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To find the term "birth mum" offensive when used in the context of stepparents and parents?

(77 Posts)
SneezingwakestheJesus Sat 30-Mar-13 21:30:05

Just been browsing around on here, as you do, and read a couple of threads where the step child's mother was referred to as being their "birth mum". It wasn't being used in the context of adoption or in a situation where the mother has no contact with the child. It was used by stepmothers discussing their partners ex.

Am I being unreasonable to be offended by this? It makes me feel a bit angry to think one day by ex's new partner could be describing me as my daughters birth mum. I'm her mum, plain and simple!

SneezingwakestheJesus Sat 30-Mar-13 21:30:33

My not by

cardibach Sat 30-Mar-13 21:33:16

I agree, Sneezing. 'Birth mother' should be reserved for situations where the child is cared for full time by a non-birth mother. If the child lives with their mum or visits regularly 'Mother' is sufficient. THe step mum is not their mum, so no distinction is required.

RedHelenB Sat 30-Mar-13 21:33:54

YANBU - the only time to use birth mum & dad is for surrogacy & adoption.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sat 30-Mar-13 21:33:57

I haven't seen any such threads but it does sound a bit odd.

I have two stepsons, they have a mum and i call her just that. I would only use the term birth mother if they had been raised by someone else i guess.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 30-Mar-13 21:34:05

It is offensive so yanbu.

But it is only said by emotionally stunted people who do not have the ability to act their age as opposed to their shoe size and whenever people do use it,its very obvious that they are rather stupid.

Fleecyslippers Sat 30-Mar-13 21:34:15

YANBU but batten down the hatches - you have unleashed a beast with this one wink

MyOtherNameIsFunnier Sat 30-Mar-13 21:36:29

You are absolutely NBU.

But there is a hardcore of stepmothers on here who are absolutely rabid about their husband's exes so erm, duck and cover.

crashdoll Sat 30-Mar-13 21:37:42

Of course YANBU.

BruthasTortoise Sat 30-Mar-13 21:38:01

Mum and Stepmum seem the most obvious term to use to me, and I'm a resident Stepmum whose step children have previously at times had very little contact with their mum. She's still their mum and always will be.

I dislike the term adoptive mum even more. Once the children have been adopted then mum is just mum.

Fleecyslippers Sat 30-Mar-13 21:38:16

Myothername - you better run NOW [bwink]

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sat 30-Mar-13 21:40:29

MyOther they may well have reason to be rabid about the ex, i do, she is the most awful spiteful woman i have ever had the misfortune to know.

She is my dss mum though and i would never do or say anything to disrespect her in front of her children.

Smooshy Sat 30-Mar-13 21:40:55

I have step children and have never referred to their mum as "birth mum" She's their mum, I'm called by my first name by them. As it should be.

morethanpotatoprints Sat 30-Mar-13 21:44:25

YANBU as an adopted person I had my parents who I loved dearly and my birth parents who I never met. I think natural mother is even more objectionable in these circumstances, for me anyway.

As a mother I have 3 dc and would strongly object to be referred to as their birth mother. They are my children and only have one mother.

SneezingwakestheJesus Sat 30-Mar-13 21:45:15

I think its the implications that all we have done for our children as their mother is give birth to them that bothers me the most. It feels like a way for the more unbalanced stepmother to try and pretend the mum has less of a role in the children's life. I couldn't imagine either of my step parents referring to my mum or dad as the birth mum or birth dad.

I'm glad that I'm not the only one who finds it offensive though.

forgetmenots Sat 30-Mar-13 21:46:27

Have heard of this recently and it's really offensive imo.
Birth mum implies to me that the child has been raised by someone else.

Misfit13 Sat 30-Mar-13 21:46:47

Of course, mum is mum and stepmum is stepmum. I recently became friends with a family where both sons are adopted. The boys have 'mummy' and talk about their 'tummy mummy'. I think this acknowledges the facts as nicely as possible, so I suspect that 'birth mum' is an altogether less pleasant acknowledgement of the minimum requirement.

lunar1 Sat 30-Mar-13 21:48:10

I hate the term, it's so disrespectful.

Although I after stepmum no 2 I started to number them until we got to the final one SM6 was known as step witch. Wish he'd such with SM1 tbh, she was lovely.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Sat 30-Mar-13 21:48:52

YABU, IMO there are times when birth mum or biological mother are useful terms.

I am not offended if referred to this way.

My relationship with my kids can never be changed by words or labels.

Booyhoo Sat 30-Mar-13 21:52:20

op i agree with you. however i disagree with I think " its the implications that all we have done for our children as their mother is give birth to them that bothers me the most. It feels like a way for the more unbalanced stepmother to try and pretend the mum has less of a role in the children's life."

i dont think it is a way to lessen the role of the mum. i think it is a way of 'equalising' the roles as if they are 2 different names for the same role, as in "i'm your step mum and thats your birth mum we are teh same with different names " i dont know if i've explained that very well but it's what i think.

SneezingwakestheJesus Sat 30-Mar-13 21:53:18

Yellow, when would these be useful terms? Genuine question as I can't think of any other than the examples in my OP.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sat 30-Mar-13 21:55:16


Mum is mum. My SD's mum is her MUM. Not her "birth mum".

SneezingwakestheJesus Sat 30-Mar-13 21:55:41

Booyhoo, but the roles aren't equal. As much as a stepmum may be seen as the mother in the dads household, and may be as loved as the mum and as part of the family as the mum, she will never be mum and therefore never equal. It wouldn't be "I'm your stepmum and there's your birth mum", it would be "I'm your stepmum and there's your mum" surely?

MiaowTheCat Sat 30-Mar-13 21:57:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MammaTJ Sat 30-Mar-13 21:59:39

I never used it to describe my DStDs mum, she was her mum, plain and simple, I was her step mum. To explain the use of 'was', she was my StD because I was married to her Dad, I am not now, but we are still close. Her mum was her mum, but has since passed away.

The troll thing my DD1 lives with with her dad is her StM I am her mum!! My DP is her StD, her Dad is her Dad.

No need for birth or real or anything else, just the one word.

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