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AIBU?

To get sterilised?

34 replies

RocksThatIGot · 27/03/2013 23:40

I am 32 and have two dc, age 8 and 2.

I have a boyfriend but we do not live together, and it's long distance so we only see each other every 2 weeks. I use the rhythm method of contraception, as I have done for the last 11 years, but I've recently decided that I am pretty certain I definitely don't want any more kids.

I feel like I am fighting a constant battle to not get pg. I really don't want to take any kind of hormonal contraception, and I can't have a copper coil as I'm allergic to copper. I am going to be studying from sept for the next 4 years, then hopefully starting a rewarding career. The thought of getting pregnant again makes me really anxious and I wonder if sterilisation might be the best way forward.

My bf says he really wants to have a baby with me but he already has 3 with different mothers so not the best track record. I got pg for the first time 10 years ago and I now feel its time to try and make something of my life and give the kids I do have the best life I can, not have any more.

Do you think I'm a bit nuts to be considering this at my age?

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MsAkimbo · 27/03/2013 23:45

....how long have you been together? Do you see this as long term? Does he know you don't want any more children? What are his relationships like with his children? With your children? With his exes?

Crucial questions to discuss.

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RocksThatIGot · 27/03/2013 23:54

I got pg last year when we were living together, and I ended up having an abortion, because he was being completely unsupportive. It broke my heart and the thought of being in that situation again is terrible. It was the hardest thing I ever did and I am having counselling for it. Soon after that happened my bf said that he regretted it more than anything and ever since has been badgering me for a baby. The way I see it, tough bananas - he had a chance and he well and truly blew it.

He doesn't see his eldest child at all, who is now an adult. He does see his other 2 and he is a good dad to them when he has them.

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Tortoiseontheeggshell · 27/03/2013 23:59

Oh lordy, don't use the rhythm method if you really don't want to be pregnant! Can he not use condoms? And don't give me the 'he doesn't like them' bollocks.

TBH, I think you have two issues that need separating out. How do you feel about a long term future with this man, who has THREE children by three different mothers already and is badgering you for another? And how would you feel in the future about children if, say, you were with a man who would make an excellent father and with whom you lived? Because it sounds to me as if your decisions around the child thing are a lot about where you feel you are in your life and your relationship, and not about the actual idea of having another one, per se.

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BelleEtLaBaby · 28/03/2013 00:00

If you were with someone else who was supportive and lovely, would you not want any more kids then? If you were with the best partner in the world, and still wouldn't want to have more kids, then the sterilisation sounds like a good idea. If you just don't want kids with this man, tbh you sound a bit pissed off with him, don't get sterilised as this relationship might not last, and you might find yourself a couple of years down the line in a better/different relationship and wanting a baby.

I'm getting sterilised when this baby arrives. I'm 31. My DH is lovely, and very supportive, but I've had Hyperemesis badly both times, I don't want any more kids and CERTAINLY no more pregnancies. Even though DH is brilliant, I am sure I never want to be pregnant again. The decision is about me, not about my relationship with DH, although we are in total agreement. That's how I know I'm sure. My sterilisation is booked for Jan.

Hope that makes sense!

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rhondajean · 28/03/2013 00:01

YANBU.

You need to base this on what it is you want. Not the state of your current relationship.

You don't want any more children. Go for it. Good luck.

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StuntGirl · 28/03/2013 00:01

I would ditch this guy to be honest, he doesn't exactly sound like a catch.

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MummytoKatie · 28/03/2013 00:12

When I was ttcing dd we had a lot of sex during my "fertile period". We also had a very enjoyable "just for fun" sh@g in a jacuzzi on a beach in the Maldives on day 28 of my cycle when there is no way I could get pregnant.

When it came to my scan my dates moved by 8 days and suddenly it became obvious that dd was conceived during "jacuzzi sh@g". (A story I will never share with her!)

Whatever you decide to do please don't rely on the rhythm method.

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RocksThatIGot · 28/03/2013 00:15

For a long time (my whole life I guess) I did harbour some ridiculous notion that I might one day have kids with someone who was a nice guy and a good father, but that's not the way it worked out for me. I have recently come to terms with this dream not being a part of my life, which has been a bit of a turning point for me.

We are most definitely on dodgy ground in our relationship. I am still working out whether I can forgive him or whether I want to (this is what I hope to get to the bottom of in my counselling). So definitely for me, I can not see myself wanting a child with him anytime soon.

