to think I should have been told?(231 Posts)
We were at a Christening a week ago, DP told me today that my son (12 years old) was bullying his son (10 years old) and that someone had seen my son pushing his into a wall and also blocking him from going to the toilet and glaring at him.
I questioned my son today and he told me that DP's son had told him he was going to kill him and that he'd followed him to question him and ask him why and that he'd been in a bad mood and ignored him after that.
DP said a few people had come up to him at the Christening and said they'd seen my son push his into a wall and that my son was stalking him.
I've severely punished my son and have taken his X box from him and will be selling it and have also banned him from auditioning for a play he wanted to take part in.
The problem is my son is still vehemently denying everything and DP says his son had told him that he'd never said to mine that he'd kill him and was crying at the Christening.
Am I being unreasonable to be really angry that nobody told me whilst this was occurring so I could have dealt with it myself there and then? Also that DP has only just told me about it today?
I despise bullying and my son has never done anything like this before and I feel so angry and ashamed that he was behaving this way and other people noticed but I didn't.
I would find it odd that all these people supposedly saw it including your DH yet no one told you that doesn't add up IMO.
Personally if it took him a week to tell you it couldn't have been that serious either!
Ip being that you didn't get the full story at the time I would be inclined to give your son the benefit of the doubt.
Has there been trouble between the boys before?
Do these kids consider themselves to be stepbrothers?
Perhaps sit the two of them down together and talk to them calmly to sort it out. Siblings fight.. and so will step-siblings.
Maybe there is some jealousy going on and your son feels left out?
Yes there has as initially I didn't want to go to the Christening because his son and mine had argued and his son had grabbed mine round the neck and told DP that he "hated" my son.
I'd been keeping them apart but he insisted it would be ok and that it was agos ago that the incident occurred and nothing like it would happen again.
YANBU to wish you were told at the time.
YAB (a bit) U for selling his Xbox and not allowing him to audition for the play. If he did do it he needs a chance to redeem himself and to learn not to do it again.
By taking away his Xbox permanently and not allowing him to audition, he is going to be suffering for what he did for a very long time. He will probably feel unfairly treated and resentful. You also have nowhere else to go if he does it again.
DP's children live a long way away so my son doesn't see them much. My son lives at home with me, so I can't see there being any jealousy really. Also me and DP don't live together.
I think selling the x box is an over reaction. Try to get to the bottom of it, but a week after the event may be too late. I would say to your DS, that even if the younger boy was being verbally horrible, physical violence is not the way to deal with it, especially if he's smaller. He should have told an adult, not dealt with it himself by becoming violent.
I suppose I am being overly strict but I despise bullying and I'm so embarrassed that he behaved this way. He has lots of other issues- he's disabled and has low feelings due to his disability and the fact he's been bullied in the past before. I've always supported him every step of the way and I'm so upset he'd behave this way.
"I've severely punished my son and have taken his X box from him and will be selling it and have also banned him from auditioning for a play he wanted to take part in."
Massive over reaction
I think that even if your DS was in the wrong, your punishment is OTT for a single transgression. The fact that you yourself are unsure as to the nature of the incident makes me wonder why you are permanently removing things which are important in his life.
That aside, can you talk to the people who saw what happened?
You sound as if you are still not sure what to believe - your ds has never done anything like it before and is vehemently denying what the other boy says.
In that case I think the punishment is too harsh as hotcrosspun says and is only going to deepen his resentment. If he has issues of low self-esteem then banning the audition is particularly harsh.
Are you thinking that the fact that no-one mentioned it at the time means that actually nothing so severe happened?
Massively inappropriate punishments, IMO.
Take the xbox away for 2 weeks or so. Don't sell it. And the audition can only help with this sort of thing, sounds like time working in mixed peer groups is exactly what he needs, why would you take that away?
I did tell him that even if DP s son did say that he shouldn't have pushed him but he's insisting that he never pushed him and only followed him. If he'd at least stop lying about everything I wouldn't be so angry but DP told me on the phone today that quite a few people had come up to him at the christening who had seen him pushing DP's son against a wall.
I'm also really angry that DP didn't tell me there and then as like you say a week afterwards it makes it all a lot harder to sort out.
Also, when you asked DP why he only just told you, what did he say?
YABU to ban him from auditioning for the play but if he is a bully he does need to be dealt with (just think that being in a play will help with teamwork, confidence issues and self esteem issues).
I don't think you should sell the Xbox. Or ban the play audition.
I would however speak to at least one of the independent witnesses at the christening, to find out what they saw. I think the truth is really important here.
I took the audition away as it's for a large performance and costs me a lot more money than I can easily afford to send him and we all have to cut back when he is in one of these plays as there's massive transport costs involved.
I didn't see why we should make sacrifices from him to attend when he's behaving like a bully.
DP said he only just told me as he just wanted to forget about it but that people had come up and said to him at the Christening and later on had brought it up with him.
I've e-mailed DP's brother to ask what he saw happening too.
So your dp's son has previously had a go at your ds and has said he hates him - it's hardly surprising that there would be more trouble between them and can hardly be classed as 'bullying' in the normal sense of that word.
Doesn't dp see any connection between the way his ds behaved previously towards your ds and this incident (whatever the truth of it)?
"moonabove" No he doesn't. He just says boys will be boys but in the next breath said people have been discussing my sons bullying with him.
I feel so embarrassed and pissed off that they didn't just tell me on the day whilst it was happening or at least if DP had told me on the day!
If your punishment is this severe, no wonder he is going to be too scared to admit to you the truth anyway.
If he isnt normally a bully, then it sounds more like this was a one off incident.
The other boy is also highly likely to say that he didnt say anything too.. thats what kids do.
The punishment sounds extremely OTT to me.
One off unpleasantness is not the same as bullying OP and at the moment you still sound unsure as to the nature of the exchange. If you can't afford this play, that is different. Are you sure that you are not allowing him to audition because of finances and instead of being honest about it are using this incident to get out of the play?
Wait.. You are selling his Xbox and stopping him auditioning for one incident of pushing? Further, one that is unconfirmed? I think an x box ban would be more appropriate. Pushing is not ok, but it is not like he beat some one up. (Awaits flaming!)
Given the history, your sons story sounds plausible. I also find it hard to believe no one pointed it out at the time.
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