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to turn my back on my dd if she goes back to this man?

(91 Posts)
kaylasmum Wed 27-Mar-13 17:44:02

My 28yo dd has not long come out of a 3 year relationship with an abusive, controlling and manipulative man. He treated her badly through the relationship. He grows/deals weed, takes cocaine and is a complete bully

She eventually say him for what he is. She told me that he made her feel bad about how she looks, pressured her sexually and also raped her analy. Ita very likely that he was unfaithful to her numerous Times.

She also told me that she found underage porn on his computer, girls aged 13/14. Since they split he has been awful towards her. She says she misses him, i'm terrified she'll go back to him. I don't know what he's capable of. I told her if she does then i'll disown her. I've always supported her but i don't think i can anymore. She has a 6yo ds and i don't want this animal anywhere near him.

Buddhagirl Thu 28-Mar-13 22:40:34

Have you reported him yet? Crimestoppers is anonymous

TheRealFellatio Thu 28-Mar-13 16:59:22

I know if I thought someone was a serious threat to my child or my grandchild and I had enough dirt on them to get them taken out of the picture I wouldn't hesitate.

TheRealFellatio Thu 28-Mar-13 16:58:24

Why don't you just report the man to the police? Problem solved and he'll be out of all of your lives with any luck. It's easy. Just do it.

HotCrossPun Thu 28-Mar-13 16:54:57

Reporting him for the dealing/cannibus growing/images of child abuse seems like the easiest way of getting him out of your DD's life.

She needs space away from him to rebuild her life. She also needs your support - don't disown her, that would be playing right in to his hands.

Crawling Thu 28-Mar-13 16:44:47

Please report him op I get that you are concerned about your dd but this will benefit your dd and if he is viewing child porn he may be doing worse. I couldnt live with myself if I didnt report and had those poor girls on my conscience.

TheBigJessie Thu 28-Mar-13 16:43:25

Agree with eggyfucker

That said: Kaylasmum. I've been lurking on this thread. I can appreciate that you're scared. I think I would be too, if I was in your position. But from the viewpoint of protecting your daughter and your grandson, you'd be better off if he was in prison or a registered sex-offender. The man should be in prison; he raped your daughter. I can see that you can't make your daughter complain to the police about that, she's not up to that. If you could make an phone-call, and the police came round and found these images, why would he know it was you, and not the police tracking downloads? That does happen!

I do think that this could be your easy route to keeping him away from your daughter.

thekidsrule Thu 28-Mar-13 16:34:52

bad spelling sorry

thekidsrule Thu 28-Mar-13 16:34:17

op by telling us more and more horrible things about this man im sure were all thinking why are you not reporting him

it's all very well telling us what a a horrible person he is but on the other hand you dont want to take any advice and everybody has said the same

really if you have no intention of reporting or aletting the authorities there in NO point in you or others posting posting

you have been given good advice and what is right or all concerned

EggyFucker Thu 28-Mar-13 15:47:18

OP isn't going to report him. No use in pushing it any more, tbh.

Kaylasmum, when the weather bucks up a bit, plan some nice days out with your dd and gs. Keep her occupied as much as you can.

At the end of the day though, if she wants to go back she will. You know what you have to do if that happens. All the best x

Maggie111 Thu 28-Mar-13 14:44:55

Evidence isn't needed FFS. She's seen it, told you about it. You know she has reason to defend this creep and lie on his behalf and now she's back tracking...

If there is nothing depraved on his computer there is no harm, no foul in reporting it is there!!

Hissy Thu 28-Mar-13 14:38:09

The longer she stays out, the easier it ought to be to keep her out.

kaylasmum Thu 28-Mar-13 12:16:42

My dd has assured me she is'nt going back to him, i really hope she'll stick with this decision.

He has 2 small kids and for a while his ex wife would'nt let him see them, my dd told me that he used to talk to her about ways of killing his ex so that he could get his kids. Don't know if he was serious about it or not.

Losingexcessweight Thu 28-Mar-13 12:15:00

Just because he has child porn on his computer, that does not mean he will go to prison.

I know someone who was reported because of this, police took computer away etc, found the images and he got a caution that is all.

I would still report it though.

Its an awful situation, if your daughter chooses to put up with him then just be there for her.

EldritchCleavage Thu 28-Mar-13 12:00:29

OP, the thing about abusers is that they are very good about persuading their victims of their power. It's like brainwashing, you can't see a way out and come to believe that they will always find out, always find you, always get back at you. It feels true. But that doesn't mean it is true.

Your daughter is in the grip of this thing. She probably can't get any true perspective on him and how to escape. So please help her do it.

I strongly advise you to go and see your local police and tell them everything you know and your daughter has told you about him. The drugs, the violence and domestic violence, the porn, the threats, the lot. Tell them about your worries for your daughter and grandson.

