AIBU to expect a thank you!(28 Posts)
SIL (DW of DHs DB) and I had a falling out last year over an insensitive comment she posted on Facebook, we haven't spoken since and she threw a tantrum demanding via her DH that I apologise which I wouldn't, anyway 1 year on they moved abroad and she is visiting PIL with my DNs since the fall out I have always sent birthday and Christmas presents (she has never sent of my DS!) and today was the 1st time in a year we've seen each other and I had Easter eggs for DNs and a present for a birthday one of them is having Sunday.
Handed over the eggs to the Dns and she fucks off out without a word leaving kids with MIL.
No thank you, not even a hello - which I did say btw!
Thank you to everyone who posted, just wanted to close my thread off with a positive ending.
MIL doesn't drive and had something for DH, SIL is staying with PIL and she brought her over. Invited all in for tea and she apologised for a lot of her previous behaviour and spoke about a MH issue she was having, DM is in the field and I spoke with SIL about her, she said she was shocked as she thought my DSM was my DM and we had known each other 4 years.
PIL had a chat as well according to FIL,I think we have all made it clear we don't suffer fools and we have always been supportive, this support will continue but we won't tolerate crappy behaviour.
I had my nieces for the day for the 1st time in 3 years and loved every minute
Facebook has worked wonders for the social fabric of society, it allows family feuds to start without the family members even coming into contact, and when families are together it allows them to ignore each other by looking at Facebook on their smartphones.
Db is working abroad, his is always very embarrassed about her behaviour but supports his wife which is fair enough.
SIL has fallen out with PIL on numerous occasions, kids are used as a weapon so they daren't say anything which is very sad.
When we heard she was coming over, MIL and I had a chat as she didn't want Ill feeling whilst her GC were visiting, SIL advised MIL she wanted civility and I agreed happily, neither of us were going to say sorry and pursuing one didn't seem important so I naively thought we would both suck it up and play nice.
I work FT and she has been with PIL for a week, I called MIL when she 1st arrived and asked if SIL had many DVDS, games etc as she was travelling alone with 2 kids on a long flight and thought she may have kept luggage minimal -I sent over with DH DVDS, games, books etc of my DSs as PIL didn't have a lot at their house - I'm trying to be a good person in all this but I feel deflated.
DH and DB have a tentative relationship at the moment, based on how SIL has treated his parents. PIL allow the behaviour as otherwise they don't see the kids for them rudeness, laziness and poor manners are par for the course with their new houseguest and they accept that with a pinch of salt (and a lot of ushering out to allow her some me time so they can cuddle in peace)
Facebook is not childish but its users can be...the same as MN isn't childish but its users can be.
However, I'm still puzzled as to why you'd expect someone who isn't talking to you (for any reason) to thank you for buying her kids Easter eggs?
So your BIL was at work
I still don't get why you're not bothered that he didn't phone/text/email to say thank you...and instead you're expecting her to do it when you know she's not talking to you?
If someone I couldn't stand gave my kids something, I'd fuck off too rather than upset the kids by taking it off them and handing it back...because that would be an awful thing to do to the kids.
However, I would be annoyed at being put in that position in the first place.
It might have been best all round if you'd left the gift giving to your DH who I assume hasn't fallen out with her or his brother?
Midnite -yes I Abu for the Facebook thing I deactivated in shame but the venom I received in response was an incoherent personal attack.
It is childish, it's bloody Facebook.
Can't believe I stooped so low.
So really, you started the whole thing by butting your nose in to her business? Yet you expect her to apologise first? Whatever. You both sound like school girls.
As she has been horrible to your in-laws and her DH, why haven't they dealt with her unacceptable behaviour? Do they just put up and shut up, and let her get away with it?
BIL was not there to his defence, he was at work.
Also, I didn't correct her spelling (my own can be atrocious) I happened to use a word she used but i spelled it correctly which was apparently an attack on her intelligence.
I'm so glad I'm off Facebook - life is much simpler without it I think!
Why is she expected to do the thanking and not your BIL?
If you've fallen out with her, surely it's much more likely to expect thanks from him rather than from someone you don't talk to?
And excuse the typos... and don't mention it on FB if I know you x
Welcome to the world of strange SIL's (could be all inlaws) avoidance tactics are great.
Rule 1. Never talk about mad SIL (unless drunk and your DH brings the subject up, that negates Rule 1).
Rule 2. She does NOT exist unless in an emergency. But the children do. And so does her DH (your DBIL). So don't omit her from conversation with them, but refer to her whilst thinking of her as an invisible friend, practice standard reactions to comments about her "smile, frown etc" NO rolling of the eyes.
