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Graveyard plot, dying mans wishes (morbid)

(25 Posts)
Altinkum Wed 27-Mar-13 20:14:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZZZenAgain Wed 27-Mar-13 20:16:53

"Now there is a massive history between dad family and mum (think a extream beaten, mum being sectioned for psychiatric treatment, vigilant behaviour, bullying, stealing etc) ..."

I didn't really understand that. Do you mean your dad's family is responsible for your mum ending up so vulnerable?

Where is the rest of your dad's family buried then?

LunaticFringe Wed 27-Mar-13 20:20:57

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Altinkum Wed 27-Mar-13 20:21:41

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thebody Wed 27-Mar-13 20:26:49

Sad post. Personally I would let a dying man have his wish and then I wouldn't even think about where/when people including yourself lie after death. Who cares!

Concentrate on living happily and enjoy life. Let your mum and sister sort out where they are buried themselves.

ZZZenAgain Wed 27-Mar-13 20:30:14

so the dying man doesn't know where he will be buried if not in your family's plot? Thing is if it will upset your mum it might not be a good idea but the poor man needs to know where he will be settled I suppose. Still, he and your mum would both fit in with your dad but not your sister too. Is it a problem for your sister to be buried elsewhere?

HollyBerryBush Wed 27-Mar-13 20:31:43

I'd tell him to take a running jump.

It's a family plot, he can buy his own.

End of.

pedrohedges Wed 27-Mar-13 20:32:17

Sorry if i sound like a complete cow but... It's your family plot. It's for your mum and sister to go in. This was decided years ago.
Just say no.
Make sure you get the deeds asap.

NomDeOrdinateur Wed 27-Mar-13 20:37:55

Okay, so as I understand it you have bought a family plot containing three/four spaces (i.e. enough for your mother, father, your sis and possibly one for you too)? And all of you want to be buried in a casket rather than cremated, so there is absolutely no room for compromise? If so, YWNBU to protect/reserve those spaces specifically for yourselves if there is an official procedure for doing so, and YADNBU to object to one of those spaces going to your uncle if it would cause distress to any of the people for whom the plot was originally purchased. The same goes for the headstone. I say that because: A) that was what was planned when the arrangements were first made; B) it's quite normal and expected; and C) horrible as this sounds, any choice will be denying a dying person of their wish - it's just a matter of timing, and a compromise would continue to cause distress to you, your mother and your sister for far longer than it would to your uncle.

If your uncle is open to being cremated, would your family consider the idea of having an urn interred at the plot, with a small marker of its own (perhaps a little plaque) instead of an inscription on the existing headstone? Or his ashes being scattered over the existing grave without a marker?

I hope you find a solution that everybody is okay with - I can't imagine how harrowing this must be for you.

Altinkum Thu 28-Mar-13 00:00:36

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Altinkum Thu 28-Mar-13 00:01:25

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Altinkum Thu 28-Mar-13 00:05:46

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Altinkum Thu 28-Mar-13 00:06:12

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StuntGirl Thu 28-Mar-13 00:53:44

You bought this plot with the specific aim of burying your dad, mum and sister together there. It is very sad that your uncle is now dying and wants to be buried there but the simle answer is he cannot. He will have to make his own arrangements like everyone else does.

Threebuchaills Thu 28-Mar-13 01:24:02

Roman Catholics are often cremated and the urns buried in graves. That's what we plan on doing in our family.

sashh Thu 28-Mar-13 02:24:12

we are a Roman Catholic family so burial is mandatory.

No it isn't and it hasn't been for a long time.

MidniteScribbler Thu 28-Mar-13 04:20:32

No, no, no and no again. I have a family plot, and there's no way I would allow someone who wasn't intended on being buried there to take up one of the spots. If he was so insistent on being buried in that graveyard, he should have made arrangements years ago.

ratspeaker Thu 28-Mar-13 08:04:11

As sashh says burial is not mandatory for Roman Catholics.
The church started permitting cremations in the 1960s
Canon Law in the 1980s stated
“The Church earnestly recommends that the pious custom of burying the bodies of the dead be observed; it does not, however, forbid cremation unless it has been chosen for reasons which are contrary to Christian teaching”

So in practise what is preffered is the remains are in church for the vigil and funeral mass then taken to the crematorium. A "suitable" vessel, ie an urn, should be used for the ashes which should then be buried.
Some Catholic graveyards have places to store urns ( called columbarium )

Now given you are not close to your uncle, that he has not paid towards the plot, it has limited capacity and was intended for YOUR family I dont see why you should have to let him be interred there.

Can you have a wee word with your priest?

CwtchesAndCuddles Thu 28-Mar-13 08:17:41

Not at all unreasonable to say NO!

The bottom line is that your uncle doesn't want to be buried with your dad, he wants to be buried in that churchyard but there are no plots. If there were plots he wouldn't have asked and is using emotional blackmail to get his own way.

Dying wish or not he is being unreasonable.

Please stand your ground on this.

My aunt was cremated a few months ago and she had said she wanted her ashed buried in her parents family grave - before the grave can be opened all 20 plus great grandchildren have to give written consent!

Altinkum Thu 28-Mar-13 08:21:47

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Altinkum Thu 28-Mar-13 08:24:08

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LittleBairn Thu 28-Mar-13 08:29:14

Regardless of church rules many Catholics, particularly older people, still consider it mandatory.

OP I would tell him no he has other options your plot was bought for parents an sister. It's sad he's dying but that shouldn't mean he gets to make demands on something that has long been planned.

shewhowines Thu 28-Mar-13 08:38:37

No No No

It is your family plot. You have compromised on the cremation aspect, now he has a choice - compromise too on cremation and being included or find an alternative place.

Don't feel guilty. It was bought for YOUR family. Especially in the light of the history between you all.

I agree - take the pressure off your mum by taking charge of the paperwork so that they blame you not her.

ratspeaker Thu 28-Mar-13 08:46:05

If your uncle wants to be buried then he and his family should be looking around to find a plot, not just take yours because it is there.
Sometimes they can "squeeze" one more burial in if a site has settled but that isn't up to you to find out.

In the long term this plot is meant for your mum and sister

If your uncle never discussed this burial before he got ill, if he hasn't talked to your mum fora while, if he never paid towards the plot then I don't see why he should expect to be buried there.

cocolepew Thu 28-Mar-13 09:00:36

No way, he is saying he wants this because there are no other plots available.

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