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to think I should have been told?

(231 Posts)
blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 12:41:25

We were at a Christening a week ago, DP told me today that my son (12 years old) was bullying his son (10 years old) and that someone had seen my son pushing his into a wall and also blocking him from going to the toilet and glaring at him.

I questioned my son today and he told me that DP's son had told him he was going to kill him and that he'd followed him to question him and ask him why and that he'd been in a bad mood and ignored him after that.

DP said a few people had come up to him at the Christening and said they'd seen my son push his into a wall and that my son was stalking him.

I've severely punished my son and have taken his X box from him and will be selling it and have also banned him from auditioning for a play he wanted to take part in.

The problem is my son is still vehemently denying everything and DP says his son had told him that he'd never said to mine that he'd kill him and was crying at the Christening.

Am I being unreasonable to be really angry that nobody told me whilst this was occurring so I could have dealt with it myself there and then? Also that DP has only just told me about it today?

I despise bullying and my son has never done anything like this before and I feel so angry and ashamed that he was behaving this way and other people noticed but I didn't.

Altinkum Fri 29-Mar-13 13:18:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 29-Mar-13 13:18:20

So all this bullying (and it wasn't bullying, to call it so is an insult to real victims of bullying) happened over one day. You were completely oblivious. Why? No one mentioned it at the time. Why?

How long have you been with your DP?

ChippingInIsEggceptional Fri 29-Mar-13 13:18:33

Frankly - I'd be listening to your son. Your boyfriend sounds like a trouble maker. Have you heard it from anyone other than him? Why do you believe your boyfriend over your son?

Irrespective of that, even if what he says happened did (and I highly doubt it did) selling his x-box is a massive over reaction and I think you should think again about the auditions. You have to think of the bigger picture - what does being in this show mean to your son. You say he's disabled and has been bullied about that in the past - does being in the show help him cope with his life, does it build his confidence?

Why are you so willing to dismiss what your son is telling you - that your boyfriends son threatened to kill him?

There's two years difference in them by birth - is there also 'two years difference' in them in size, mental ability and maturity?

Mumsyblouse Fri 29-Mar-13 13:18:37

If he was following him round all afternoon glaring at him, why did the son not mention it at the time? Why didn't you notice? Is this very plausible? I think there is bad blood between them, but given the threats from the younger boy, it has to be fairly equal, surely.

Even if he did everything you said, your punishment is just too great, to remove him for an entire summer from a drama class. I think you need to think about how your relationship is impacting on the whole family, it sounds awful.

VisualiseAHorse Fri 29-Mar-13 13:21:10

Also - the boys are both old enough to be sat down together (with both you and DP) and talked to about bullying etc, and the consequences of what happens if you are caught bullying.

theboutiquemummy Fri 29-Mar-13 13:22:56

Don't sell your sons Xbox it seems to me as if your so called DP is jealous of your son n likes to cause trouble boys will be boys they should have been equally punished n spoken to together that way no one can be accused of being treated unfairly which at the moment your son is

If other people saw n they were friends I'm sure you would have heard by now can you ask your DP who it was that saw them call his bluff a little

blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 13:23:39

I've asked my son repeatedly what happened and he keeps saying he didn't push him and that he only followed him once and that was to ask why DP's son had said "I'm going to kill you"

UNfortunately we can't sit the two of them down together as DP's son lives so far away that it's impossible.

I haven't sold the XBox yet or cancelled the play and now I've calmed down I realise that was probably a bit harsh.

I'm just going to do as others have suggested and ban him from using the XBox over the Easter holidays.

I'm so angry because it wasn't that long ago that DS was being bullied at school and I was so upset for him and we had a real fight on our hands to get it stopped and it was such an awful time, so I'm angry that he'd do this.

DontmindifIdo Fri 29-Mar-13 13:23:42

I'm thinking too, there's an element of not why didn't anyone tell you, but why didn't they step in? if I saw one of my relations being bullied, I'd step in, not just tell you, but stop it there and then - that they didn't suggests they didn't think it was all that bad at the time - something could have been said since which they then said "oh yes, I did see [OP's DS] giving dirty looks to [DP's DS] - didn't think anything of it at the time." because at the time they didn't think they were witnessing anything bad.

If the boy felt threatened by your DS, why didn't he come talk to you or his dad at the time?

RubixCube Fri 29-Mar-13 13:25:57

He sounds like his trying to put a wedge between you and your son.It's all coming from your dps mouth.Sounds jelous to me.

badtime Fri 29-Mar-13 13:28:44

OP, your son was not bullying anyone, from what you have said. Why can't you see that?

And why do you have such trouble believing your son? It is just, as far as you actually know, his word against your partner's? (unless some of these witnesses who watched this 'bullying' happening without intervening have actually spoken to you now)

Autumn12 Fri 29-Mar-13 13:29:59

Can I ask why you are choosing to take your DP's word over your sons?
If it happened and was as bad as is being made out then surely someone would have mentioned it to you themselves?

