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To say that's it and cut her out of my life for good? Or am i a Bridezilla? Be honest please!

(62 Posts)
deemented Thu 28-Mar-13 22:22:22

Theres lots of back history between myself and sister. She's 14 years older than me. She's an alcoholic but has been dry for 15years+ and she more or less raised me as a young child as our mum was very poorly for a long time.

I also realise that my wedding means more to me than anyone else, but..

Manshape and I are getting married in September. We set a date last June, so theres 15 months thereabouts between that and the actual wedding.

My sister and i of late have seemed to have a strained relationship. We've drifted apart somewhat, and i'm not sure why that is. I have five children and they keep me busy, whereas her children are grown, although some of them live at home with their children too. I live in Swansea, she lives about 250 miles away.
When we announced we were getting married she didn't really say much. I told her then that we would happily pay for her hotel room as we know it's expensieve to trek down here etc, and as far as we knew, she was happy with that.

We'd been keeping in touch via fb recently, and i messaged her last week to ask her how many people were coming from her end as i needed to know number for the venue etc. My 23 year old neice messaged me back saying that they didn't think they would be able to afford it. I reminded them again of my offer of paying for their hotel room, and said that i really wanted them there so i'd also pay for their travel costs too - either hiring a car for them or trian fares.She replied saying that nothing in this life was ever free, and that i for one should know that, and besides, she had better things to spend her money on, so no, none of them would be coming to my wedding.

I am so incredibly sad about this. And hurt and angry. They are my family - surely they would want to be there for my special day? What have i done to them for them to hurt me like this?

I replied to them saying how much their decision not to be there for me had hurt me, and haven't heard anything back from them at all. I guess they just don't care sad

That's it now though. They have hurt me one too many times, and this snub is just the straw that's broken me. Even if they changed their minds now and said they wanted to come i wouldn't want them there.

AIBU in cutting them out of my life now? Am i being bridezilla about it all?

howdoo Thu 28-Mar-13 22:25:54

I don't think you are being bridezilla at all by wanting your sister and her family at your wedding, esp if you offer to pay all their costs, but there must be something more to this? Why wouldn't they come if you pay pretty much everything - there must be more to the history between you and your sister?

KatyTheCleaningLady Thu 28-Mar-13 22:25:56

You are not being a bridezilla in the least.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 28-Mar-13 22:29:39

nothing in this life is free?

What on earth did they mean by that?

That your paying for them would come with conditions? hmm

She's not making any sense. You would pay for the hotel, and for the travel. What's left for them to pay for?

What she said was vile. Really, really vile. I think that you owe it to yourself and the man you are going to marry, and your children, to just cut your losses with these people.

They are never going to be who you want them to be.

Move on with your life without them.

FakeHotCrossLobsters Thu 28-Mar-13 22:30:21

That's not just a snub OP, that was a really mean thing to say to you if nothing else has happened to cause trouble between you all. It seems like something more than a gradual drifting apart between sisters.

I have no idea what might have prompted them to say that to you if nothing has happened to cause bad feeling.

I've found that there are only so many times you can let someone hurt you before you say enough is enough. Whether that means cutting them out completely or just distancing yourself enough to keep yourself safe is up to you.

But based simply on what you have said, no you are NBU.

AgentZigzag Thu 28-Mar-13 22:30:24

Not being bridezilla thinking 'She replied saying that nothing in this life was ever free, and that i for one should know that, and besides, she had better things to spend her money on' is nothing but a kick in the teeth with steel toe capped boots.

What you offered was more than generous, not only putting yourself out cashwise, but sending them a clear message that you'd value them being there.

They didn't even make try to make a feeble excuse as to why they couldn't come down, but chose this moment of all moments to make it completely crystal clear about what they think of you.

I say they because your niece answered, but how much of that was her mum answering in reality?

Don't deliberately cut them out though because that's making a big deal of it, just let them go without thinking about it too much. If you don't want this to piss you off on your wedding day, leaving it a bit open ended will stick less in your throat than a definite 'I'm never talking to them again' would.

merrymuzzie Thu 28-Mar-13 22:37:14

I'm so sorry to hear that. Your sisters behavior is truly vile. Do you have any idea why she would do this?

Springdiva Thu 28-Mar-13 22:37:59

Is she happily married? Are her DCs happy and successful? Does she have any money(sounds not).
Maybe it is sour grapes. She is envious and is turning it into a snub to disguise her feelings about her life. Maybe offering to pay for everything is rubbing salt into the wound for her, you are to be all married and happy and she isn't. But she is resentful as she maybe feels she 'sacrificed' for you in helping raise you. Which would v unfair.

I'm just guessing here. Perhaps you could phone her and say how important she is to you and ask her to please come. But she still mightn't.

floweryblue Thu 28-Mar-13 22:41:25

It doesn't sound like you have actually spoken to anyone on the telephone dee.

