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to think I should have been told?

(231 Posts)
blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 12:41:25

We were at a Christening a week ago, DP told me today that my son (12 years old) was bullying his son (10 years old) and that someone had seen my son pushing his into a wall and also blocking him from going to the toilet and glaring at him.

I questioned my son today and he told me that DP's son had told him he was going to kill him and that he'd followed him to question him and ask him why and that he'd been in a bad mood and ignored him after that.

DP said a few people had come up to him at the Christening and said they'd seen my son push his into a wall and that my son was stalking him.

I've severely punished my son and have taken his X box from him and will be selling it and have also banned him from auditioning for a play he wanted to take part in.

The problem is my son is still vehemently denying everything and DP says his son had told him that he'd never said to mine that he'd kill him and was crying at the Christening.

Am I being unreasonable to be really angry that nobody told me whilst this was occurring so I could have dealt with it myself there and then? Also that DP has only just told me about it today?

I despise bullying and my son has never done anything like this before and I feel so angry and ashamed that he was behaving this way and other people noticed but I didn't.

HotCrossPun Fri 29-Mar-13 13:45:27

OP, nobody is saying you are a massive fuck up. It's a difficult situation.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 29-Mar-13 13:46:31

So Blueballoon, if they called it attempted murder would you accept that? No, because it isn't. You have been through bullying. It is repetitive and sustained over time. It cannot be done in a day.

I am concerned that you are so influenced by others, particularly your DP and that you seem to have so little trust in your DS and your own judgement.sad

moonabove Fri 29-Mar-13 13:46:58

The behaviour your dp has described - ds following the boy around, glaring at him, shoving and blocking him - sounds to me consistent with the story that the other boy had made a remark that upset him and he was trying to get an explanation for it. It's also consistent with the other boy's previous remark to your dp that he 'hates' your ds.

Obviously ds should have just left it and ignored the other boy but if it's true you can hardly blame him for being upset and angry.

blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 13:48:54

I think I've massively over reacted though...

It's because I despise bullying so much that the first mention of the word get's me so angry.

Ok, how do I proceed?

My son tells me that DP's son said he was going to kill him (I do believe that was said) but that he never pushed him or stopped him from getting to the toilet. He said he followed him to ask him why he'd said that as he was angry.

DP is saying his son definitely didn't say anything and that others have said my son pushed his and was stalking him.

What do I do?

moonabove Fri 29-Mar-13 13:52:05

You're already punishing him by taking the xbox over Easter. I would tell him that you believe the other boy made the remark and that it was wrong but that he should have just come back to you straight away and told you about it instead of trying to remonstrate.

Tell him in future to keep them away from each other. Leave it at that and tell dp you have dealt with it.

blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 13:52:49

I've just re questioned my son and he says again that he didn't push DP's son in his words " No, I never pushed him because he'd have punched me".

blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 13:53:53

I definitely will be keeping them apart in future as I don't want any of this re occurring.

Groovee Fri 29-Mar-13 13:54:04

I wonder if DP's son is jealous. He lives far away, doesn't come to see his dad often and to him it may look like dad is playing happy families with another family.

It doesn't however excuse how either boy is behaving. Dp's son may have said something to upset your son and that is why your son then behaved the way he did.

I'd also be more annoyed that your DP has taken so long to tell you and why none of the witnesses approached you to inform you of the situation.

Punish your son, but don't sell his xbox. That's too harsh for something which he may not have instigated. I'd then have severe words with your DP for not bringing this to your attention sooner.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 29-Mar-13 13:54:32

Apologise. Don't grovel. Tell your DS that everyone gets it wrong sometimes, even you. Tell him that in the future he must come to you as soon as anyone hurts/threatens him. Tell him that you will protect him and will not be exposing him to this again.

squeakytoy Fri 29-Mar-13 13:54:58

Are these people who saw this all your DPs friends? Your DP sounds as though he is going to believe his son no matter what.. from what you posted about this 10year old, he sounds more like the antagoniser and borderline bully to me..

badtime Fri 29-Mar-13 13:57:42

Well, all your DP can really say is that his son denies saying anything. Would your son or his usually be more reliable?

I have to say, I think the story that many people saw your son following (not stalking - again, that would be a sustained campaign over a protracted period, and can't happen in one day) your partner's son, and pushing him, and stopping him going to the toilet (seriously, there are supposedly witnesses to this who allowed it to happen?) and didn't say anything to you at the time seems very unlikely. I think it has been embellished.

I have to ask, do you usually just take your partner at his word and allow him to override your wishes?

blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 13:58:03

I have told DP I'm really cross that he didn't tell me earlier when we were on the phone.

He told me that a few people had seen my son pushing his and had told him.

