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To not want to look after my step daughter overnight?

(322 Posts)
LookingForwardToMarch Thu 28-Mar-13 15:58:27

Ok don't flame me please...(sorry long)

My DP's daughter is ten and coming to stay for the easter holiday. It will be nice as 5 weeks ago our DD was born and hasnt spent much time with her yet.

But my problem is this. DP works overnight sometimes and before sd would stay with Mil at those times and with us when he wasnt at work.

Anyway Mil just said to me that it would be 'nice' if I looked after sd now when dp is at work! And got very snotty with when i said i wasnt comfy with that.

My reasons were
1. Sd likes me ( i think) but we dont have what id call a close relationship

2. Breastfeeding a hungry reflux baby is taking it out of me a bit, and im not sure how I will cope with a sometimes very hyper sd, baby and a puppy!

3. Im at college full time and have 2 massive projects to do. Was hoping to complete these when dh was at work and sd at mil's

AIBU or is Mil right and Im a horrible person?

jacks365 Thu 28-Mar-13 21:12:11

The dsd is there for two weeks not just the one night. For that one night the dad has to work and his mother is refusing to have the dsd as i see it your options are dad to take holiday, send dsd back to her mother, giving an opportunity for mum to say see i told you or you bite the bullet and cope, if nothing else it'll prove she isn't being pushed out. You can't however force mil to take her.

While i do appreciate that it is bad timing we don't always have that choice. Refusing totally is unreasonable being annoyed that you have to grin and bear it isn't.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 28-Mar-13 21:13:11

Yes, piglet, being the other woman would sort of make it harder but at the end of the day, the child comes first.

BruthasTortoise Thu 28-Mar-13 21:14:07

I think that if my stepchildren were non resident and didn't come over often then I would expect my husband to be with them during the contact time. I mean not necessarily every minute but I certainly wouldn't expect him to go to work during the limited time they were there.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 28-Mar-13 21:14:54


If I hooked up with anyone my children would still be my responsibility the person I got involved with wouldn't become responsible for MY kids.

If you only have your kids a small amount of time then I would change my work commitments or change my contact times.

The sdd is not your responsibility she is the responsibility of her own mother and her father you are under no obligation to baby sit her nor should you be put under pressure to do so.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 28-Mar-13 21:15:40

Shiftwork makes this unavoidable sometimes Btortoise. Now and again should be more than acceptable.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 28-Mar-13 21:18:32

Thank god you weren't my step parent socket is all i can say. Very cold attitude to take.

seriouscakeeater Thu 28-Mar-13 21:20:19

expat i was actually waiting for some one to write some thing like you have - how can you call her MIL when your not even married...well the same applies to DS...but she is still expected to step in a play that roll.
clipper you'd be surprised, not every one is so liberal when it come to there children and SM.
bruthas i'm shocked too at the the reaction to the fact the op has just had major surgery with her first child but not surprised as most sp get there eyes scratched out on here off those mums that have 10 kids, done course work, pushed a tractor up and down blah blah its the same people that shout-Dont touch my kids but dont dare say you wont have them over night!

ClippedPhoenix Thu 28-Mar-13 21:20:27

One with such an attitude as socket really would be best off to find a man with grown up children. Which I hope they have and not young ones.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 28-Mar-13 21:21:40

No they aren't so liberal about it, hence major problems for the child.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 28-Mar-13 21:31:37

Bloody hell, this thread is on balance half awful (too much) where it comes to blended families which are so common these days. That speaks volumes, which is sad.

As a child advocate i feel very sad about supposed "adults" not actually looking at a childs needs before emarking on a second relationship.

It's rather shocking.

If you feel that you will only ever love your own, don't bloody take up with someone that already has one/some.

If you think that you don't "mind" - then again don't do it.

It's not bloody good enough for that child.

