to think I should have been told?(231 Posts)
We were at a Christening a week ago, DP told me today that my son (12 years old) was bullying his son (10 years old) and that someone had seen my son pushing his into a wall and also blocking him from going to the toilet and glaring at him.
I questioned my son today and he told me that DP's son had told him he was going to kill him and that he'd followed him to question him and ask him why and that he'd been in a bad mood and ignored him after that.
DP said a few people had come up to him at the Christening and said they'd seen my son push his into a wall and that my son was stalking him.
I've severely punished my son and have taken his X box from him and will be selling it and have also banned him from auditioning for a play he wanted to take part in.
The problem is my son is still vehemently denying everything and DP says his son had told him that he'd never said to mine that he'd kill him and was crying at the Christening.
Am I being unreasonable to be really angry that nobody told me whilst this was occurring so I could have dealt with it myself there and then? Also that DP has only just told me about it today?
I despise bullying and my son has never done anything like this before and I feel so angry and ashamed that he was behaving this way and other people noticed but I didn't.
Also, I'm not giving my son any punishment at all.
I've apologised to him and told him that the only thing that I'd have been cross about and that he did wrong was following DP s son instead of talking to me and that I feel he's been punished enough by being accused of things he didn't do.
I think you're doing really well, blue.
Also I agree with Amberleaf's post from last night, where she says sometimes though it's hard to have a social life, but you can be better off being a bit lonely than having the wrong person in your life and your family's life. I know this from a brief mistake some years ago.
Deep down your DP knows his DS has problems that need addressing - that's why he gets stroppy when you raise the issue, then shuts down and refuses to discuss or address what's going on. Maybe he blames himself for not being able to be there for him as much as he'd like due to geographical distance, which means he can't accept his DS has a problem because that then reflects back on him and his parenting. It really needs sorting. What would your DP say if you brought it up again?
Kitty makes a good point.
Self-blame and hidden guilt are terribly powerful and destructive things. It has propelled my ExH to behave extremely poorly at times. I only recognised it for what it was after reading threads for two years on MN.
If ever I bring it up he gets really defensive and stroppy.
He will talk to me about the problems his son is having and will ask my advice, yet when I say what I think he gets really cross and says he knew he shouldn't have told me as I'd use it against him.
I never say anything other than that I think it's not normal behaviour and that if one of mine were saying/behaving that way I'd be seeking professional help.
I've also said I wouldn't have put the baby into the sons room. He started getting angry saying "He's not going to hurt the baby". I said regardless of that he's made it very clear he is extremely jealous and I don't think it's fair on him to have the object of this extreme jealousy in his room with him.
To me, he needs his room to be his own space to retire to when he feels overwhelmed.
He has a lot of issues with anger also which DP fails to acknowledge.
I do think DP feels guilty for not being there for him as much as he could and he also likes to think he's the perfect parent and is very quick to criticise others parenting methods. His parenting views are very old fashioned though and in my opinion very unhelpful when dealing with a little boy who is obviously disturbed and very unhappy.
Linerunner I agree. Sometimes I think I'd be better off being single then I wouldn't have all this drama to contend with.
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