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to want to meet my 14yo DD's boyfriend ..............

(33 Posts)
whatishappening1976 Fri 29-Mar-13 09:39:53

before she goes out alone with him for the day?????

He is from her school and is 14 too but I know nothing about him at all. Except for the fact that he has sent her a few messages that contained things I am not happy about. (Like she can ride his rollercoaster, with the rollercoaster being his 'cock')!!!

She is not happy about me taking her to meet him, even though I said I will just say hello and am taking DS to the cinema so have a reason to be in the area where she is meeting him.

So am I being unreasonable to want to meet him??????

ParadiseChick Fri 29-Mar-13 09:42:20

Oh give her some space!

HollyBerryBush Fri 29-Mar-13 09:49:20

Seriously?????

whatishappening1976 Fri 29-Mar-13 09:52:39

I'm just worried, wish that their friends were going with them!

SmileAndPeopleSmileWithYou Fri 29-Mar-13 09:53:40

So what will change if you say hello?

rhondajean Fri 29-Mar-13 09:55:52

Yanbu especially if he is sending inapproprite texts but as he as 14, he's likely to be a socially incompetent twat right now so just give him the " I'm watching you" look and leave them to it!

Wishfulmakeupping Fri 29-Mar-13 09:57:05

I'd want to meet him too yanbu!

rach6122 Fri 29-Mar-13 09:58:11

Yanbu I would want to as well! She's only 14 fgs x

GraduallyGoingInsane Fri 29-Mar-13 09:58:23

It's hard. I've seen your message on teenagers and its really unfortunate that he sent crude messages, and more unfortunate in a way that you have read them. But out of all of that, your DD came across as sensible, so you've done a good job with her.

I have 4 DDs, my eldest is 16. She's had boyfriends, and whilst I've met a couple of them when they've come round to the house etc, or when I've seen her in a big group of friends, but I'd never dream of 'vetting' them before she goes out with them. That, in my view, would be sending a clear message that I don't trust her to make a sensible decision. And if I give her the impression I think she's too silly to be trusted, that's when she'll start acting silly.

I trust my DD. I am sure she will make a few mistakes, she's already made some belters in her life. But ultimately she has a good heart, she has her head screwed on, and she knows she can call for help any time day or night, and I will rescue her.

If you meet this boy, what do you expect will happen? He won't say things to you along the lines you have read in the messages. He isn't going to discuss his roller coaster cock with his girlfriend's mum! So he'll be a polite, probably quite shy 14 year old kid. And nothing will be gained.

Put systems in place to make sure she's safe. She can go out with him to a public place for example - I'm a fan of group dates, restaurant or Starbucks dates, cinema dates... I wouldn't be happy with a first date to an empty house. I'd want to know where and when she's coming back. I'd offer to pick her up. She needs a charged phone and instructions that if she decides he's not for her, to call or text and you will bail her out.

Make sure she is as safe as can be, then give her space.

Teens are hard, because they're growing up.

2rebecca Fri 29-Mar-13 10:01:27

I can understand you wanting to meet him, but I'm not sure what practical difference meeting him will make as it will just be a superficial meeting. I think 14 is too young for proper relationships and would be trying to discourage them meeting alone and having long chats about contraception etc. I didn't let my daughter go on dates at that age, thankfully she didn't want to much.

Annunziata Fri 29-Mar-13 10:05:12

Yabu, but understandably! Let her go, make sure she is safe, have a rough timetable from her (movie at 4, mcDonalds, 8 o'clock train home) and be glad that she is telling you she is going out with him. You need to show her you trust her.

MrsDeVere Fri 29-Mar-13 10:11:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Timetoask Fri 29-Mar-13 10:15:43

I don't think your are being unreasonable, she is only 14!
Tell her to invite a group of friends over to your house for a movie afternoon or something.

goingwildforcrayons Fri 29-Mar-13 10:25:24

YANBU. Good advice from graduallygoinginsane. I remember when my first proper boyfriend date came to my house to pick me up and my Mum flew out the door and ran up the path so she could meet him blush at mum running. She stood there pretending she was really interested in his dog that he had brought for a walk when she actually really doesn't like dogs.

