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To think my friend should visit ME?

(20 Posts)
Ediblemushrooms Sun 31-Mar-13 10:49:22

AIBU and WWYD please?

A very old friend ( 30 years friendship) and me live 40 miles apart. For most of our friendship I have tended to visit her (in London). Sometimes this was because I needed to be there, other times it was especially to see her.

When she has come to visit me, she has always had to rush back for something- a class, her dog, her mother, another meeting later that day with another friend. I always felt she was visitng reluctantly.

Now for almost 9 months she has been having counselling with a counsellor i recommended in my town. When I suggested she saw this person X, I told her I didn't expect her to see me every time- so not to feel obliged or under pressure, because she was very emotional ( hence seeing counsellor.)

In the time she's seen her, she has suggested 1 meeting- which I had to cancel - but she didn't want to re- schedule. Her reasoning is she is too emotional after counselling.

A few weeks ago she was in my town on my birthday. she phoned me at the end of the day- but had not suggested meeting.

I feel hurt TBH. Last week she suggested we should meet up soon- and I know that means she expects me to take the train to see her at the cost of £25. I work, she doesn't. I have kids, she doesn't. She's a millionaire, I'm not.

When she suggests we meet, I feel like saying fine, let's arrange it for when you are here already. I know she's duck out.

Any ideas?

LindyHemming Sun 31-Mar-13 10:52:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuietNinjaTardis Sun 31-Mar-13 10:54:23

Tbh I wouldn't expect to see her after counselling as she would be emotionally exhausted I would imagine. But yanbu to expect her to visit you at other times.

Cherriesarelovely Sun 31-Mar-13 10:56:44

Seems mad if she can afford it, you can't and she is frequently in town anyway. Yanbu.

Ediblemushrooms Sun 31-Mar-13 11:00:48

I agree with the emotionally exhausted at the start of her counselling, to an extent. But that was 9 months ago. It's not so intense now.

It would work to have a coffee beforehand if she slightly re-organised her day. I am actually REALLY hurt that she was 2 miles down the road on my birthday and she didn't even say she was sorry we couldn't meet, but she was pushed for time or whatever.

So if she calls me and suggests we meet up- what's the best reply?

LetMeAtTheWine Sun 31-Mar-13 11:06:35

You could still suggest she comes to you, she doesn't have to only visit after she has been to counselling.

Ediblemushrooms Sun 31-Mar-13 11:10:38

I know. I just feel she does so reluctantly. In the past when she has come she's always zoomed off early- she is godmother to one of my DCs and she never even used to wait to see them when they came home from school. There was always some reason why she had to get home ( and my kids are not monsters if that's what you're thinking!)

She's very self centred.

Doha Sun 31-Mar-13 11:14:28

" A meet up would be wonderful, when are you planning on coming?" If she suggests you visit a simple "sorry that doesn't work for me" and if you get no further than that well you can see it is all about her and the friendship is all take and no give.

Ediblemushrooms Sun 31-Mar-13 11:16:18


LetMeAtTheWine Sun 31-Mar-13 11:27:43

When you invite her over ask if she can stay until a particular time
so the kids can see her as well?

maddy68 Sun 31-Mar-13 11:28:38

Why not invite her for lunch. She probably thinks you prefer to go to London if that's that you've always done. It's a habit thing. And she probably isn't at yours reluctantly. Perhaps she really does have to get back for her dog etc.
or maybe she feels uncomfortable around your children. When I was childless I didn't like being around other people's children. Just because you find then adorable not everyone else does.
When you visit her do leave them behind?

Ediblemushrooms Sun 31-Mar-13 11:32:18

My kids have left home- they are adults now. I was talking history!

Latara Sun 31-Mar-13 12:51:48

She does sound self-centered to me. My friends & i take it in turns to visit each other (which does mean i have to get a bus but they drive - but fair's fair).

Say to her, ''i'd love you to come to my house then we can go into town for a coffee'' - if she says no, then ask if there's a reason as you haven't seen her at your house for a while (ok, ages).

OxfordBags Sun 31-Mar-13 13:28:08

She does sound self-centred, but you do sound a bit clueless about what counselling entails for the client. She might feel very anxious, churning with stuff she needs to bring up before the session and similarly churning, possibly tearful, after the session. Also, it's very ignorant to say that it won't be as intense after 9 months. Unless she has said that she is reaching the end of counselling, it will get more and more intense as it goes on, as they dig deeper and more painfully.

formicaqueen Sun 31-Mar-13 13:38:30

Can you invite her's to yours for a meal on a certain date?

Ediblemushrooms Sun 31-Mar-13 14:45:27

Thanks for the suggestions

Oxford am not clueless about counselling. Had it myself. There's no way I'd have not offered to meet a good friend on their birthday for an hour before or after- it would seem too precious to say Oh I'm just too upset."
It's self centred IMO. I'm not expecting to see her every week- but once in the 9 months would have been realistic surely? Ironically I suggested counselling !

wildfig Sun 31-Mar-13 16:52:12

If she was going to a beauty salon in your town every month for a spray tan, then yes, YWNBU to expect her to suggest a coffee while she's there. But I think YABU to expect her to fit a birthday visit in around counselling, presumably about a matter that is a continuing issue for her. Since she knows you know why she's in the area on those occasions, she probably assumes you'd be sensitive about her needing some space before and afterwards. I had a friend who lived near my driving lessons - she never expected me to drop in, because she knew I'd be a bag of nerves before, and a gibbering wreck after.

I agree with the suggestions about making a totally separate invitation, maybe even halfway between the two of you, so she can make arrangements for her dog, for one thing. You shouldn't leave a dog for more than 4 hours, and at least two of those will be spent driving to and from your house - it isn't an excuse to get away early, it's as much of a commitment as having to get home for the school run.

OxfordBags Sun 31-Mar-13 16:58:04

Oh, I do think she is being self-centred, but I did already say that in my first comment. I personally would not be able to see a friend before or after my counselling; you really cannot judge what she could cope with by what you could cope with. I think she is being selfish to expect you to always travel to see her, yes, but not so selfish for her not to see you on counselling days. I think you need to extricate her crappiness in seeing you in general from the whole visiting a counsellor in your town aspect. She's not going to be on sparkling form on such a day and also, just because she is in your vicinity does not make her behoven to see you. You did say she shouldn't feel obliged or pressurised to see you - so I'm afraid you have to stand by what you said. If you secretly feel she should be obliged, then that's your deal, not her fault. Was part of your recommendation for that counsellor due to you hoping it'd make her come see you more?!

She should make the effort to come see you roughly as equally as you visit her. I think you need to remove the aspect of her being in your town for her counselling from this otherwise genuine problem.

Ediblemushrooms Sun 31-Mar-13 22:00:23

wildfig she has a dogwalker. The dog goes to her for the whole day.

Ediblemushrooms Sun 31-Mar-13 22:02:48

oxford no there was absolutely no hidden agenda in suggesting she saw the counsellor I know- crikey- I'm that not devious!

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