KansasCityOctopus Fri 29-Mar-13 13:30:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 13:30:57

The christening was for DP's niece so yes it was DPs side of the family.

I did notice my son being in a very bad mood and when I questioned him he wouldn't say why.

DP told me later that my son had told his brother that the CHristening was boring so I presumed this was why he was in a bad mood.

My son does have a habit of getting moody if he's bored.

However my son told me that he was in a mood because DP's son had said "I'm going to kill you".

DP said he had talked to his son at the CHristening and his son had sworn blind that he hadn't said that and DP believes him but I'm inclined to believe something was said, but that doesn't excuse physical violence from my son in my opinion.

I've asked DP who told him and he said his Dad was talking about it just this week but he can't remember who else told him as he just brushed it off because he thinks it should just be forgotten about.

But if my sons behaviour has been classed as bullying by a group of other people and it's causing his son to wet the bed, I think it's far too serious to just be brushed off.

blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 13:32:53

I don't know why I didn't see anything. All I saw was my son being moody and when I asked what was wrong he just turned his back on me and wouldn't talk. I tried asking him repeatedly but he wouldn't speak to me.

Also I may have been distracted as my daughter was there too, she's only 3 so obviously I have to be really watching her whereas with my son he doesn't need me watching him so closely.

Mumsyblouse Fri 29-Mar-13 13:33:24

Why is there such bad blood between these two?

chocoluvva Fri 29-Mar-13 13:34:26

My DS, looking over my shoulder while I was posting and I have just been discussing the time that his school phoned me after another boy's parent complained about my DS shoving his DS and upsetting him greatly. I felt sick about it until I got home and spoke to my DS about it. I believed the school, but also thought it was a bit out of character for my DS. Turns out the other boy, who had no friends at the time, was upset about a nasty remark my DS had made in response to months of unkind comments and tiresome behaviour from the other boy.
18 months later, DS and this boy get on fine apparently. At the time, I questioned him about it, told him to apologise and told him to avoid this boy. I felt like I'd been slapped in the face by his parents, who live near us and know us and who almost never returned the trips, dinners etc that our DS included their boy in. Then phoned the boys new secondary school - where the boy's mum is a teacher. It's fine now though - but I'm very wary of this boy and his parents. This will blow over if you don't make a big deal of it.

badtime Fri 29-Mar-13 13:35:36

What group of people? Your DP's imaginary friends?

Anyway, if they were so sure it was bullying, why didn't they stop it? Do you really think it can have been that clear-cut?

A lot of people don't know what bullying is - it is about intent. It is not about any particular act.

Pagwatch Fri 29-Mar-13 13:37:07

You have no idea it has caused bed wetting. You have no idea a group of people classed it as bullying.
You are massively over reacting

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 29-Mar-13 13:38:02

What makes bullying different from other forms if aggression is it's sustained repetitive nature. It does not happen in a day, but you should know that. You say that your DS was bullied. Did it happen one day or did it occur over time? Just because others misuse the word, does not make what happened bullying.

blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 13:40:19

I don't know why there's such bad blood. My DS didn't as far as I know have any problems with DP's son but DP had said previously that he hates DS.

When DP told me that I said it would be best to keep them apart as they'd never have a close relationship anyway due to the huge distance away that they live.

It was DP's Dad who said this and he said others too, but I can't see why he'd just lie about it as he's always ok with my son and they get on well.

I couldn't see him making it up which is why I'm annoyed that nobody told me.

It's all of them who are calling it bullying and I think they did take DP's son to a side as he was crying.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Fri 29-Mar-13 13:40:51

Could you please answer one question.

Why don't you believe your son?

ChippingInIsEggceptional Fri 29-Mar-13 13:42:44

...all of them

DP & his Dad. Hardly an unbiased account is it?

I feel sorry for your son, he's told you he didn't do it. Why wont you believe him?

blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 13:43:11

No, my DS was bullied for months, it's only just stopped now after frequent appointments with school etc.

Reading what you're all saying I think I'm making a massive fuck up aren't I?

I'm convinced DP's son must have said "I'm going to kill you" as I really can't see my son behaving badly for no reason.

I've questioned DP who told him but he keeps saying he can't remember but says his Dad had brought it up this week.

blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 13:44:14

Why would DP and his Dad just make it all up though? I couldn't see them doing that.

Why would they?

HotCrossPun Fri 29-Mar-13 13:44:22

OP, from your responses it doesn't seem as if you are actually reading the advice people are giving you here.

I think you should stop being embarrassed and annoyed that people have been talking about your DS and actually deal with the problem.

If it is serious enough for you to consider punishing your DS for the whole summer, it's serious enough for you to get the boys together and sort it out.

It sounds to me as if your DP is looking after his DSs interests, but there is nobody looking after your sons. That must be very frustrating for him.

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