I was 19 at the time grin.

carabos Fri 29-Mar-13 10:28:09

Tell her that sending inappropriate messages is a line that no grown up woman would let a man cross and since she hasn't been grown up enough to call him on it, you will act like the parent you are and step in to protect her by refusing to allow her to be in his company.

Tell her that you will happily explain that to him in person. Be strong, be a role model. Be a parent.

whatishappening1976 Fri 29-Mar-13 10:33:00

She is meeting him today at 1! I do trust my daughter, but having seen the messages I don't trust him!!!!

Have come up with a compromise. I am going to take her and DS (and mindee) to McDonalds for lunch, which is right next to where they are meeting.

That way when food is finished we can walk out and he will be waiting for her, she can walk over to him then wave bye to us and I can just have a look at him, make sure he is indeed a 14 year old boy and not some sort of weirdo.

Then me, DS and mindee will be at the local cinema and if she needs me I am around for a couple of hours.

God I am so nervous!!!!!

MooMooSkit Fri 29-Mar-13 10:48:30

You'll be fine whatishappening1976 and FWIW, I totally agree with the other posters! There is absoloutely nothing wrong in wanting to meet a DD's boyfriend, you meet all your DD's friends I'm assuming?! I had my first boyfriend at 14 (nothing sexual though we dated for a year!) and we would go to the cinema and things together though I met his parents, he met my Dad before we started going out and the parents used to speak on the phone to make sure we were together. I thought that was just a genuine parenty thing to do :S I know for a fact now we have the luxury of mobile phones I'll defintely wanting to know my children's friends/bfs/gfs when they are older!

Also I do agree the text was a bit inappropriate but hopefully it's just a bit of "laddish" banter and it doesn't mean anything but it is a bit hmm

squeakytoy Fri 29-Mar-13 11:56:00

"I can just have a look at him, make sure he is indeed a 14 year old boy and not some sort of weirdo."

I thought it was someone she goes to school with?

livinginwonderland Fri 29-Mar-13 13:18:03

YANBU, but what is seeing him really going to achieve? I'm sure he's smart enough to act polite and respectful infront of his girlfriend's parents. If they go to school together, I don't think you have much to worry about smile

thebody Fri 29-Mar-13 13:27:07

14 year old boys are twats I know as I had 2.

You will meet him anyhow pickin her up and dropping off and they will probably only last a week anyhow.

My oldest dd is now 14 and zealously guarded by her older brothers. Funny really as she completely ignored them.

Talk to her about sex and make sure she has the facts. Keep talking and don't get hung up on this one boy. There will be lots over the next few years.

If you go overboard on wanting to know everything and everybody in her friendship groups she will just lie and do what age wants to anyway.

whatishappening1976 Fri 29-Mar-13 17:36:33

Hello. I didn't actually speak to him, but he saw me when I waved bye to DD as we went into McDonalds. She said that they had a nice time and she assures me that he really is a very nice boy and that the messages he sent were just him messing about.

Am still really unhappy about the messages he sent, but am trying to relax a bit. This was the first time real boyfriend she has had and she was alone with him, and I don't know him, surely it is my job to worry??

Nanny0gg Fri 29-Mar-13 19:09:04

It is your job to worry, and I doubt you'll stop!
Of course you were right to meet him, and I would be more than unhappy about those messages. If he were my son we'd be having quite a chat about 'respect' from me if I caught him sending them.

She's only 14 and whilst I'm sure you're proud of the fact that she is sensible she still needs help and guidance.

Invite him round for tea!

grin

Annunziata Fri 29-Mar-13 19:12:44

Of course you will worry! My oldest is 23 and I still worry about him when he goes out grin

The messages are horrible to read. I think a lot of it would be bravado, but I'd be sitting her down and properly talking to her about sex. You seem to have a really close relationship with her, she sounds like she would come to you.

Then you've just got to let her go.

So. Is he handsome? grin

DeskPlanner Fri 29-Mar-13 19:26:28

How did it go ?

monkeyfacegrace Fri 29-Mar-13 19:29:20

Oh fgs. I was shagging at 14. Leave the poor girl alone.
He may be a lovely guy, he may not be, but she will work it out herself.
The messages are neither here nor there. You should have heard the stuff I was saying grin

Relax, let her come to you.

Tonight just have wine and cry that your dd has grown up sad

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