Do you think the other part of your family is offended by having the details sent to them by FB, it's not the best way to talk if you aren't using other methods too.

If I were you, I would ring my sister for a chat, try to find out what is wrong, but I have a good relationship with my sister (usually).

deemented Thu 28-Mar-13 22:41:30

I honestly can't think of any reason why they would do this sad

The only possible reason could be that when my last daughter was born 13 months ago, Manshape waitied until i'd come round from the GA i'd had to tell me what had happend, and that the baby was ok, before ringing anyone else to say that she'd been born. That royally pissed her off as she wanted to know asap if it was a boy or a girl hmm

Since mum died we've drifted apart, and although i love her deeply, i can't let her hurt me like this.

floweryblue Thu 28-Mar-13 22:43:10

It was the neice who messaged back, not the sister

merrymuzzie Thu 28-Mar-13 22:45:07

In that case you need to protect yourself. Give up on her as she is clearly not interested in a relationship with you.

The only hope could perhaps be that yourniece is stirring things unbeknown to her mum. Is that possible?

deemented Thu 28-Mar-13 22:45:27

I haven't spoken to her, i admit. I honestly don't know what to say now. She's made her stance perfectly clear - what more is there to say? And tbh, the phone works both ways.

She's no longer married. She lives for her daughter - my neice - and her grandson. I keep thinking my mum would be disgusted at her behaviour sad

MsAkimbo Thu 28-Mar-13 22:45:49

How cruel. sad

Yanbu. You made a generous offer and they created drama where was none. You don't need that, on your wedding or in your life.

lastSplash Thu 28-Mar-13 22:48:26

Can you go and visit her and find out what it's all about?

I wouldn't cut her off without getting to the bottom of it.

Mumsyblouse Thu 28-Mar-13 22:51:35

I wouldn't let the niece be her mouth-piece, ring her or visit and find out for yourself what is going on. Sorry about this, sounds a really sad situation especially as you used to be close.

INeedThatForkOff Thu 28-Mar-13 22:51:44

Out of interest, why did you mention that she's an alcoholic in your OP, particularly given that she's been dry for so long? Is this a bone of contention between you? Do you suspect she might not want to be around booze at the wedding?

70isaLimitNotaTarget Thu 28-Mar-13 22:53:14

She expected to be told about the baby before the mother was told shock

Wow- just wow.

I think you've done all you can really deemented .
If they do change their minds would there be a resentment on either side? Like they would be there under sufferance. And you feeling hmm because they're only there because you've 'paid' them?

AgentZigzag Thu 28-Mar-13 22:56:00

If not telling her about your DS before he'd had time to talk to you could have caused this, then you're not dealing with someone who thinks in what could be described as a rational way.

How can you talk to someone about that type of reasoning?

That she thought she had more right to be told about your son before you'd been told? At a time when you were at your most vulnerable it was about her and not her concern for you.

Your mum not mediating any more must have taken off the brakes for her, how lovely of your mum to shield you from that for so long, it must have hurt.

Fairyegg Thu 28-Mar-13 22:56:32

But it's only your niece saying all this on fb? Is it a possibility that your sister is unaware / your niece has been stirring it? I would ring your sister for a proper chat.

floweryblue Thu 28-Mar-13 22:56:52

Now we're getting somewhere. My younger sis is the apple of my parents' eyes as she has given them a grandchild. My DNephew is The Most Important Thing in the Universe to them, fortunately neither Sis or DParents are bonkers all the time, so although I have to reach out to them to remind them I exist sometimes, they can manage to take on a reminder!

deemented Thu 28-Mar-13 23:04:20

I guess our relationship is quite complex. When she drank, she wasn't a nice person. She hurt lots of people - mum, me, her kids. She put them into voluntary care and wouldn't let mum have contact with them. Even after all of that, i still loved her.

It just kills me that she cares so very little for me. And no, i don't want her there at my wedding after this. If she really wanted to be there for me, well... none of this would have happened, would it?

I'm the youngest of nine, she's the next in age to me. Most of my other siblings live in Australia, unlikely to be there either, but thats understandable.

deemented Thu 28-Mar-13 23:11:27

My sister knows exactly - i spoke to my brother who confirmed that she wasn't coming as she couldn't afford it - but she had neglected to tell him that i had offered to pay for everything.

pigletmania Thu 28-Mar-13 23:11:40

So sad demented. Only have the people who and care fo you at your wedding. Even after you bending over backwards for them, they dont Akers the effort, shows ho much they care. I would forget them. Demented your not the one with a horrid father btw

MsAkimbo Thu 28-Mar-13 23:13:10

I would wonder if the niece is the one doing this as well tbh. How old is she?

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