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To be beginning to feel annoyed with ex dp re. contact, even though hes not ds dad

(8 Posts)
TraineeBabyCatcher Wed 27-Mar-13 23:13:56

Me and ex dp were together almost 3 years, had been making long term plans (talking of getting married at the end of uni etc) and he practically lived with us. For that time he has treated ds as his own and ds has a very good relationship with him as a result. (he doesn't really see his bio dad)
Everything was all funky dory, we've never had any problems in the relationship, never fallen out etc, then one day he comes home and says he's not happy- and that was it really, he left.
He was really upset that he might hurt ds by leaving and promised to still see him regularly. He did to begin with, ds inevitably asks after him and to begin with I would text him to see if he was free to talk to him for 5. It quickly became apparent I was doing all the leg work, which I told ex dp wasn't on, he has to make an effort, he promised he would but now its been 2 weeks since ds has seen/heard from him. Ds keeps asking after him and 2 weeks is a long time to a 5 year old.

Aibu to be becoming annoyed with this- I'm angry that suddenly its like ex dp is a different person, the person I dated would have never behaved like this, I'm annoyed he made all these promises which he hasn't kept and I'm annoyed he's doing this to ds. But I do wonder if I am expecting to much as he isn't ds bio dad and maybe he's just finding the split difficult.

LastTangoInDevonshire Wed 27-Mar-13 23:23:39

Yes, you are expecting too much, I'm afraid. I am sorry, but it really doesn't sound as though this is going to be an on-going contact.

TraineeBabyCatcher Wed 27-Mar-13 23:26:40

I knew it wouldn't be a long term thing, just thought he would ease ds off a bit.

I think I'm just at angry/annoyed in the grieving process. And saddened that he's suddenly behaving like such a different person. Just don't know what to say to ds, and also how long do I keep it up with his parents, who do still want contact and are making an effort. :l

DoJo Thu 28-Mar-13 00:08:01

Perhaps if you were a bit more realistic with him and said something along the lines of 'I don't expect you to be in DS's life forever if you don't want to, but could you please be a little less abrupt in cutting off contact at least until he has had a chance to get used to the idea that you aren't around'. FWIW, I think it's a good thing you found out that he can so casually drop those he 'loves' before committing any further to him as this surely would have ended in even more tears the longer it had gone on. I hope that you and your son can move past this without as little upset as possible.

Apileofballyhoo Thu 28-Mar-13 01:08:53

Just offering sympathy really op, especially for your ds. Mine is 5 too and I think your ex is being a bit cruel. It is a difficult situation and so many men seem to have difficulty maintaining contact with their biological children maybe it is not surprising your ex is walking away from your ds. I feel really gutted for your ds though. I wonder if you could get any advice on how to explain it to him so that he doesn't blame himself. Your ex is being very irresponsible and horrible really.

wombatcheese Thu 28-Mar-13 08:59:29

I feel for you also. I agree, as suggested, suggest contact for a tail off period. maybe suggesting something specific, eg once/week for 2 months would stop ex just burying his head in the sand about it all. is there an OW complicating things?

TraineeBabyCatcher Thu 28-Mar-13 10:20:27

I don't believe so wombatcheese, I think he just decided he wasn't ready to settle down so young with such big commitments- which is fair enough, I can understand that, he did take on a lot when we started seeing each other.

We did talk about the fact that contact wouldn't last for ever, that we would just keep it going for as long as ds needed it and eventually ween him off it. When I spoke to him two weeks ago I said I wasn't expecting miracles from him, I know he's busy but a phone call a week and occasionally seeing him doesn't take much. I just feel sad for ds, this man has been such a solid fixture in his life for as long as he can remember, seeing him everyday and being part of our family and then that's gone within the blink of an eye.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 28-Mar-13 10:29:22

I know its not especially helpful but this is what happens when blokes are allowed to play dad.

Does your sons school have a pastoral person who could provide support to ds during this differcult time? He may find it helpful.

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