to be fed up with constant arguing from my 5 year old?(33 Posts)
DS (will be 6 in July) argues all. The. Bloody. Time. I seriously want to scream.
It started this morning, as I stumbled bleary eyed down the stairs and tried to pee in peace.
He wandered in the bathroom, dropped some Lego on the floor, and left. I called for him to pick them up. He started in with "but these go in here because" and I said no, they don't, they are toys and don't belong in the bathroom.
He kept saying "but..." And "why?!" Ugghh! So that was a fun start to the day.
It's been like that all day now. Just constant backtalk. "Can I have this?" (About an empty Starbucks bottle destined for the recycling bin. Normally I wouldn't care, but his rubbish collection is taking over the house a bit at this point and until I give it a good cull, he cannot add to it. Or my brain will explode.)
He just would not let it go. On and on with "please? Well, just the cap? Why not just the cap? Please? But..." Arrrggggghhhh!
And just now, sending him outside
so I don't shout at him so he can get some fresh air, he faffed about taking the longest possible time to get ready. I said "please hurry DS, it shouldn't take 20 minutes to get your coat on." He replied immediately, "sure it should!"
It doesn't work to tell him I'm not going to discuss it. It doesn't work to walk away. It doesn't work to ignore him.
And I'm 32 weeks pregnant and tired AF and can't even DRINK to take the edge off. <cries>
I'd just keep repeating 'no'. Not engage at all. Or 'coat' or whatever is the relevant word.
Oh bless you, I have been there <passes > my dd went through a phase where she would argue black was white. It drove me round the twist.
Not sure what the answer is I am afraid but now she is 7yo she has suddenly become much more reasonable
most of the time
The book 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' offers a lot of good advice.
Ds1 is an argumentative sod, honestly I feel like I'm always getting ratty with him even though he is very well behaved and doesn't do naughty things. But by Christ the boy can argue for England. <sigh>
I would say to him, DS we are going out now and will be leaving in 10 minutes sharp. So quickly, put your shoes and coat on now. Say it in a firm, no nonsense tone of voice.
Then say, I am getting ready too, I bet I can put my coat and shoes on and get ready before you.
This always used to work with my DS, - good luck.
Ok. I know I should. <deep breath>
It's hard too because my brother is a deeply unpleasant and argumentative person and always has been. He and my mother fought terribly all the time we were growing up. He needs to be "right" at any cost. He will not respect it if you say "I'd rather not talk about this" and when we were kids he would follow my mom, arguing, if she tried to leave the room.
I don't want to project that on my DS, but it's so hard because I really fear having that type of relationship with him.
Disco DS is the same! He isn't really "naughty", and other people (teachers, etc) think he's an angel. But it's just sooo constant and exhausting.
I use 123 Magic to stop the nonsense arguing. Basically, 1 warning, 2 warnings, time out/privilege removed.
This kind of backchat is just too tiring and it is all attention seeking. By ending it you are happier and can give positive attention more easily. Disciplining for this does NOT lead to more arguing and tension, it leads to less, and a calmer mum and kid.
The book and DVD are great, I find them so helpful.
Oh god, I feel for you. I don't even have any children, only DSS every other weekend. Who most of the time I get on with well and really like having around. But at 5/6 he went through SUCH a self-righteous, always-had-to-have-the-last-word phase, it drove me crazy. And I only had this every other weekend!
He's almost 8 now, and I'd say he's a lot better.
So I have no parenting advice, except maybe the old 'this too will pass' mantra...
They can't argue if you don't so make your point and if he keeps on just tell him that's the way it is and maintain silence. Pick up your book/ phone or turn on radio or tv.
Warn then ignore.
I have no advice, but I could have written your op. The only real difference is that my ds is 6 in May.
Watching with interest and sharing your pain.
Another fan of 1, 2, 3 Magic here. Use it for whining, backchat, any kind of rudeness, cheek or intimidation...
So with the Lego example, you ask DS to pick it up...
DS: But these go in here because...
You: That's 1 DS. Pick up the Lego.
DS: But why?
You: That's 2 DS. Lego.
If he still doesn't do it it's time out/naughty step/some other appropriate consequence. I've been doing it with DS (4 and a half) for 6 months and he really doesn't bother arguing most of the time anymore...as soon as I start with the 1, 2, 3 he usually huffs and gives up before I get to 2. Sometimes he pushes it but I very rarely get to 3. It's a good (and quite entertaining) book.
<clutches Readyforno2 in desperation>
It's just so wearying.
I will try the 123 thing. I'll try anything!
It's hard because as a child I was expected to shut up when told and I really resented not being allowed to express my opinion. I don't want that for him, I'm not trying to raise a robot.
But there is a difference between that and this pointless arguing and back chat, I know! I just seem to have trouble drawing the line. I feel like if I say "I've already explained and now we're not talking about it anymore" he should respect that. Before I scream the house down!
I hear ya, my dd is 5 too and driving me mental with back talk. Reward charts help when it starts to get out of hand with her. Also she usually does it when she just wants quality time with me-I do a bit of love bombing with her if it's getting too bad. We'll have a couple of hours playing lego, or doing arty stuff, he choice of acitivy and my undivided attention, I know it's tough to get it that way but it is so important to them even though coloring in or whatever is mind fumblingly boring for an adult it really helps her general attitude.
One of my friends had a DD a month younger than DSS2 (both due to be 7 this summer). Last year, we were constantly on the phone having the "is yours doing this?" conversation. Arguing & lying were the main subject matters - We decided it's something they all do at 5-6 years old.
Oh cheerful are you me? I grew knowing better than to argue or give an unwanted opinion to my parents and I too struggle with wanting ds to shut up and do as he's asked but at the same time want him to be confident and able to express himself. gah! parenting!
My Dd2 has just turned 5 and still cries as her fall back emotion bugs me senseless! DD2, please pick up your doll/book/game and put it away...
I also really, really struggled with these issues. Ended up in parenting classes (ace) and then watched 123 Magic DVD with hubby, and paused it every few minutes to say ,"But won't this squash his soul?" or "Aren't we being horrible if we expect him to ...?" or whatever.
Really, I get it. I do. But watch the DVD and see what your think. It is actually funny and enjoyable.
I also use 1, 2, 3, but in a slightly different way. I just say, in increasingly stern tones one...two...THREE! And they know to stop the backchat/dithering/faffing/arguing and just get on and do it. If not, I get cross. It really works.
OP this sums my DS up! "He isn't really "naughty", and other people (teachers, etc) think he's an angel. But it's just sooo constant and exhausting"
My DS is 4 and is like this most of the time, it gets worse closer to bedtime. He just never stops talking throughout the day and generally I converse with him but every now and then I just want the constant
verbal battering chatter to just stop!
No advice really, just sympathy. I do find that if I spend more quality time with DS then he annoys me less but that isn't easy now as I also have DD 11mo. On the up side they do both entertain each other for 20mins or so every now and then and I get to switch off for a bit.
YANBU OP, I remember this phase well.
So, if you are going to try 123, what are your sanctions going to be?
Need to get them lined up so that you are absolutely confident and rock solid in your response (you will need to be as this behaviour is now established and will take up to 6 weeks to break and replace with a new habit).
So what's precious to DS? What will matter to him if he loses it?
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