I then asked my son what had happened (when I got off the phone to DP) and he said he hadn't pushed DP's son but had followed him to ask why he'd said "I'm going to kill you".

I then rung DP back and told him what my son had said and he said that he'd already asked his son about the comment and his son had said he hadn't said anything.

blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 13:59:07

I wouldn't expect DP to lie or embeliish which is why obviously I listened to what he said.

TartinaTiara Fri 29-Mar-13 13:59:40

I think you perhaps need to have a long hard look at your relationship with DP, as from what you've said here, it looks as though he resents your DS, and is shit-stirring. If a number of people came to you and told you your DS was being bullied, would you wait a week to say anything about it? Would you have absolutely no memory of who'd said it to you?

Agree with the poster who said that so far, nobody seems to be sticking up for your DS.

sudaname Fri 29-Mar-13 14:00:30

I wouldnt just accept this 'bad blood' or 'boys will be boys' tbh. If either of my DCs especially at the age of nine upwards as your DSS must have been, ever announced that they hated the guts of one of their stepsiblings or anyone else in our extended family then they better have a damn good reason and not just a 'dunno, l just do'.
Your DSS sounds a little horror who is being enabled in bearing animosity towards your son for no reason, by not being called on why he 'hates' him.

badtime Fri 29-Mar-13 14:01:40

How could he have asked his son about a comment that, at that point, nobody knew about?
If his son didn't say anything, how would he know that your son would say he had. That doesn't make sense.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 29-Mar-13 14:01:57

Is your DP prone to a bit of drama OP?

moonabove Fri 29-Mar-13 14:03:23

Try to relax about it a bit now OP - it's horrible to have your ds accused of something especially when you have been through the mill with him over bullying.

Let it calm down a bit for now and see if ds comes to you with any other info. Both boys are unlikely to budge from protesting their innocence but over time you might get a fuller picture.

Rubbish start to the holidays!

blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 14:03:46

But I just couldn't see DP lying why would he??

I do think he's taking his sons side incorrectly over the comment that was made as I know his son had previously said that he wanted to kill his sister and had drawn pictures of her dead, so to me that seems correct.

But I couldn't see why and adult (who does get on with my son well) would make up lies and tell me that people had told him things if they hadn't?

I think I need to talk to DP's brother about it but unfortunately he's working today so it will have to wait until the evening.

I've told my son I'm dropping all this until I've spoken to DPOs brother and have told him I'm sorry for overreacting at first.

I was just so shocked and horrified when I was first told that I was far too angry and over reacted.

blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 14:08:16

badtime I didn't even think of that. I presumed it was because DP had been told what was going on and had questioned both my son and his but I've asked DS if he'd told DP that his son had made a comment and DS says the first time he's mentioned about the comment to anyone was to me today.

Pagwatch Fri 29-Mar-13 14:08:18

To be honest I think your problem arises from the fact that you are desperate that someone is telling the truth and someone is lying - and you have chosen primarily to believe your DPs son.
Only the two boys know what really occurred - those watching are just guessing really. They have chosen to see it as your son 'bullying'. It could equally be your son unwisely trying to argue with your DPs son about why he was saying he hated him.

From your sons point of view you are siding with the others against him and I sy again, what if your son is telling the truth?

Whatever you think about him in general your DP is just painting his son as an innocent when he doesn't really know. I think he keeps trying to get you to drop it and being vague about the details because he massively shit stirred to try nd make sure his son was seen as a victim and he wants the whole issue to go away.

Tell your son never to confront the boy again. Tell him he should have come to you.and tell him if he actually ever does bully anyone you will not tolerate it. But tell him you are going to let it go as you don't really know what happened

QuintEggSensuality Fri 29-Mar-13 14:09:40

Non of you know the full story.

But it is interesting that your boyfriend is fully prepared to believe what HIS son has said, yet you dont believe what your son has said, even if it is not his character to behave this way. Have you asked him WHY he pushed the other boy? If the other boy has been nasty in the past, there could have been other issues.

You are also overreacting massively, are you sure you are not using this situation to your own advantage and making your own son a scape goat? YOU really will benefit financially from selling his x box and refusing to let him audition. Win win for you! At your sons expense. I think that is cruel.

QuintEggSensuality Fri 29-Mar-13 14:11:25

Glad to see you have reconsidered.

blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 14:12:16

It's not DPs son I believed it was the people who told DP what had happened.

Why would DP paint his son as innocent and outright lie to me? It doesn't make sense!

piprabbit Fri 29-Mar-13 14:15:15

Even if your DS didn't hate your DPs son before, he will hate him after this. Because he will blame the other boy for the permanent loss of his XBox and missing the audition.

I think you came down like a ton of bricks on your DS in a situation you didn't fully understand. You need to apologise to him and help him find a way of coping with DPs son in a much more controlled way.

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