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Not to understand: Your House/Wedding/Child Your Rules?

(122 Posts)
Hullygully Thu 28-Mar-13 11:54:43

What happened to manners?

What happened to consideration for other people, putting one's guests first, or making people feel comfortable or just mutually agreeing a framework of behaviour around kids?

How can it work if everyone has Me Me Mine about Their Rules??

MadameDefarge Thu 28-Mar-13 12:48:51

It might be an age thing. I did a good deed (reunited lost mogg with its owner) and rather than call me to say thanks I got a text. it was a nice text, but why the hell not call (as they did when they needed the info for finding the mogg) to say thank you properly. I put myself out! I read a poster! I made ds scrubble in his school bag for a pen to write the number down! I blinking called her! it just seemed so casual for something they clearly cared so much about.

Trills Thu 28-Mar-13 12:50:14

I love wedding threads.

I like organising things and I think I'd love to organise a wedding but then I remember that there will be other people involved and other people are unreasonable.

MadameDefarge Thu 28-Mar-13 12:50:39

maybe the problem is we don't have a critical mass of shared rules anymore.

abbyfromoz Thu 28-Mar-13 12:51:01

Salmo my DH does the feet on furniture thing! Even at restaurants!! I have to tell him off all the time! I wouldn't know what to say tbh...

usualsuspect Thu 28-Mar-13 12:51:12

My family are quite welcome to turn the TV on, read the paper and lay on the sofa if they want to.

I don't entertain my family TBH.

MadameDefarge Thu 28-Mar-13 12:51:18

It's all going the the dogs. Yep. The dogs.

Salmotrutta Thu 28-Mar-13 12:51:56

How rude of him.


PoppyWearer Thu 28-Mar-13 12:52:55

MadameDefarge I once found and rescued a lost cat (a vair expensive pedigree, no less) and the vet told me the owner had been beside herself and I should expect a gushing thank you letter...


Maryz Thu 28-Mar-13 12:53:45

Oh yes usual.

Anyone who comes to my house, puts their feet on the table, watches tv and reads the newspaper is very welcome to do so.

On the understanding that they also muck in with the washing up.

Salmotrutta Thu 28-Mar-13 12:54:18

Ah but usual you are usual.

TBH, family is a bit different.

I'm thinking more of non- family guests.

Salmotrutta Thu 28-Mar-13 12:55:34

But family or not, I hate people propping feet up on tables.

TheBigJessie Thu 28-Mar-13 12:57:00

I think there is now an MN consensus that there is no such things as "my lego- my rules" though.

PoppyAmex Thu 28-Mar-13 13:01:17

I totally agree with OP.

I find it amazing the amount if people posting things like "bitch MIL bought a yellow dress for my daughter and would like her to wear it once, when she knows I only like burnt sienna coloured dresses. ". Followed by " yanbu Hun, your baby your rules"

I want to scream "ungrateful, ungracious oaf" at them. blush

starfishmummy Thu 28-Mar-13 13:05:36

The TV one is interesting.

If any one drops in to our house, even family, I would turn the tv off so we can chat. On the basis that they have come to see us, not watch tv. When we go to the pils, my fil turns it up so he can carry on watching. I think that is rude, but I would never say so because that would be bad manners.

Salmotrutta Thu 28-Mar-13 13:14:15

Back in Ye Olden Days my great grandparents had a small holding.

There was an old ex-farm worker who stayed in a bothy nearby so GGMa used to have him over for meals.

It was during WWII so they used to put the radio on after supper to listen to the latest news.

The old man used to march off after refusing to listen to new fangled inventions grin

cory Thu 28-Mar-13 13:14:36

Sometimes it's short hand/euphemism for "this is what ordinary people regard as basic manners". Easier to tell a friend that "we have a non-fighting rule in this house" than "my children keep asking me not to invite yours around". Non-smoking rules also there for a reason. Otherwise I am relaxed.

But am thinking of invoking my-party-my-rules for my 50th as that is the only way I can see of keeping my mother from driving the entire extended family into stress-related breakdowns. I don't actually care about my bloody birthday but will step in to prevent bloodshed over-much misery. And the only way I can think of to do so is to say in a very firm way: This is my day and I make the rules.

Did invoke it at my wedding as my mother's uptightness about manners (=other wedding guests' dress code) very nearly stopped my SIL from coming. To my mother it was so obvious that not dressing in the way her generation had dressed at weddings was simply a deplorable departure from basic manners and that my poor SIL needed rescuing from the terrible consequences of this faux pas. Yes folks- SIL had already bought her dress: my mother offered to take her out to buy her a more appropriate one. At this point, I hinted that there was a serious risk that this wedding would have to take place without a bride!