BruthasTortoise Thu 28-Mar-13 21:33:25

I am surprised at the reaction to the OP's CSec. I've never had one but anything I've ever read encourages women to take it very easy in the following weeks especially if the wound gets infected. I actually think the OP is doing well by accepting that her DP has to work and she is going to be left alone with her own newborn. I know that after I had my firstborn, a ridiculously easy straight forward birth, I cried when my DH went back to work 4 weeks later! Mind you, by the time I had my third I was willing him back to work so I could get back into routine.

PeachActiviaMinge Thu 28-Mar-13 21:33:50

Seriouscakeeater You seem to have a real problem with step parents being asked to do anything that might mean supporting the stepchild. You constantly repeat that step parents can do nothing right here on mumsnet but I have honestly seen nothing but support for them. I don't know why you have this opinion but its really not helping the OP or the discussion at all.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 28-Mar-13 21:36:37

Peach. We are talking the odd night, not all the time. There is taking it easy and there is not wanting a 10 year old around for a bit.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Thu 28-Mar-13 21:37:19

If you feel that you will only ever love your own, don't bloody take up with someone that already has one/some.

But the love I have for my own children I will never have for my SD. It's as simple as that. It doesn't mean I don't CARE about her though. I'll always be a friend to her.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 28-Mar-13 21:38:22

Apologies here peach. I meant that to be directed at BTortoise!

ClippedPhoenix Thu 28-Mar-13 21:39:52

Depends on the age SoWhat really. If they are 13 plus then i'd totally agree, but the child is 10 and needs that bit extra.

Yfronts Thu 28-Mar-13 21:41:03

say you don't mind the odd night for bonding but actually you have a big commitment in terms of course work/screaming babies

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Thu 28-Mar-13 21:41:10

Well my SD is 7 so I must be a really bad person then.

BruthasTortoise Thu 28-Mar-13 21:41:54

I think that was meant for me Clipped smile. I was more referring to the fact that the OP was called pathetic. I think that was harsh.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 28-Mar-13 21:42:24

im not saying youre a bad person, just maybe wont go that extra mile that makes a huge difference.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 28-Mar-13 21:44:43

Clipped I have several step children all but one of whom are adults now who at no time in their life considered me cold. I also remain very good friends with there mothers

Quite a few of them thanked me for putting a rocket up their fathers arse and drawing the line when he wished to abdicate his responsibility over to me so he could pretend to be a involved dad on 'his weekend' when really he wanted to leave all the parenting to me.

All have a better relationship with their father than they did before I came along. I am godmother to two of their children ( my ex's grandchildren) and the one belonging to my most recent stbxh is currently upstairs watching a film with one of my own children as her mother is on a date and she asked if she could come over and hang out with him.

As a step parent you should do everything you can reasonably be expected to do to facilitate a good relationship between their actual parents and them but you are not and never will be the child's parent they already have two of those and any actual parenting is their job not yours. Overstepping the parenting mark is one of the main step parenting causes of issues and resentment and is not a good also shows a lack of respect for the child and both parents and can lead to a lack of decent boundaries.

Part of actual parenting is arranging suitable childcare when you are unavailable,suitable childcare is something that all parties have to be comfortable with if they are not then it is not suitable and requires a rethink.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 28-Mar-13 21:46:53

Oh and they were all children when I was with their dad.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 28-Mar-13 21:47:51

grin yes you BTortoise.

Calling the OP pathetic was indeed very harsh. I make you right there.

I work with children so hence my sway on things.

I'm so sad for most of them (and want to take them all home with me most of the time) that aquire step parents due to so much shit going on with the adults.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 28-Mar-13 21:49:45

Socket, your first post was indeed cold. Your subsequent wasnt.

BruthasTortoise Thu 28-Mar-13 21:50:08

I love my stepchildren but I genuinely don't love them the same as my own children. I cant quantify the love so I dont like to talk about more or less but the love is different. The love I have for my stepchildren is based on the people they are, by the time I met them they were already fully formed small people and we grew to love each other as people. The love I have for my children is basic and primal, I didn't grow to love them, I just loved them and combined with the huge responsibility I personally have for them I don't think the two "loves" can be equated. Wow that's a lot of loving smile

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