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easter gifts

(21 Posts)
pukka84 Sun 31-Mar-13 13:02:17

Now i feel mil favours dd. She makes it clear in my eyes re the way she talks and behaves around them. I
Also feel she puts more effort into gifts for dd.
I apologise as I have posted about this before but I have just discovered something which I feel changes things.
She got dd 2 thoughtful craft sets and a lovely easter egg.
Ds got a much smaller nice egg and more basic chocolate and a maths book. This book was aimed at his age just. (even though she knows he is working a year above).
At this stage mn jury told me I was being oversensitive. Fair enough.
However ds is now in tears because the book is clearly 2nd hand. The 1st fe pages have been completed in pen.
AIbu to be cross with mil and sad for ds.

RedHelenB Sun 31-Mar-13 13:03:55

How old is ds & dd?

DeepRedBetty Sun 31-Mar-13 13:08:11

yanbu. no granny should ever differentiate in size of easter egg. I don't have an issue about second hand presents, but not if the present has been damaged, and writing in books counts as damage.

Latara Sun 31-Mar-13 13:09:48

YANBU to be upset. I know my Mum was in a situation where her grandmother favoured her brother over her, so it does happen.

It's weird & i don't understand it but some people do have 'favourites' - as adults though it's not right to show that she prefers your DD. She should hide her feelings and treat both children equally.

It maybe time for you & DP to speak to her about this; say ''we appreciate DD's gifts, but DS is upset that his book was second-hand'' - see how she reacts then take the conversation from there.

pukka84 Sun 31-Mar-13 13:11:29

Dd is 9. Ds is 7
Thank you. I felt that 2nd hand bit was crossing the line.

marriedtoagoodun Sun 31-Mar-13 13:18:12

9 and 7 is old enough for this to hurt. It would also be nice for you and your son if she was able to take pride in his acievements and show that by buying him a book a little above his age and then making a big fuss of 'I know from Mummy you are clever enough to attempt this'. Secondhand and written in is not on. Secondhand is fine. I do know however that you will go mad trepeating 'she could have just done this' in your head as she will not change. It is up to you to decide whether to say something to her, along the lines of 'I am so grateful for the gifts you get the children - they love them - but...' or if you keep quiet and just accept the staus quo.

My nan (who I loved) gave my brother pocket money every week as, a man needs money in his wallet, but only gave me money/gifts at Christmas and Birthdays - 30 odd years later it still hurts.

pukka84 Sun 31-Mar-13 13:23:09

Its an activity book so is of course meant to be written in. I am going to get tippex to sort it out. Played it down with ds but mad inside.

Plumsofgold Sun 31-Mar-13 13:23:30

Yanbu what a horrible woman. Who is going to speak to her about it? You or your DH?

Startail Sun 31-Mar-13 13:24:01

My Nan used to think all younger DCs were spoilt (her younger DS was, but there were 8 years and a war between him and my Dad. Grandpa was back from the RFA with technical qualifications and a much better job.)

My parents didn't spoil DSIS nor uncle his younger DD, but nan would still try and favour me and her older brother to 'redress' the balance.

It was only little things, but my DSIS did notice and I bet my youngest cousin did too.

She wouldn't be told, even if I very pointedly gave my sister half of extra pocket money in front of her.

Mostly she was a lovely lady, but occasionally she got ideas in her head that wouldn't shift.

I wish you luck OP, but I do not bet you will succeed.

Startail Sun 31-Mar-13 13:24:41


pukka84 Sun 31-Mar-13 13:26:33

Dh will.

landofsoapandglory Sun 31-Mar-13 13:31:14

YANBU. Your poor DS. I would call her on it, it isn't fair and shouldn't be allowed.

My mum treats my sister's DC differently to mine. We hardly speak now. She admits doing it, but won't say why, I have asked I was told to 'fuck off'! DNiece got a car when she passed her drving test, DS1 didn't even get a 'well done,' DNicec got £150 for her 18th, DS1 got £20! They have had holidays abroad, in this country, trips out, meals out, theatre trips you name it!

The ironic thing is my mother still bleats about the time 40 years ago, my gran knitted my sister and I a jumper but not my brother (who hated wooly things because they made him itch)!

Kansas Sun 31-Mar-13 13:31:15

YANBU at all. How horrible for DS.

I'd be vetting gifts from Gran from now on. If she won't allow you to see what she's giving them (or it's hugely unequal again) maybe make sure you have back up presents for DS and add them onto his gift from Gran. I don't care if that sounds ungrateful or embarrasses her.

And then say to Gran "Oh gosh it's good I had that extra gift to add on for DS! Did you leave his others at home? Only DD has significantly more than him."

I couldn't allow one child think they were more thought of than the other. Hope you and DS are ok?

uncongenial Sun 31-Mar-13 13:34:50

Yanbu about the eggs. Though is it possible she didn't realise the book was damaged?

OxfordBags Sun 31-Mar-13 13:47:57

Nope, both children should always be treated the same. Hell, both sets of my GPs always bought all their GC identical eggs , even though we might individually have preferred a different one and even though they knew that, just to not appear to have favourites.

BruisedFanjo Sun 31-Mar-13 15:35:38

My MIL is like this. All her other GK and DSS get tons - and she spends most her time running around after them, they get sleepovers every week, always a little something in the handbag for them. DPs sister does too, all the nieces and nephews and DSS get tons yet DD gets left out. Never invited on the day trips, never gets the big presents, and when we asked if MIL could look after DD whilst I worked, she said she would - if we paid her!

I gave up eventually. Fuck the lot of them. Its a bit harsh for DD to see DSS going off to Nana's every week for the sleepover with all the cousins etc, but we don't let them in our house, and we keep them apart as much as possible. We also make sure DD spends as much time with my side of the family as possible to make up for it, and they all love and spoil her.

Thing is, my DD is DPs as well, its not like they don't see her as family if she was mine by another man or something, she's related to them exactly the same as DSS and the cousins!

Have it out with her. She either changes or fucks off. Life's too short to waste on people like that, and as all the posters who have favourtism like this haunting them years later show, it really is a big deal and it will hurt your children.

pukka84 Sun 31-Mar-13 18:59:34

Sadly there is very little family on my side. Both my parents have passed away. I do have a brother who loves them dearly but he lives overseas.

pukka84 Sun 31-Mar-13 19:00:37

At least dh is going to speak to her. Not sure how it will pan out.

Helpexcel Sun 31-Mar-13 20:35:36

My mil is like this, favours ds.
I spoke to dh about it and he eventually (took more than one attempt) had a word with her about treating them all the same.
At the moment, she is 'behaving' but she will show her colours again soon I'm sure of it. At that point, I will speak to her or get dh to speak to her again.
She favours dh out of her her children, so perhaps it's normal to her.
Is your dh's siblings more favoured than dh would you say?

pukka84 Sun 31-Mar-13 22:57:40

Come to think of it his sister probably is compared to him and his brother.

pukka84 Thu 04-Apr-13 22:40:44

An update.
I ended up mentioning it. She had brought it new awhile ago. Think dd must have written in it when visiting mil's previously.
She does however know ds was upset.
Not sure if this makes it better or worse.

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