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AIBU and over reacting

(79 Posts)
InNeedOfBrandy Sun 31-Mar-13 10:55:38

Quite stressed ATM anyway and trying not to take it out on the dc. Ds (5) was acting up all day yesterday, (things like dipping his green beans in his drink at the table then when I had took the water away from him 5 minutes later he was trying to sneak his drink back which if I hadn't seen would of tipped my wine everywhere) he eventually got sent to bed early as I just couldn't cope with his not listening. He broke my lamp, opened 3 more bags of crisps after I told him he could have one and stuff like that.

Anyway had a chat last night about listening to me again and what happens when he doesn't. He understands I think. Till this morning when I'm in the bath he says he's hungry can he have more cereal, well that's fine help yourself and he takes my cereal. He knows that the curiously cinnamon squares are mine and not anybody else's, he did this yesterday as well and I'm really not happy. They both choose a cereal each when they're other one runs out plus there's usually Cheerios shreddies and frostys so why the hell is he taking mine! I might be slightly unreasonable about this as after all it is only cereal but the slyness of him sneaking it has really pissed me off.

ATM I've told him I'm not happy and I'm really considering not taking him to the party we're going to later. I am also thinking about making him give me a pound out his money box? Or AIBU and over reacting over a bowl of cereal.

Apileofballyhoo Tue 02-Apr-13 01:58:29

Hi Brandy I'm sorry things are difficult for you. Don't worry so much about their behaviour and more about how all of you can be happier. Happy Mum equals happy DCs. You sound like you're doing a hard job well. Maybe don't try to control everything so much - did it matter if he was 5 minutes later in the bath? I find if I try and have less of an agenda things are a bit easier but if I get all upset about wanting to have dinner at 5 or something I will be cross with DS when he doesn't have the same aim and delays leaving the park - but it could be bedtime and the long drawn out story when I get really annoyed because that got pushed back later/I'm more tired and stressed... it's not easy.

Kids just don't see things from our perspective. I am constantly explaining 'if we don't do this now, we can't have that later'. I think it's starting to sink in. So if you eat the lollipop, you won't have time to play in the bath b4 bedtime, or bath will run late, no time for story. Sometimes I just explain that things upset me because I don't like them. Possessions I explain if they get broken we may not be able to replace them. If I get cross I try and explain that (i didn't want your toy to get broken) though now he says 'i think you're just tired Mummy'. I don't really bother with punishments tbh. We used to do naughty step. I do get cross (usually if I am tired!) I ask him not to make me cross when he is not doing what I ask, because we'll both end up upset, and again explaining I don't actually like being angry with him and that neither of us will end up winners. And pick your battles. It's not worth it.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Mon 01-Apr-13 13:25:38

If this was a stepmum posting this thread she would get a right old pasting.

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 01-Apr-13 13:14:44

I know I read that thread this morning, she sounds like how my mum used to be and not who I want to be even though I can see parts of my behaviour towards them in that. sad

thanks for your time to keep posting rindercella I am definatly going to push myself to be more positive towards the both of them. They are actually really good children that you could take anywhere I'm forever getting compliments about how well brought up they are, I just need to stop being a bitch. My mums house growing up was the type where you'd walk around on eggshells and never laugh and I don't want dc to have the same sort of memories as me.

Rindercella Mon 01-Apr-13 11:59:20

Brandy, there's another thread going on at the moment, which makes incredibly sad reading. It's about the OP's reaction to her 4 year old daughter being a little bit naughty (nicking some Easter eggs). There is a massive difference between your responses. You are so obviously prepared to listen and to take advice and to try and make it better for all of you. That can only be a good thing.

It is so difficult being a single parent at times. I hate that I am the only one who can ever discipline the DDs. I also hate that they have no-one to run to if we've had a fall out. It's had for us Brandy, but it's also hard for them - probably harder in fact.

My 5 year old DD does know exactly what buttons to press to wind me up, but it is up to me as the adult not to rise to them. I'm not always successful, but I have worked on it and do my best to ignore it when she starts. She can go on and on and on at me, just to get a reaction. Once I took myself away from her - to get some space between us and I went to my bathroom and locked the door. She followed me, screaming. And then she picked the lock! I couldn't help but laugh.

