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To feel hurt

(27 Posts)
Bunraku Wed 27-Mar-13 15:04:41

My DH has just had a conversation with his mum which generally consisted of"Sorry we didn't get DS anything for his birthday, we're completely skint at the moment and we've been busy." This is fairly common as they are in financial difficulty at the moment, and I didn't expect anything from them.

DH was upset as a couple of days after the call he saw some pictures on the dreaded facebook dated on DS's birthday, of PIL and SIL at her house putting up a wendy house that was tagged "DD's pressie from nana and grampy"
We know these wendy house things aren't cheap so we were a bit hmm as to how PIL could afford it, and also that they were all too busy to come to my DS's birthday tea and this appears to be why, PIL do not work and SIL is a SAHM as am I, so it's not as if their schedules are tight. We didn't see PIL at xmas either as she was busy at SIL's

After a few days we received another phone call from MIL asking it was possible to borrow a bit of money as their hoover had packed up. I often lend them money when things are tight as that's what families are for, but this time DH was irritated and asked them how they had managed to run out of money when they bought the house for SIL's DD. MIL's response was a breezy "oh you know how it is, SIL needs more help than you guys do doesn't she...."

SIL is no different to us, we both have our own houses, are both SAHM's and both have husbands bringing in a liveable wage, the only difference is that she has parents to fall back on for childcare and I don't and SIL uses this to the point of exhaustion as her DN is at PIL virtually all the time while SIL and her partner carry on living the childless lifestyle. So why does MIL bend over backwards for one GC and not the other? It is true that mothers prefer their daughter's children to their son's for some reason?

diddl Wed 27-Mar-13 15:08:47

Have you asked her to look after the children?

I'm not sure it's a case of preferring GC-but preferring the company of one's own daughter?

Plus wanting to see their son-so that limits it to weekends?

ENormaSnob Wed 27-Mar-13 15:15:06

Yanbu

How awful to totally dismiss your child's birthday and treat the other grandchild to a fucking Wendy house hmm

Then asking for cash off you is like salt in the wound.

MammaTJ Wed 27-Mar-13 15:18:49

YANBU, this sounds so unfair!

diddl Wed 27-Mar-13 15:19:30

Sorry-only answered last question.

Treating GC differently-shameful imo.

Bunraku Wed 27-Mar-13 15:21:28

In the past I have asked for their help to look after my son but they are always too busy looking after their GD. I stopped asking when I asked if they would have him on the day of my mum's funeral and they said no because they wanted to take GD to the zoo and that taking both children would "spoil her treat" for her, so I had to go to the funeral alone without my DH. I don't treat them badly because of that, I just simply stopped asking and moved on from it. They never make the time to come and see DH because again, if they are not busy looking after GD they are at SIL's house doing something or other. I don't feel as if they dislike me, just that they prefer their daughter and her kids. My partner does flexible working so we are open for them to visit us, or us to go there anytime really, they just never want to. Not too bothered if it's me they dislike but it's clearly hurting my DH that they never make time for him or DS

ENormaSnob Wed 27-Mar-13 15:25:18

shock at your latest post.

I would be having absolutely fuck all to do with them.

And she could shove her broken hover right up her ricker.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Wed 27-Mar-13 15:25:56

Tell them to fuck off, that zoo thing is below the belt. What horrible inconsiderate human beings

NeedlesCuties Wed 27-Mar-13 15:31:31

What a horrible thing to do re your mums funeral. That is disgusting behaviour sad

I'd just ignore them. Painful as it is to admit, they aren't likely to change.

diddl Wed 27-Mar-13 15:32:30

That sounds really shit.

My ILs would never visit in the week when it was just me & the kids.

Had to be the weekend to get time with their son.

I did always think that even if they hated me they could get over themselves for the sake of time with their only GC!

(Husband an only child).

Bunraku Wed 27-Mar-13 15:34:10

grin ricker - not heard that one in sunny Leicester

The only reason I haven't cut them off is that I don't want to make massive family problems for DH or to give them any ammunition against me in the event of that because they will probably turn it around and say it's me blocking access to DS.

EostreChaoticResurrEggtion Wed 27-Mar-13 16:36:05

YANBU Their behaviour over the funeral was, as a pp said, disgusting.