So either way, whether we work things out, or whether we break up and I do happen to chance upon Mr Perfect, neither of these are likely to happen for a good long while, by which point my kids will be that much older and the thought of going back to having a baby is going to feel even less appealing, i would imagine. I am really excited about studying and doing something with my life, apart from being a mum. I think if I remove the option of having more kids then it will be a big weight off my mind, and I can crack on with getting a career.

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Snazzynewyear · 28/03/2013 00:16

As an interim measure you could consider the Mirena coil. Hormonally it is very low level. Would save you from the vagaries of the rhythm method for a bit - potentially 5 years. But if you are certain you are not going to want any more then start the process of requesting sterilisation.

It sounds as if it is going to be very hard to recover the relationship with your partner after the termination. I understand this is not uncommon where a couple have disagreed about a termination (either at the time or afterwards). Best of luck whatever happens.

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RocksThatIGot · 28/03/2013 00:18

mummytokatie! Yeah probably best to keep that one to yourself

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Tortoiseontheeggshell · 28/03/2013 00:25

I did harbour some ridiculous notion that I might one day have kids with someone who was a nice guy and a good father, but that's not the way it worked out for me. I have recently come to terms with this dream not being a part of my life, which has been a bit of a turning point for me

But if your youngest is only 2, and you are 32, then there's no reason to write this off if it's actually what you want.

However, I do absolutely understand what you mean by "if I remove the option of having more kids...I can crack on with getting a career". DH and I are tossing up whether to have a third, and part of me feels like to say no would mean to give up on a vision of how my family should/would look, but on the other hand, like you, there's an element of freedom. If I decided not to have any more children, I would suddenly have some definite timelines to work with. 2 years until I could go back to full-time work, 4 years until I could plan an overseas holiday, my fortieth birthday would look like X and I could save money for Y...etc.

But you don't sound quite there yet really. Not enough for the sterilisation. I think - dump the DP, thus sorting out the contraception issue (tell me, has he refused to use condoms? I think this is telling about someone's character, tbh), crack on with your career, and leave all your options open. If the lovely man comes along in five years and you definitely don't want a baby then...fine, you don't have to!

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anonymosity · 28/03/2013 00:27

Before you decide I would also advise looking into possible recovery time and side effects of sterilization - I don't know them all but have a friend who took a good 3 months to recover - and that sounds like it would be hugely disruptive to your life and plans....

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RocksThatIGot · 28/03/2013 00:29

Just googled the mirena coil and read some pretty awful scare stories . Not sure I'd be happy with hormonal contraception, even at low levels. That's the problem, all contraception options are a bit rubbish and women are generally the ones carrying the can.

Strongly considering abstinence as another option. Not sure the nunnery would want me though .

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RocksThatIGot · 28/03/2013 00:37

tortoise! Cross posts re the abstinence!

Yes I am totally relishing the freedom of my kids getting older. Now dd2 is coming up to 3 life is getting so much easier again. I have not had an easy time of it at all for the last decade and so by proxy nor have my kids, and I want to do the best I can for them now in terms of stability, and earning enough money so that we can go on holiday once a year and i can afford to get them little treats and nice clothes. At the moment I am watching every penny and choosing whether I eat or pay bills (I do however make sure my dc are fed). It's no life and by the time I get myself out of this hole I can't imaging the first thing I am going to feel like doing is reproducing again.

Dp doesn't use condoms but I have never asked him to, to be fair.

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Snazzynewyear · 28/03/2013 00:38

Rocks, there are many scare stories out there and I have read them about Mirena as with pretty much any other form of contraception. But as someone who has medical issues that create problems with picking a workable method (I can't use the Pill and had to come off depo provera) I found the Mirena worked well for me and may yet go back to it. It is of course your choice, but in a world of not-very-good options I found it the least bad option, and it worked well without troubling me while I was using it. As you say (kind of) if men were lumbered with the lion's share of responsibility, I bet there would have been massive investment in inventing something better by now...

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Snazzynewyear · 28/03/2013 00:40

Having just seen your latest post, I would move to condoms as an interim interim measure at any rate. I think I'd got the idea that you had already ruled them out, for some reason.

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Tortoiseontheeggshell · 28/03/2013 00:44

Rocks, I am anti any hormonal contraception as well (no big issues, I just don't like feeling like 'not me', which is what always happened on various HC) and my DH and I have exclusively used condoms for the past ten years, pregnancy/TTC excluded obviously. It's not that much of an ask, I don't know why it's not an option for more women.

It's just ridiculous that you're using an imprecise method of contraception and have already had one unwanted pregnancy because of it, when you're not in a place to want to have another child right now. Use condoms and stop putting pressure on yourself to choose your entire life path right this moment.