My advise really is to put temptations (crisps, your cereal, etc) out of his reach. Pick your battles. Ignore behaviour you know he is doing specifically to wind you up. Distract, distract, distract. And reward his good behaviour.

It is brilliant he is so good at school btw. Good luck with it all.

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 01-Apr-13 11:34:08

You don't see bad table manners as any issue?

NynaevesSister Mon 01-Apr-13 10:28:57

I don't see the problem if he eats and drinks it all and isn't making a mess why not dip beans in water? DS went thru stage of dipping chips in milk. He liked it and is that terribly different to dipping them in sauce? It wasn't like he wasted either and he didn't drip milk everywhere. He just liked the taste. I found it a disgusting mix myself but is that a good eneough reason to tell him not to do it - because it is food I wouldn't mix?

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 01-Apr-13 10:13:14

He does constantly push wanabe every single day. I do think it's me though as he behaves perfectly in school and is always coming home with good behaviour letters.

wannaBe Mon 01-Apr-13 09:56:22

children who constantly push boundaries and never listen and just do what they want consistently time after time after time are enough to drive anyone over the edge. Don't tell me none of you have never just snapped whe your kids have been playing up consistently for days and then do something which in the scheme of things is small but added to everything else just is a step too far.

I would have taken the water away too after he had been warned. would have been annoyed about the crisps but ds isn't allowed to help himself to stuff like that he has to ask first, so if he'd then taken three packets I would have been none too impressed.

Children need too lern boundaries, and if they refuse to do so they need to face consequences. I probably wouldn't take money from him but I might be inclined to reconsider the party on the basis he just refuses to listen, but I might give him one more chance ie "if I have to tell you again there will be no party...."

neverputasockinatoaster Mon 01-Apr-13 09:48:54

Hallelujah I love that idea!

InNeedOf Brandy - you sound pretty stressed.

I think sometimes we get caught up in the little things that we only see the negative - I have certainly bee guilty of that at times.

Then we need to step back and start looking for the good things - like you did at the party. Keep revisiting how good it felt to be proud of them.

mummytime Mon 01-Apr-13 09:37:36

BUT you handled the Lolly incident well. Just keep trying the " minimal attention" and straight forward consequence approach, and hopefully, it will stop happening so much. Also try to give lots of attention whenever he does something right.
It feels weird but does work after a while.

I also think all kids go through a "naughty" stage at about 5. Mine all did.

Do have somewhere and something you can do to destress, a cup of tea and a magazine, in a different room from the kids while they watch a DVD can do it. Or 20 minutes of an exercise video.

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 01-Apr-13 09:14:22

Thank you rindercella yes I'm on my own and always the bad guy.

Trouble sounds fun but my ds is bad enough behaved as it is without doing more smile

Apileofballyhoo Sun 31-Mar-13 23:53:29

Hallelujah that's brilliant. I see my DS might get trouble in future. I've already taught him to have a good whinge. Which he feels quite happy after. smile

HallelujahHeisRisen Sun 31-Mar-13 23:44:31

when mine are niggly and annoying like that... they get "trouble" sometimes "big trouble" ds likes trouble so much he sometimes asks for trouble even when he has not been annoying... hmm

trouble comes in 3 varieties:
kissy trouble (for dd)
tickle trouble(for ds) (and occasionally dd)
and big trouble raspberries (mainly ds)

it eases the tension and stops you throttling the little buggers helps everyone get out of the rut of niggling/whining/snapping/grumbling grin

Rindercella Sun 31-Mar-13 23:17:56

Bloody well done Brandy for staying calm this evening.

Are you by yourself with the children or do you have a partner? I know that I find it tough sometimes as it's just me and I hate the one who always has to be the bad guy with my DDs.

