To ask DH to come home?

[cheapskatemum]

He's been working abroad for 14 months now and I've seen him 6 times 3 x 2 weeks (eg at Christmas) and 3 weekends. When he left DSs were aged 19, 17, 16 and 13. His previous job had been abroad, but he'd been home every other weekend. When he lost that job he was out of work for 3 months so we were glad when this one came up, but didn't realise how rarely we'd see one another. He has now lost this job and I've asked him to please come home, rather than stay abroad looking for another one, or taking another foreign contract. He's angry about it. It's about the one demand I've made on him in the 28 years we've been together. Additional information: I would love to join him on a married foreign contract, but DS2 has severe SN that just can't be met in the countries he's worked in recently. His behaviour would be increasingly challenging without our regular contact. DS1 has had recent difficulties with substance abuse (MNers may remember from Teenagers section). I feel I need my DH back and they need their Dad.

[EllaFitzgerald]

Not unreasonable at all, you're dealing with quite a lot all by yourself and it's understandable that you want him home to help and support you.

Could it be that he's worried about finding work in your area? Perhaps that's why he's angry?

[AgentZigzag]

YANBU to want to spend time with the DH you've known for 28 years, and he should be happy you still feel like that after so long.

Is he trying to escape a bit and that's what's worrying you?

Or do you suspect he's putting the money and work above your feelings.

You're not being unreasonable though.

[gertrudestein]

YANBU. No wonder you miss him and would like to see him more. What does he do for a living?

[AgentZigzag]

I wonder what the angry reaction is all about?

I could understand him being anxious about where the money is going to come from and want to provide for his family, but why would you wanting him back home make him angry?

[livinginwonderland]

not unreasonable, but what's his career? does he have a lot of options here in the UK, or would he be taking a massve pay cut to come back home?

saying that, i wouldn't be happy in a marriage where i barely saw my partner - it's the main reason i could never date someone in the military, it's just not for me. why is he so angry?

[Nancy66]

As others have said - not unreasonable but is he in a profession where work in the Uk is available.

My DP's work is nearly all overseas but that's because his industry pretty much doesn't exist in the UK

[JustinBsMum]

What is your financial situation? Can he afford to be home and no job?

[cheapskatemum]

Thanks all. He has been working in the waste industry, but is a Civil Engineer by profession. Hugely transferrable skills, but think he doesn't want the pay cut, increased tax etc. Anger may come from a previous conversation when I was trying to explain to him what it was like for me in the community I live in without him here. I mentioned that other men approach me.

[ImperialBlether]

Are you living in the UK, OP? It sounds as though you have an awful lot to deal with and there's no doubt that an absent husband/father really must make things worse for you.

Is his reluctance to come home purely due to money, or do you think there's anyother, more sinister, reason?

[ENormaSnob]

I find it very odd that he won't come home despite him now having no job wherever he is

[cheapskatemum]

Yes, I'm in UK. I can't seem to get him to see that I have a lot to put up with. In the lead up to my request, I asked him what he was investing in our marriage and he simply said money. I asked him how he felt our marriage was and he said he was hoping to make it better this holiday (I am currently visiting him, along with 3 of DSs). In the end I said I wanted him to come home, or I would leave him. He pointed out this was unreasonable, what if he couldn't get a job at home, so I retracted the ultimatum, but he still wasn't happy.

[maddening]

Why can't he do his jobsearch both within the uk and abroad from your home? Surely having two family bases is a higher expenditure burden as 2x rent/mortgages and bills etc

Plus you need him and your marriage needs his presence even for a few months while he is jobless?

[cheapskatemum]

Yes, thanks, Maddening. That's what I thought too about job searching from home. Now I'm with him in the country he's been working in, I can appreciate that it is going to take a few weeks to extricate himself. For example, everything is tied in with his mobile phone number (electricity bills, satellite TV etc) and he has handed his SIM card back to the company, so now has a different phone number! Also, his company are still paying some of his bills, as part of his notice agreement, so I can see the point of him staying here to tie up loose ends.

