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Is it fair that I am paying hen do costs for those who dropped out?

(79 Posts)
Mashedupbanana Sat 30-Mar-13 21:17:58

I've been invited to a friend's hen do. Her bridesmaids emailed the dates a couple of months ago and estimation of cost at £150pp but were hoping to bring the cost down.
Around 9 replied to say they would attend, however no one was asked for a deposit and we didn't hear any more about the hen until last week.
The bridesmaids booked accommodation and activities (non refundable) based on the 9 but since emailing to say what is now planned some have now dropped out (with good reasons).
The bridesmaids are now splitting the cost of those who have dropped out between those remaining. This seems reasonable enough but the cost has gone up by a further £100 each.
I had agreed to going based on it being £150 not £250 (and that doesn't include the night out).
As I work part time, in total this hen do will be half my monthly wages :-/
If I could, I would now not go, but I'm sorely aware this would push the price up again for everyone and would be really unfair.
I can't really think of a fair solution to this. If the bridesmaids had asked for a deposit before booking it would have been muh simpler, but its too late for that now. What should happen and what would you do?

StealthPolarBear Sat 30-Mar-13 21:58:13

very good point karate. OP you won't be the only one thinking WTF? and the minute someone else drops out you'll all receive an email asking you for another £30, then a few days later a further £50

Bumperlicious Sat 30-Mar-13 22:04:37

That's a shit load of money to be spending on a weekend away with people you don't know. Why can't people just have a piss up in a local club?! So much pressure to Do Stuff!

BadabingBadabong Sat 30-Mar-13 22:07:05

Just say no. You'll feel bad, but you'll probably feel worse spending all that money on what may be a shit weekend.

Snazzynewyear Sat 30-Mar-13 22:08:45

The bridesmaids have been the unreasonable ones here. They should not have booked anything without a) telling you what they had in mind first and b) checking everyone could still do it. As it is, they ought to be the ones liable for the extra costs as they made a foolish decision without consulting anyone else.

What exactly is it that they've booked? If it's accommodation, why not cancel the unneeded rooms, and at least then they would only be down the deposit? confused Unless they've booked something like Travelodge-style cheap deal no refund rooms. What else have they booked that can't be refunded? It's really very misguided of them.

I would say you will go at the price originally quoted but you don't think it's fair to have to pay an extra £100 for a) something you won't actually get any benefit from (if it's wasted rooms, for instance) and b) where it's not you that has pulled out. They can't actually make you pay, so make it clear that you will not be paying the extra costs. You will either pay £150 as originally asked, or you will also be pulling out and therefore they will have to account for your share as well.

In fact, can you contact the other remaining hens and suggest you all say the same thing? That way, none of you who have stuck with it lose out, as if you all stick together there's no way this can be forced on you.

If I were the bridesmaids, I would be chasing the drop-outs for money, and/or trying my hardest to either get a full/partial refund after all, or reselling whatever I had paid for to other people.

Snazzynewyear Sat 30-Mar-13 22:10:09

Plus if you're going to have a big do like that, you need to sort it all out well in advance to expect people to commit to it and potentially save the money. When I went on something similar, all the arrangements were made 2/3 months in advance and had been discussed before that. And it still didn't cost that much.

joanofarchitrave Sat 30-Mar-13 22:10:21

I would ring the bridesmaids and ask for crisis measures. Can they demand refunds, or sell the extra places on ebay or gumtree or something? It's hard on the other hens if you pull out at this stage but what a complete arse-up.

BOEUF Sat 30-Mar-13 22:13:37

I agree they should cancel and get everyone, including the drop-outs, to chip in for the deposit. Hideous situation.

YellowDinosaur Sat 30-Mar-13 22:13:39

And this is precisely why when I organised my sister's hen I got everyone to pay upfront before I paid for anything...

Op I'd do as someone else suggested - say you'll pay the 150 originally agreed but won't be paying the extra 100

StealthPolarBear Sat 30-Mar-13 22:26:04

I don't even agree the dro outs should pay in this case. If they'd been asked to commit, fair enough, but assuming this initial email was a vague "expression of interest" thing then I@d assume I was under no obligation until I was either asked for a deposit or someone said "I am about to pay £X per person, so please confirm or I'll assume you're not coming"

My cousin had a hen do - her future SIL organised it. We were given loads of notice with an initial estimate of the costs (which ended up being bang on) and plenty of follow up emails making the point at which we needed to be "in or out" clear. When we got there, the SIL and her family had spent absolutewly loads of money doing the place up and buying each of the hens a gift! so she/they had already spent well over and above their share of the accommodation.