InNeedOfBrandy Sun 31-Mar-13 21:15:43

I know but instead of massively over reacting at his smirking I did just let it go and carried on. Normally as well as making him put it in the bin I would be shouting my head off and of sent him straight to bed, so quite happy I stayed calm.
Does really annoy me though as he could of had his cake/chocolate/biscuits/other sweets in the bag but the one thing I told him not to have he has to have urgh.

onwardbound Its not the misdemeanors in themselves that annoy me or make me cross and over react, it's carrying on when I have took it off him/told him to stop, so not the fact he dipped the beans in his water it was that he tried to take the water back after I had took it off him to carry on dipping the bloody beans if that makes sense.

QuickLookBusy Sun 31-Mar-13 20:17:52

Oh Brandy that's a shame. He should have listened to you about the lolly.

BUT you said you had a good time the rest of the day, which is brilliant. It will take a while but keep going with all the positive stuff. He will get the message in the ended that if he behaves he gets lots of attention. Tomorrow's another day!x

InNeedOfBrandy Sun 31-Mar-13 18:41:50

Well we had a lovely day, I made sure to stress how nice the party had been and how good they had both been and what lovely behaviour and sharing went on. Get home ds straight away opens his party bag I say don't eat the lolly as your getting in the bath now and I go into the bathroom to run the bath come back to the living room and he's eating the lolly! I say calmly ds what did I tell you and he said not to eat the lolly and smiled at me and put the lolly back into his mouth! angry so I told him to put the lolly in the bin. Why can he not just listen angry

Apileofballyhoo Sun 31-Mar-13 15:43:41

OP you sound very stressed and need a huge break. Your DS sounds like he needs you to have a break too. I understand you want him to be obedient but you sound excessively angry with him for not listening. There is something bigger going on here than some crisps and cereal. Do you get any chill out time? Is something making you feel like you are being treated unfairly? is your life very stressful? I find when I am feeling low/stressed/exhausted something small my DS (also 5) does seems terrible - straws, camels, backs etc. Your DS is still very little. Take care of yourself and him. He is only a child.

OnwardBound Sun 31-Mar-13 13:54:07

OP, that sort of naughtiness like dipping green beans in water, nicking an extra packet of crisps or stealing some forbidden cereal was the sort of misdemeanour that would make my father irate and decide on punishment as a way of justifying his anger... if he was this angry it was because we had made him angry and thus deserved punishment iyswim.

He would do things like withhold pocket money [rarely gave any pocket money anyway so we barely noticed it hmm], or decided we weren't to go to a birthday party, or would go to bed without dinner, or take our bedroom door off the hinges for any 'backchat' or somesuch...

Oh yes, he was a bundle of laughs our Dad growing up. I am 40 yo now and have still not forgotten how unreasonable and OTT he was.

Don't let that happen between you and your DS OP!

Poppykat1 Sun 31-Mar-13 13:38:45

I have just switched back to the yasmin pill as i was angry, grumpy, depressive full of rage on Mercilon!
After 2 months only Can honestly say i feel a million times happier resulting in dd being happier and not walking on eggshells around me!
Can totally sympathise with your situation smile

KatieScarlett2833 Sun 31-Mar-13 13:33:21

My DS used to love bran flakes as a child and shreddies.
Weirdo wink

maddening Sun 31-Mar-13 13:29:39

Get shredded wheat instead - no child in their right mind would steal shredded wheat.

Don't take money off him - that is silly and a bad pattern to get into. And don't refuse to take him to the party - you are punishing him for your own moodiness if you do that. Other than the crisps, he really hasn't done anything 'naughty' imho.

Don't leave crisps and cereal lying around where he can just take them. I must admit, my children never used to just help themselves to anything as it is (imho) better that they are taught to ask for things, which they might then get or not as I choose. I don't think it's good for 5 year olds to just be able to grab food whenever.

5 year olds knocking stuff over is just part of their job!

KobayashiMaru Sun 31-Mar-13 13:07:49

I have my own cereal too, thats not weird. The sprogs have about 8 different kinds, I only eat one type and its all mine!

I wouldn't stop him going to the party, thats OTT, but I might only let him have the most boring cereal for a day or two. Even children that youg need to to learn to respect others and their property.

Rindercella Sun 31-Mar-13 13:03:48

ahem, easy on him...I have no idea what eady is!

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