As for cutting them out...it seems to me is all you have to do is not contact them and then be busy a few of the times they can be bothered to see you.

landofsoapandglory Wed 27-Mar-13 16:45:33

YANBU.

Unfortunately my parents are the same wrt my sister's DC. I have had enough now and barely speak to them. My DC have had nothing bought them apart from birthday and Christmas presents, never been taken for so much as a MaccyD's. My sister's DC have been on numerous days out, holidays in this country and abroad (the last one was a villa to the Algarve and included my niece's DS), and my niece got given a car when she passed her driving test, DS1 didn't even get a 'well done'!

I lent them money years ago, I never got it back. My sister treated them like shit, yet she gets all the treats!

CPtart Wed 27-Mar-13 17:18:12

We have similar issues. SIL children get 12ft trampolines. Ours get twenty quid in a card.

simplesusan Wed 27-Mar-13 17:24:16

Don't lend them the money.
They don't sound nice.
I don't think you can change them, they may be too set in their thinking.
My in laws helped to pay for sil wedding, yet gave us nothing even though we were financially worse off than sil.

thebody Wed 27-Mar-13 17:31:06

So sorry op, they sound horrible and selfish.

I would stop asking them anything or involving them and concentrate on your own little family. Your poor dh.

I wonder why people can act like this to their own children.

Beggars belief.

thefirstmrsrochester Wed 27-Mar-13 17:37:17

taking both children would "spoil her treat" shock
They sound vile and there is a very good chance that all off this preferential treatment will turn your dn into a spoiled brat.
If they were my inlaws, I would have no qualms whatsoever about cutting off contact. What the hell is wrong with some people.
Oh, and deffo tell them to shove the hoover where the sun doesn't shine.

whosiwhatsit Wed 27-Mar-13 17:40:52

That is shocking, particularly regarding your mums funeral. Could you ask your husband to talk to them in person (rather than by phone) and just flat out ask them why they are behaving this way? If he insists on the truth then hopefully they'll tell him what's going on and then perhaps you'll be able to work towards fixing things. Otherwise you'll have to ask yourself whether your DS is better with no grandparents than with these ones, and if the answer is yes you'd be we'll within your rights to cut them of. I certainly can imagine it would be damaging to his self esteem to be treated in this way by his own grandparents.

Kat101 Wed 27-Mar-13 17:54:41

Parasites, the lot of them. Can your dh write them a letter telling them exactly how you as a family feel? At least he'd feel as if he'd tried with them. If they get all narc'd about it then you haven' lost anything.

The funeral part is beyond forgiveness.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 27-Mar-13 18:00:52

I hope you didn't lend them any money!

They sound awful. Blatant favouritism of one grandchild over another. It's shitty.

Icelollycraving Wed 27-Mar-13 18:02:03

Shocking behaviour about your mums funeral shock

Bunraku Wed 27-Mar-13 18:18:43

The general concensus seems to be to cut them off so at least it doesn't appear to just be me being silly.

DH refused to give them the money for the hoover and also told mil not to ask for money again because they clearly didn't need it.

I think he has resigned himself to the fact that he is just not the favourite. He probably feels unwanted and it's so unfair because my mum adored DH

Will talk to him later about writing a letter

pumpkinsweetie Wed 27-Mar-13 19:53:16

What we have here are two toxic gp, who have no place in their grandkids lifes unless they contribute fairly between each & every grandchild
If they are skint fair enough, but to afford a Wendy house for other gc but leave out your ds on his birthday isn't about being skint, its damn right nasty and unfair to boot.
I wouldn't bother with them tbh, your poor dh sad

pigletmania Wed 27-Mar-13 21:28:45

Bloody hell op they sound awful. The helping would stop right now, how they treated you on the day of your mums funeral is dire. It seems as if they clearly do love their grandaughter more and it shows quite clearly. Tey sound toxic and I would have not much to do with them, you been too nice

pigletmania Wed 27-Mar-13 21:33:25

Just read your last post, good on your dh for standing up to them. They way that they treated treated teir grandson on his birthday, preferring to put up a Wendy house for teir grandaughter instead of coming fr his birthday tea is shock, rubbing salt in the woulds posting the pictures on Facebook is low. Cut them dead they don't care. I would have put a commen pt under that picture

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