Basically, if you have a tense, anxiety ridden control freak in your family, this rule can be a blessed relief.

Hullygully Thu 28-Mar-13 13:28:12

yes, but that again is an extreme, cory


ICBINEG Thu 28-Mar-13 14:12:49

hully may I politely inform you of my preference for you to take your opinion on this matter, wrap it in cunt bunting and pop it up your bottom?

It's not that I disagree with's just that I am testing out some new AIBU responses....

MadameDefarge Thu 28-Mar-13 14:19:26

hm ICBINEG...think it needs refining. the best put downs never involve rudery. Or so I have found. I may be wrong. I frequently am.

ICBINEG Thu 28-Mar-13 14:23:43

maybe...although on an another thread 'fuck off cuntychops' is being heralded as the best post on MN ever.

Maggie111 Thu 28-Mar-13 14:27:50

I very much respect Your Rules. It is your house, if you don't want my germs on my shoes, then well, I'll take them off and stink your house out... You obviously care that much about it.

If you want me to go to a wedding and sit on a table with people I barely remember, whilst my dear friends are sat on another table (which is what happened sad ) then that's ok because it's your wedding and Your Rules.

But that's not because I have My Rules. I can't think of any that I have. In my home it is shoes on, I check regularly if guests are too hot or cold etc etc. We had a guest orientated wedding a couple of years ago... The only Rule I had was when a guest asked to bring his pitbull to the wedding. For realz... My wedding, My No Dogs Allowed Rule grin

ICBINEG Thu 28-Mar-13 14:28:30

On the actual thread topic, I would say YANBU.

In particular 'my child my rules' is a pile of wank. 'My child, my societies rules' would be closer to the mark....

I believe that somewhere out there, there actually is a BEST way to bring up a child with a given personality type etc. Once we know what that is we should all just do it....

It's a bit Ursula Leguin but I would like to see 'my child' outlawed from the language and replaced with 'the child I am responsible for' or maybe 'the child' or just their name....thinking of children as belongings is a Bad Thing.

WallyBantersJunkBox Thu 28-Mar-13 14:45:14

Manners are a two way thing, borne out of communication.

Scenario 1:

Ding dong!
Open door to guest: Hello, how lovely to see you, do come in. Can I take your coat. If you are more comfortable around the house without shoes please pop them over there and if you like, help yourself to those Ikea guest slippers.
No? No problem the lounge is through there....go in and make yourselves at home.

Scenario 2:

Guest: Do you mind if I smoke?
You: I'm sorry but we can't have smoke in the house due to the children, let me show you an area in the garden where you can enjoy your cigarette and I'll just get you an ashtray to use when you need to out there. Would you like a brolly?

Scenario 3:

Mr and Mrs Wally Banter are invited to the wedding of blah de blah.
FAQ note in with directions - "We hope you will understand that due to headcount this wedding is for invitees only and not their children on this occasion. Whilst we would love you to come and celebrate our happy day, we understand that distance and childcare can sometimes be difficult to plan. If that's the case, we look forward to celebrating individually with you on another occasion, best wishes the future Mr and Mrs Blah de Blah.

Why would any of that be difficult to execute?

WallyBantersJunkBox Thu 28-Mar-13 14:55:26

Salmotrutta Thu 28-Mar-13 12:31:13

What if someone came to visit and, during tea and cake, asked if you would put the TV on so they could watch the rugby/football/golf?

Resonse: Oh I'm terribly sorry, we don't have that channel, smile sweetly and stare unblinkingly at him like a mad woman

Then: Oooo do you have Radio 5 live in your car? Perhaps you could pop out and turn it on there, if not we have a radio in the shed you could go and listen to?

I think I find it annoying as he also gets the paper and goes to read it in another room leaving me, DH and SIL to look after the kids.

Response: Oh look kids, Uncle Twatface is retiring to the lounge with the paper. Why don't you join him and see if he can make some fun hats and boats out of it using origami, you know, the ancient art of Japanese paper folding. I bet he'd love to show you.

Then: Thanks for that Uncle Twatface, it will give us time to clear up after you all! <<close lounge door leaving kids with him>>

I also hide the lego models (A whole other thread)

Response: Anyone schlllaaag touches that Lego model and they are out, d'ya hear me, OUT!

The one thing where I would rigidly enforce My House, My Rules would be if someone wanted to smoke indoors.

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