Floggingmolly Sat 30-Mar-13 22:29:35

£250 before the actual night out? shock
It's time to return to the days of dancing round your handbag and going for a curry <cats bum>
What is the £250 actually for?

Icelollycraving Sun 31-Mar-13 05:44:40

So on the figures given it was going to cost £1350 for 9 of you. It is now £1350 but £250 each? So,there is (just over) 5 people going now.
They are foolish to not get deposits ftom anyone.
The problem is if you drop out,that'll be quite a big chunk for the others to pay,the less people going the heftier the bill. Saying that,you will probably find that others will start to back out too.
This frankly is a nightmare. I assume you have to add drinks,meals,travel & tips on to this £250. No way!!
I would email or call & say you are happy to come for £150 but you would not have agreed to come originally for £250.
Poor bride,bet she hasn't a clue this is all going on.
I haven't ever done all this for a hen. Mine was dinner & drinks,had a great night but people didn't have to bankrupt themselves.

vivizone Sun 31-Mar-13 06:12:00

Sounds a mess. You will also have to factor spending money. You could easily blow £500 by the end of the trip. It's best to say no now rather than wait closer to the time. I hate stuff like this, it's so stressful and saying "no" is not that easy especially when it's supposed to be someone's happy occasion.

DeafLeopard Sun 31-Mar-13 06:28:41

Don't waste your money just cos organiser didn't get deposits and others have dropped out.

Another one sick of OTT hen and stag dos.

Tee2072 Sun 31-Mar-13 07:55:33

Hen dos are so stupid for this very reason. What's wrong with a nice meal out and some pub crawling?!?!

Drop out. Tell them why and that they were very very stupid to book without confirming numbers from months ago.

StealthPolarBear Sun 31-Mar-13 07:58:32

Well done icelolly, I knew there should be some way to work out the exact figures.
Next person to drop out will add another ~£60 to everyone else's bill. And they will drop out, they'll be dropping like flies!

Tailtwister Sun 31-Mar-13 08:47:42

No, I don't think it's fair OP. That's a huge difference in cost.

The organisers should never have booked it without collecting deposits from people. These things are notorious for people dropping out. I agree that those who have cancelled should have to pay something towards it, but it might be hard if nothing was agreed up front.

Loislane78 Sun 31-Mar-13 09:01:36

What kind of tomfoolery is this money paying for??? We need to know OP!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 31-Mar-13 09:09:38

Just drop out. You cannot afford an extra £100.

Or more.

Is everyone who is left going to do it? Or will you get there and find that there are yet more no shows and you are hammered for £300, or £350?

I bet those who have dropped out just dropped out and aren't thinking about the extra money the others have to pay! You're very nice to feel bad for others, but you can't spend half your wages for them.

kungfupannda Sun 31-Mar-13 09:13:46

Just tell them that you can't afford £250 and would never have agreed to spending this much. It's not your problem that someone else has been completely daft and is now expecting other people to sort the problem out by paying vast amounts of extra money.

I would bet anything that more people drop out for that very reason - do you want to be one of about three or four people left, scratching around for a few hundred pounds each? It sounds like a financial disaster waiting to happen and I would be extracting myself from it asap.

ZillionChocolate Sun 31-Mar-13 10:08:07

I definitely think you need to say you agreed on the basis it was £150 and you do not have £250 to spend. I agree there's a risk it will spiral further out of control. I feel sorry for bridesmaids faced with this headache but it's largely self inflicted.

GetOeuf Sun 31-Mar-13 10:14:39

What lungful said. Don't feel that you have to chip into your savings fgs in order to go on a spa day or cocktail making lessons or something ghastly because the organiser hasn't been sensible enough to get the deposits off everyone. You don't even know anyone apart from the bride. Why stump up 250 quid for a weekend where you barely know anyone. It's not your problem that they have organised this so badly so don't feel obliged to pay all this money in order to solve someone else's problem.

GetOeuf Sun 31-Mar-13 10:15:04

Lungful? Kungfu I mean.

Pickles101 Sun 31-Mar-13 10:16:10

I agree with the others - you should not go. It's nice of you to feel sorry that they'll have to take on your costs too - but that's their problem now. You cannot afford it.

SneakyNinja Sun 31-Mar-13 10:18:47

I'd drop out without an ounce of guilt. Mind you, I get unreasonably pissed off about elaborate hen/ stag celebrations. I mean seriously when did these things turn into holidays!? hmm

LetMeAtTheWine Sun 31-Mar-13 10:31:03

I would say you agreed to £150 and that was your max budget so cannot afford to go above this, and leave it with them.

It is a rubbish situation for the organisers to be in but it isn't of your doing so don't feel bad about it.

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