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To have reported this to social services?

(57 Posts)
frappuccino Fri 29-Mar-13 23:34:16

I will leave out some details so as not to identify myself. I have reported a friend to social services as she is in an abusive relationship and I'm worried about the effect it may have on their children. She has admitted that her partner has physically abused her on a number of occasions, sometimes when the children have been in the house.

As well as this he controls her financially. She has two jobs and works very long hours but has to give him her wages then borrows money off family and friends because she can't afford food/petrol/Christmas presents for the children. She often stays overnight with friends because she is too scared to go home when he has been drinking heavily but will leave the children there with him. They are not small children, I'm talking teenagers here but still minors and I feel it's damaging all the same sad

IneedAgoldenNickname Fri 29-Mar-13 23:36:47

Yanbu. I hope your friend gets the help she needs.

frappuccino Fri 29-Mar-13 23:37:21

I know it's AIBU but I hope I'll be told I've done the right thing. Please be gentle, I'm so upset about it all.

midastouch Fri 29-Mar-13 23:39:40

YANBU she will thank you in the end! She is probably not brave enough to get out on her own so you've done her a favour. Hope she gets the help she needs!

Spero Fri 29-Mar-13 23:40:21

It might be a wake up call to help her get out. I don't think you are unreasonable to care about your friend and want to help her but I don't think there is much SS can do with older teenagers - I doubt very much they would take them into care. But hopefully they can offer your friend some support and advice.

WorraLiberty Fri 29-Mar-13 23:42:36

Before you reported her, did you offer her any support/help?

Did you talk to her about his behaviour?

Tbh, I'm not sure SS will be that interested unless there's more to this than you've said in your OP?

frappuccino Fri 29-Mar-13 23:43:15

I know she doesn't want to be with him any more but he refuses to leave the house even though the tenancy is in her name only. I'm hoping perhaps ss can give her some practical advice (if she admits it to them). The children are 14 and 16.

expatinscotland Fri 29-Mar-13 23:43:33


AmberLeaf Fri 29-Mar-13 23:44:45

Have you offered her any emotional or practical support?

MagzFarqharson Fri 29-Mar-13 23:45:16

Yanbu, sounds like your friend is suffering serious abuse. Just the fact that Social Care will have to make an assessment may hopefully open her eyes to the fact that his behaviour is unacceptable.

You've been brave - well done, lots of people let this go by.

Bluelightsandsirens Fri 29-Mar-13 23:45:43

Hard decision for you so well done and I hope it all works out.

frappuccino Fri 29-Mar-13 23:46:10

Yes I did try to help her. I had her at my house for a week last month. She was adamant it was over. I made her an appointment with a solicitor, encouraged her to contact the police etc. Then one day I came home from work to find her belongings gone and she had gone back to him.

anonymosity Fri 29-Mar-13 23:46:56

YANBU I think you've done the right thing. SS are able to find support for her and practical help. When things become extreme its not always possible for friends and family to do all the helping. Don't beat yourself up about it either.

AgentZigzag Fri 29-Mar-13 23:47:06

You did it because you care about your friend, and it must be one of the most difficult of calls to make.

Being in an abusive relationship can make it difficult sometimes to see the woods for the trees because it can skew the 'rational' thoughts you'd normally have without the controlling influence of the partner.

Just saying that they're a controlling partner says it all, he does his level best to keep her under his control, and it can sometimes only take a special set of circumstances for a lot of people to find they can break out of the rut and move on to a better place.

Will she guess it was you? How would it make you feel if she knew it was?

You can't know how it'll turn out, but at least you'll know that at the time you took the decision to tell them you were trying to help her and the children as best you could.

WorraLiberty Fri 29-Mar-13 23:50:11

Is he the kid's father?

How long have they lived together?

AmberLeaf Fri 29-Mar-13 23:50:50

Then one day I came home from work to find her belongings gone and she had gone back to him

Are you pissed off at her for doing that?

AshokanFarewell Fri 29-Mar-13 23:51:02

Well done, even if they aren't able to do much to help, just knowing that someone thought her situation was serious enough to contact social services may open her eyes to how bad things are. It might also give the children a chance to tell someone what's happening, or at least to know someone cares about them and is looking out for them. It is a horrible situation and I have no experience but you sound lovely and your friend is lucky to have you.

frappuccino Fri 29-Mar-13 23:51:05

I have asked to remain anonymous and I don't think she will guess it's me because there are a number of other people that know about it. It's kind of an open secret among her family and friends but nobody seems to do anything about it. I know there's a limit as to what anyone can do but it's heartbreaking sitting back and watching it all.

AgentZigzag Fri 29-Mar-13 23:52:21

Reading your last post about her going back to him after staying at yours, has something happened apart from that which made your mind up that you should tell them?

Because just going on the little you've said - and it's probably not like this at all - but it could you have told SS because you disapproved of her going back to him and she didn't take your advice to move on.

If nothing specific had happened to provoke your call, it could look at little like you were trying to control her life IYSWIM?

AgentZigzag Fri 29-Mar-13 23:53:11

I felt bad about posting that, so I'm glad you thought the same Amber.

frappuccino Fri 29-Mar-13 23:55:01

Yes he is the father of both children. They have been together nearly 20 years and from what I can gather the abuse has been going on for a very long time so no I'm not pissed off with her because she has been conditioned to think this is normal for so long.

AmberLeaf Fri 29-Mar-13 23:55:16

Yes Agentzigzag that's how I saw it too, glad someone else did too!

ChippingInIsEggceptional Fri 29-Mar-13 23:55:17

She's an adult making her own decisions, it's one thing to encourage her to leave him and offer her a room in your house (why didn't she bring the children?) - but it's quite another reporting it to social services. I'd be livid if I was her, you have betrayed her confidence - totally sad

frappuccino Fri 29-Mar-13 23:57:35

That was my fear chipping sad Fuck

yaimee Fri 29-Mar-13 23:58:05

amber I don't think the op sounds losses off with her friend at all, it sounds as if she has offered as much practical and emotional support as she can and has contacted ss out of concern for her friend and her friends children.
It sounds to me as though you are looking for a reasonto have a dig and there is really no need, op has made a difficult decision and is upset.

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