We have come to a compromise (quite an achievement for us!). He had a flight home booked for 2nd May to spend Bank Holiday at home - also 3 of DSs birthdays fall at beginning of May, including an 18th and a 21st. Since we're here until 13th April, I can easily cope with that. He will stay in UK after that rather than return to where he was working. He will prioritise jobs based in UK/Europe in his search, even if they pay less. I'll remind him of the good times we had in that 3 month period he spent at home last time he was jobless.

Imperialblether - I don't think there's a more sinister reason for him wanting to stay abroad, but then I am considered quite naive! I think he just finds the humdrum reality of family life quite difficult to deal with.

Thank you all for your comments, I'm so glad you agree INBU. DH has a habit of getting DSs (those that can speak) on board and it can skew ones viewpoint at times!

[JustinBsMum]

Can you also make life easier for yourself when at home alone eg cleaner, babysitter, childminder.
Sounds like your DH is a bit of a workaholic, but they see it as them doing it for the family rather than doing it for themselves (the long hours).
My DH worked away alot and I saw it as my 'job' to look after home and dcs uncomplainingly (he didn't complain about work). Now realise I should have done what helped me, eg getting out more, and made life easier and more fun for myself.

[BegoniaBampot]

Where is he OP? Some countries are more attractive to men than others.

[WafflyVersatile]

there is more to happy families than money. Sounds like he just prefers avoiding the more difficult bits of being part of his family by telling himself that money is more important than his time and physical support. Or he thinks he is good at earning money but bad at offering emotional practical support at home.

For you it is more important to have physical support than more money. Civil engineers aren't exactly on minimum wage in this country are they? You'd not be poor, and presumably you'd put some of this extra cash away as savings and security rather than expand your lifestyle to use up the extra money he can earn abroad?

[BegoniaBampot]

There is a danger living apart like this. One or both sides can end up liking it too much. Know men who use the excuse of providing a good living for their family to really enable them to live a life they enjoy away from the family without feeling they have abandoned them. They often present it as their sacrifice for their family when they are actually perfectly happy about the situation.

[cheapskatemum]

Yes, yes, yes and he's in Dubai. DSs are old enough to look after themselves now, except for DS2, because of his SN. Every now and then other DSs can care for him and I do have a cleaner. So, now DSs are older I am able to get out more, hence meeting other men. However, you are right about the workaholism. Ironically, DH did used to complain about the job - a lot - but it was still better than no job. WafflyV I agree with everything you say. I actually believe money is making us less happy, but I am in the minority with that in this family. BB, I think there's truth in this too. Much of the time I'm also happy doing my own thing, but as WV surmises, I miss both physical and emotional support from DH and I'm worried I'll start seeking it elsewhere.

[WafflyVersatile]

Dunno, I guess you can try to find a way to talk to him about this without it being accusatory and him getting defensive and there are lots of different approaches you can take and methods you could use.

eg you could put all your thoughts and feelings in an email and ask that he gives them consideration before replying or talking in person, so that he's not put on the spot or you could wait til you see him in person and bring it up then having put aside plenty of time alone to discuss it.

You could declare that your marriage is on the line and that crisis talks are required now, and that if he cares about the marriage he will give the talk you need priority over jobhunting and get himself home.

You could talk reassuringly to him about how his presence here is valued and important to you and your DS2 and other DC. About how he is missed. About how much you look forward to and miss sexytimes etc. talk about things you've done and enjoyed when he's been home, occasions when his support has been of value when he's been here. How you think he is a good father for providing but also when he is here in other, more tangible ways.

You could talk candidly about your feelings that prolonged continued separation could lead to the marriage ending and how much you don't want that to happen. ,being careful to concentrate on how you feel rather than what he's doing wrong and at fault for working abroad.

Lots of other ways. I can't know what approach might work best.

[JustinBsMum]

Waffly, OP has already come to an agreement with DH.

[cheapskatemum]

No knowing whether he'll stick to it though!