by MIL does wear thin after a while!

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:20:13

No piprabbit, you're right, it wasn't about me at all. But it wasn't about her either.

thistlelicker Sun 31-Mar-13 19:20:26

Could u not have politely reminded her you don't allow chocolate?? Personally a treat once in a while isn't a bad thing!!! Do u over indulge in chocolate yourself?? Is there a reason why child can't have chocolate or is it a general ban?

squeakytoy Sun 31-Mar-13 19:20:30

for gods sakes, its a chocolate egg, not a wrap of coke..

she shouldnt have tried to teaching him to have a tantrum, but considering how precious you sound, I dont really blame her..

exoticfruits Sun 31-Mar-13 19:20:34

It seems to me that you are very alike-both over controlling. You both need to lighten up. It was an Easter egg-easy to accept gracefully-regardless of what you did with it, in private, afterwards.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:22:14

thistlelicker, I did politely remind her... But later on she decided to get the egg out and hand it to DS. Surely that's undermining my parenting as it is, even before encouraging him to have a tantrum!

ll31 Sun 31-Mar-13 19:23:07

Think you were v rude to say your sh would eat it. You basically told her you'd given him choc but she could't, unnecessary. She was rude too.

I hope your pfb and his eating of choc remains your biggest problem.

DontmindifIdo Sun 31-Mar-13 19:24:03

Perhaps if you aren't able to be a convincing lier, a simple "thank you, I'll take this home with us." will do. Really, from your MIL's point of view, you used to ban chocolate, but now you have decided your DS can have a bit. However rather than just saying "we're rationing it out over the next couple of weeks" which would be acceptable to most grandparents, you've instead basically said your DS is allowed chocolate, but only if you buy it. That seems odd, it's not like you are saying "he can't have a load on one day" you are saying "he can only have chocolate I've chosen"

It's normal for grandparents to buy easter eggs for DGC who are allowed chocolate, it's also normal for parents to ration that chocolate out over the next couple of months - I can't believe you didn't think it was a possiblity your DS would be given eggs by people other than you. You've made it hard for yourself by allowing some chocolate but not others.

Uppermid Sun 31-Mar-13 19:25:09

To be honest I think you need to get a grip and stop being so precious. Would you have reacted the same way if it was your mum? Is there history between you and your mil?

However saying all that, I'm amazed that you really need to ask your original question. Of course she shouldn't do that, but then you shouldn't allow her to get away with it, call her out on it at the time, or if you don't want to do in in front of your child/everyone else, take her to one side and tell her that its unacceptable.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:25:21

I don't think this is about the chocolate egg per se - I mean, everyone has different things their children are/aren't allowed. Surely others should respect that?

PickledInAPearTree Sun 31-Mar-13 19:25:22

What did you refuse it? Could you not just have put it away at home for another occassion though?

Or was she encouraging him to actually eat it right there?

If you refused it totally, that's a bit mean to be fair.

hobnobsaremyfave Sun 31-Mar-13 19:26:02

Please god I don't end up with a dil like you one day.

DontmindifIdo Sun 31-Mar-13 19:27:11

BTW - her rudeness is no in question, but you don't seem to get how rude you were first.

She was undermining you, she was being rude, but you could still have acted with grace in a way that gave you the moral high ground. I bet if yo'ud smiled, thanked her and said it was reserved for later once he'd eaten the one he's already opened, she'd have behaved better. If you start off being rude, you get people's backs up, particularly people you know are difficult - don't give them ammnuition or an excuse.

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