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to want to pan him in the face cartoon style and watch birds fly around his head? (Expletives!)

(10 Posts)
Tubegirl Thu 28-Mar-13 09:44:18

I am bloody fuming. I have a 4 yo dd with my exh. She is due to have contact with him this weekend and I am driving her to meet him after her ballet class. (I say ballet, I mean a herd of pink 2, 3 and 4 yo elephants goose stepping and thudding around a church hall but that's another story). I have spent all of yesterday washing and ironing her best clothes to pack. I text him this morning asking if there was anything specific he wanted. The reason for this is a long running dispute. He seems to think I deliberately put in horrible clothes for contact. This is not true, I put in what is clean. I consider all her clothes fine or she wouldn't be wearing them. He complained that I had put a red school sweatshirt in and it was manky. It was pristine and pressed. It was a cold weekend and I thought she could slob about the house in it. He also complained that she didn't have a dress and they went out for dinner. Unfortunately I am not a mind reader and I did not know he wanted a dress. Had he mentioned it I would have packed one. Anyway, I digress. If you are still with me have a brew and a biscuit.

Getting back to the text. He replied he just wanted underwear,pjs and a coat. The implication being I can't pack for shit and he is going to buy her clothes when she gets there. Which he will then keep. Fair enough if he saw her regularly but on average he announces he will have her every 6 to 8 weeks. Last summer I bought her a load of summer clothes for him to take her on holiday. I gave them to him in May and got them back in October when they were (a) useless and (b) didn't fit any more. I do not have the money to replace clothes. I have no income and am reliant on my DP. I don't see why DP should have to subsidise exh. Exh pays no maintenance by the way.

He was in the army when I left him. I had to give up my career in order to care for our dd because I could not afford to live where we were and pay rent, nursery fees and eat. I had to move in with my mum and then I couldn;t get a job where I was. He then decided if I wasn't working, why should he and promptly got himself out of the army within three months. (Special circumstances but that again is another story). Since then he has paid nothing towards her up keep but he has paid for shoes.

I then asked him for her clarks boots back that he had kept (forgotten to pack) last contact. He told me he had binned them as they were wrecked. They weren't!!! They were in very good nick as I cleaned them regularly and planned to sell them on to go towards a new pair. I think that is what has pissed me off most.

If you are still reading, you are a hero/heroine.

My exh is a controlling emotionally abusive bully. I know this and yet I cannot determine if I am being reasonable when I deal with him. Ever. Seriously I cannot think straight. This morning was very mild really in the grand scheme of things. I am worried that I am rolling over too much. My parents can't understand why I have agreed to contact after what happened in our marriage (quite severe controlling and isolating behaviour and in the death throes of the relationship some quite serious DV). I have agreed because I do not believe him to be a risk directly to our DD and she adores him. I am now wondering if I have been a classic victim and minimised everything. Having read this through I can see that I have written a couple of paragraphs on clothes and a sentence on the domestic violence. Classic miniminsing behaviour.

To add to my concerns regarding my exh he was arrested last year for assaulting his girlfriend. That would have been an end to contact except that she accused him of punching her in the face but had no injuries and there were witnesses who said that in fact she was jabbing at him. On speaking to the exh he explained that he had been defending dd from his girlfriend who lost the plot at her for putting on her make up. Her own dd had done it too and my dd was just copying. She has since apologised and at the time she was highly hormonal as she was pregnant and at a week when she generally loses babies and lo she did unfortunately lose her child about a week later. I accepted her apology and given that DD expressed no fear or concern about her and was keen to talk to her on webcam I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. Since then there have been no other problems with her.

I was going to name change for this but decided not to and just take it on the chin. Help me out here, I genuinely want to know if I am being reasonable.

Tubegirl Thu 28-Mar-13 09:55:13

I've just read this through and it's a rambling mess which makes little sense. Apologies. Bloody man turns me into a frustrated, inarticulate idiot. The remainder of the conversation today was about feeding dd. He said could I make sure she'd had lunch, I say yes I'll feed her at Sainsbury's where we meet. He says can't I make a packed lunch, I say no, I don't have time to make one he then starts on and on at me about why i can't spare the time to make sandwiches and I'm in a bad mood and unreasonable. I said I would feed her lunch - really what is the problem. Sigh, this all sounds so very petty written down. I really ought to have put more of the back story but some of it is so horrific I can't talk about it easily and I still have issues that I need to deal with.

HollaAtMeBaby Thu 28-Mar-13 10:15:30

Erm. Lots going on here. You do seem to be annoyed both that he wants you to send clothes and that he has told you not to... I would say don't send the clothes and let him buy them.

Otherwise confused sorry you are having a rough time and yes, he sounds very unpleasant. YANBU.

Birdsgottafly Thu 28-Mar-13 10:33:45

If he is as you describe, he shouldn't be having unsupervised contact. You are not around him enough to know what he is like with your DD, tbh. I think that you should be thinking why you are allowing a violent, emotional abusive man to be in sole charge of your DD.

Dahlen Thu 28-Mar-13 10:47:12

I don't think YABU about the clothes. I do, however, think you are being very foolhardy to allow unsupervised contact, regardless of how much your DD 'adores' her father.

A man who thinks nothing of punching his pregnant GF in front of two children is not a fit man to be around children.

Please be aware that with abusive parents, the bond between parent and child can sometimes be stronger than the bond between a non-abusive parent and child. The reasons for this are complex but it's to do with fear intensifying emotions. If you continue to allow unsupervised contact, not only are you running the risk of your DD coming to physical and/or psychological harm, but you are also risking your own relationship with her being undermined. Eventually she could choose to live with her father and end up continuing the cycle of DV into another generation.

SodaStreamy Thu 28-Mar-13 11:01:05

Try not to let it rile you. Pack exactly what he wants and leave him too it.

You are obviously comfortable with your daughter visiting but I'd keep an eye on things, it sounds a bit volatile. Maybe make a list of all your concerns on the DV side and let someone neutral read it and it might flag up worries you hadn't considered or put your mind at rest, either way it is more important to consider that area than the clothes.

When my ex and I spilt we had numerous arguments over clothes and looking back I can say it had to do with our resentment of each other at the time and nothing to do with clothes, and seems a bit stupid now

Your not expecting your DP to subsidise your ex, is your current DP happy buying clothes and shoes for your DD, if so everything is good however if he resents it you may need a discussion with him

blackeyedsusan Thu 28-Mar-13 11:30:07

<chomp chomp, slurp>

oops sorry back to reading.....

blackeyedsusan Thu 28-Mar-13 11:32:47

yep still reading. i remember clarkes boots. .... <slaps self round head for being so bloody irritating>

Tubegirl Thu 28-Mar-13 11:47:39

Sorry Dahlen, it was proved conclusively he hadn't hit her at all, she made it up - and she later admitted that. My fault for not msking that clear. Also that's not his mo iyswim, he's a shover not a hitter. Like that makes any diff as still unacceptable. I prob need to add more but am about to drive dd. Thanks for views so far.

blackeyedsusan Thu 28-Mar-13 11:49:24

just pack what he has asked for. do not pack her best coat. let him provide stuff. make sure that you keep his text... he could come back and say that you did not provide her anything.

I think that it would have been a good idea to stop contact after the violent incident that she witnessed. it is difficult to see these things rtionlly whenyou are in the middle of it. posting in relationships may help. there is a lot of experience over there.

oh and there are numerous times I have had to imagine the face of a certain police officer to stop me doing exactly what you posted as you title.

I wonder why I bother too. the children do like him and he has behaved quite well since.

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