(Or LTB, obviously)

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RocksThatIGot · 28/03/2013 00:55

Maybe I need to start seeing condoms in a new light. Although the lady at the CASH clinic told me recently they are only 90% effective! So I'd still be bricking myself every month. My sex drive has disappeared and I'm pretty sure it's down to my fear of getting pg.

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TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 28/03/2013 01:21

Diaphragm?
Diaphragm and condoms?

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differentnameforthis · 28/03/2013 01:23

I was sterilised last year. I fell pregnant when dd2 was 5months old & I terminated that pregnancy because my body just could not go through another pregnancy. I was pretty determined during pregnancy 2 that I didn't want anymore & even asked to be sterilised as the section (which they didn't do - hence the pregnancy - on contraception). So am not anti female sterilisation & I love the fact that I don't have to worry about falling pregnant (aware that it isn't 100% though). I was also 100% sure my family was complete. Anyway...

One thing jumped out at me

I got pg last year when we were living together, and I ended up having an abortion, because he was being completely unsupportive. It broke my heart and the thought of being in that situation again is terrible. It was the hardest thing I ever did and I am having counselling for it

If he were supportive, you would have had the baby right? The fact that he wasn't, now puts you off having a baby with HIM. You don't want to be pregnant by HIM. I really think you would be rushing into it if you were to be sterilised now. You are still in counselling for a termination, that for all intents & purposes you were forced into (by his lack of support). I think (and I am no professional, honestly) that you are fearful of being pregnant with HIM & that you need to re-evaluate the relationship & only then decide if sterilisation is for you.

I know that if anything happened between me & dh that there is no way ever, at all, under any circumstance that I would want to go through pregnancy again, which cemented for me that I needed to be sterilised. Dh would have more, I think...some stuff he has said makes it sound like it would be on the cards if anything were to happen for us. That is why I took the leap to get sterilised.

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Tortoiseontheeggshell · 28/03/2013 01:25

Dude, condoms are way more reliable than the rhythm method! You can double or triple up on contraception: condoms plus rhythm method plus diaphragm.

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Emilythornesbff · 28/03/2013 05:29

Youare only 32 and still haven't met the "man of your dreams"
you are"pretty sure" you don't want any more children.
Get down to the fp clinic ASAP to discuss your options.

In the kindest possible way I think you would be mad to consider sterilisation at this stage. But you do need a reliable form of contraception.

All methodsd have some drawbacks but permanent contraception has the drawback that when you do meet Mr Right and want to make babies you'll not be able to to.

Good luck with your counselling.

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wigglesrock · 28/03/2013 07:06

I've used condoms all my adult life apart from when trying to conceive and have never had so much as a slight panic with them. I understand that you now feel like you are getting your life back - my youngest is 2 now and another child is not on the horizon at all but I'm happy and confident using condoms.

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sydlexic · 28/03/2013 07:57

If you were sure you would not be asking us. When you are 100% sure and cannot be talked out of it is the time to go ahead.

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BelleEtLaBaby · 28/03/2013 11:37

What sydlexic said ^^

I've been thinking about this thread. Is it possible you are angry at your dp for your abortion, and some part of you maybe wants to punish him by getting this done? You sound like you regret your termination and found it difficult, and to a certain extent blame him? I sense a lot of anger in your words about him. He now wants a baby - could some small part of you want to deny him this permanently and thus cause him the pain you had?

I'm sorry if I'm way off the mark or out of line and I ask this kindly. 32 is not past the point of finding the man of your dreams and settling down - plenty of my peers are getting married/having kids for the first time (I'm 31). You won't find the man of your dreams stuck in a relationship with a feckless man who won't support you through a pregnancy or termination then demands another one from you immediately after. You sound really unhappy and disillusioned with men. Perhaps you need to get out of this relationship and have some counselling to come to terms with your termination. Then - please don't give up on true love or on all men. Some of them are lovely, kind, supportive people and if you are free of this relationship which is making you sad and stressed, maybe you'll find one?

I say this with a little experience - I got out of a horribly abusive relationship and am very happy now with DH. With my ex, I had two pregnancy scares - both times I wasn't pregnant, and both times all I could think about while waiting to find out was how hard a termination would be and how scared I would be having his baby. I didnt tell him either time about any of it. With DH, we had a scare a few months into being together. He was the first person I told I was worried, and just said, oh well, if you are then won't we be happy? I knew then he was the right man to be with.

Please consider if you could be happy in different circumstances and if really what you want is to have more babies with someone nice. If it still comes back no, then get the op, because even though yes you can double up etc, who wants all that if you definitely never want to be pregnant again?