Rule 3. Conduct all family business via DBIL/DH.
Rule 4. Retain moral high ground at all times, learn the art of pissing people of from afar, always send her an Easter card with perhaps a creme egg in it for her (in addition to the ungrateful children, it's not their fault) just so you can be smug and know that you've gone above and beyond duty (and in the knowledge it will piss her RIGHT off).
Rule 5. Never sweat it. You cannot change it.
Rule 6. NEVER EVER conduct any business with family on FB unless you're very very close and even THEN always be polite and ignore any shit unless you're fully prepared to accept the crazy consequences. For THAT alone, YABU there is a hide button for good reason. Your DH should have been the one calling her up on FB comments NOT YOU (unless you craved WW3).
My SIL is a complete Alien, I just don't get her on any level, and most of what she says is offensive. She is not on my FB. She would be hidden if she was. What I don't know I cannot comment on. If she was on FB and she has said something that discredited my DH, I would have perhaps posted some sage like wisdom on my own status, knowing she'd see it, or told my DH, then it's in his court.
NEVER EVER correct anyone on their own spelling/grammar on FB, on their own thread... EVER. Unless you really don't care about them, in which case why are they on your Friends List???? It's Okay to post LOTS of items about poor grammar, funnies about dogs refusing to even eat homework because the grammar is so bad etc., but never target anyone... again, unless you rather look forward to their wrath and make yourself look nit picky and rude. Again, hide if their typing offends you.
Families are crackers. I'm proud of the fact that my 'greater' family have no idea I loathe my SIL so much, they are aware she loathes me, but think her a fool. WIN!!!
YABU to expect a thank you, but YANBU to expect that your DH receive one. Therefore, as no thank you happened, YANBU for being annoyed.
She's rude not to have thanked you on behalf of her youngest or to make the 4 year old say 'thanks'. Having said that her husband could do that and I don't see why he can't.
And she's rude not to even acknowledge you when you said hello.
So basically, she has no manners.
Dp? Bloody hell not got used to having a DH yet.
Tbf the comment was after a string of snipes about how crap blended familys are compared to tradional ones (my own family is VERY blended) so I was trying to stick the boot in to my shame.
5 years of crap treatment from her toward DPs family and my own got the better of me. I know I should have left it well alone and not rise to it but it got the better of me.
Its just that I always always always thank people for gifts for my DS, and he always says thank you too (and makes a thank you card using his beloved laptop!)
So from her POV, you have fell out because you butted in on her business? Unless you police everything her DH does towards her, then you were out of order, tbh. Don't expect her to exhibit good manners when you started it, by getting involved in an argument between spouses. What has spelling got to do with it? And if you really are a giver then you wouldn't care about a TY.
Sorry don't want to give too may details of the argument - she might be a fellow MNer!
General gist is this - post on facebook was very rude about her DH, likely to upset quite a few of his family and people in his profession so I asked her to remove it before others saw it.
Que major rant and fall out.
BTW I'm now off Facebook - work of the devil
My DN are 4 on sunday and 1. The 4 yo just said mine and that was that but got a sloppy kiss off the little one.
Euphemia - oh yes, how dare I question her infront of other people! I made her look stupid because she can't spell
I abu aren't I? She's never said TY for her own presents before the arugument so not sure what I was expecting.
Just to clarify, I've missed my DN so much and the presents I buy are to show love not to one up anyone. I'm a giver by nature just grrrrr at the lack of manners.
So she made an insensitive comment on FB which you called her on, and she wants you to apologise? For what?!
Presumably if the dcs are old enough to have eggs, they are old enough to say their own thank yous ?
Difficult to say how much each of you are over-reacting, as I can't imagine grown ups who are all related really being this childish over a remark on a facebook page, but then, I can't imagine a grown up putting up a remark that is likely to cause fall outs either.
On second thought, given your actual question, yabu to expect a ty from her for gifts you gave to someone else. Dcs should thank you but she doesn't have to unless they are unable to do so themselves.
so... What are you going to do?
Make it better or worse?
Just to play devils advocate, she perhaps feels you are being sarcky or trying to make her look bad (presumably she thinks she was in the right in the first instance) by showing her up in front of your mil. If she feels you over-reacted in the first place she is maybe questioning why you are still trying to interact with her whilst not apologising.
But as PP have said, without details of original argument it's hard to say who is bu, if anyone, or if you both are.
Sounds like she's still really pissed off with you. Not enough info as to whether this is justified or not
However I think you are correct in rising above and not taking your disagreement out on your DNs
Depends what the insensitive comment was in the first place.
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