Please don't tell your daughter you are doing this, and I wouldn't even tell her after you have done it. She won't be able to stop herself panicking (and he'll probably guess from that that something is up). I'm sure you are a caring mother, and this may just be one thing where you have to take the burden on alone, for your daughter's sake.

Let the police (and I'd ring Women's Aid too, while you're at it) advise on next steps to protect your family and what they can do with the information you've given them. If you do nothing, you will all stay in this terrible situation and as you say, your daughter may go back to him.

I do hope you get something sorted out.

Episode Thu 28-Mar-13 11:42:36

Perhaps you could speak to them anomalously and see if they can attribute his questioning to an online trail rather than having been reported iyswim?

Have you spoken to your daughter about the danger she could be placing herself in with regards to her position as a mother by having her child around a drug dealer and a potential peado? I don't mean to sound patronizing by talking about the obvious but since her self respect is so low, perhaps reaching out to her as a mother will work over talking about what she needs to do for herself!

I understand your concerns and giving everything you have said I can see why reporting him as it stands is difficult!

Another thought may be to report him as a dealer and mention the computer thing and say you can not verify this! They could then take his computer amongst other things and that could act as a secondary investigation! This way it narrows down the likelihood of it being you who reported him!

Viviennemary Thu 28-Mar-13 11:35:25

I think I would report the underage porn to the police as that is illegal. And your daughter should not be having anything to do with such a man. I was ready to say you must support your daughter when I saw the headline. But in these circumstances then you would be right to say you want nothing more to do with her whilst she continues to see this person who seems to be a threat to society as a whole.

catsmother Thu 28-Mar-13 11:28:02

Like I said, the police can also advise about protecting your family.

catsmother Thu 28-Mar-13 11:26:45

Thing is, you're not a detective. If there's any possibility of child porn of his computer you have a duty to report it and let the experts handle it from then on. You can't second guess what evidence they may or may not find - nor if there's grounds for prosecution but I'm damn sure that any police officer would want each and every possibility of child porn reported so they can investigate accordingly. It's not up to you either to predict how they might pin anything they find on him specifically - don't you think that experienced detectives will have come across similar situations before where a computer is used by more than one person ? Clearly there are ways and means of finding out when stuff was viewed or downloaded and individual's movements tracked against those times etc. It is not your job - or anyone else's in a similar situation - to play judge and jury. You need to leave all that to the police. Tell them, let them deal, and then your conscience will be clear.

kaylasmum Thu 28-Mar-13 11:26:01

Why the hell would i want to protect him!!! I'd like nothing better than to see him rot in jail!! I NEED to protect my dcs and dgs.

ChunkyEasterChick Thu 28-Mar-13 11:22:20

You are not the police. You do not need to find the evidence. Report your concerns. Even if nothing happens immediately, it will go in a file & add towards the picture of this man. It isn't for you to judge what is or isn't sufficient. Report your concerns. You don't need to protect him from false allegations if that's what's worrying you...

kaylasmum Thu 28-Mar-13 11:10:10

Have just spoken to my dd to clarify exactly what she saw on his computer, she says it was a picture of a young girl around 13 posing in a bikini plus some pictures of the same girl aged about 19, also some other pictures of girls about 16 upwards, she thinks. As far as i know not any sexual acts.

I personally would'nt put anything past this man but evidence is needed.

Hulababy Thu 28-Mar-13 11:09:00

The computer - even if he has deleted them, the strong liklihood as that he hasn't actually wiped them from the computer. In order to that entirely is much harder than just pressing deleting. The chances are that the images are still there and the police will still be able to access them.

You are in a really difficult position. Trying to protect your DD and your GC, as well as deal with the horrid stuff this man is doing. It must be a very scary position also, with threats from the man.

Maggie111 Thu 28-Mar-13 10:59:22

If you've known about the "porn" for 48 hours, you've wasted 47 hours not telling the police.

Do it now - his deleting of it is nothing with what the police can recover from a computer. And if that's the stuff she's found - goodness knows what depraved filth he might have on there, on done...

please please tell the police - you will quite possibly be saving those children's lives. They might be able to identify them and remove them from further harm.

EggyFucker Thu 28-Mar-13 10:58:30

kaylasmum, the police are currently, while we speak, investigating rings of paodophiles that distribute images of child abuse. These people are getting apprehended all the time . Think of all the peripheral abusers who have come out of the Saville investigations, but this does not reduce your responsibility in assisting them with their investigations

this is big business for some people, and it's likely this man is mixed up in that

please make an anonymous report, there is no reason why it will be traced back to you if you deny it

I know child abuse is a very serious issue and ideally the OP should report it. However, she has no direct knowledge at all of what has or hasn't been on his computer only a second hand account from her daughter. I think those people who are jumping on the OP for not having reported this are being a bit unreasonable in the circumstances.

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